Ugh, so much of my trauma therapy has been about the perps/ abusers and what they did.
Which is natural enough.
Right now, I'm dealing with what "everyone else" did or didn't do.
I think as children going through massive trauma, many/ most of us have some sort of "rescue fantasy". That someone, anyone will see what we're going through and will help us.
I'm starting to realise that all the teachers that didn't help, all the neighbours that didn't help, all the relatives that didn't help...
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Im screwed, got into a verbal altercation, a kid 6-7 year old kid, totally naked, pissing into the pool, butt naked, i announce my disdain, lady comes over 6" from face, bal bla bla, return colorful language. I leave, a bright idea to return to get her picture to report her ass to the property, she snatcheed my phone, instant reaction, Instant reaction, hit her twice, now, $3500 attorney fee, had ro buy a new phone, arrested, wife pissed at me, found out im getting evicted today, over what...
Lots of people say "trauma doesn't define you". But I really struggle with that, as it is part of what defines me.
It's not the whole sum of me. But I actually don't know who I would be without my trauma, given it happened to me whilst I was growing up. So it is a very big part of my identity. Like my sexuality is. Or my gender. Or my ethnicity and my culture.
It's part of who I am.
It's articles like this that confuse me...
The hysterectomy thread got me thinking about csa and gender. And I realized there isn’t a thread for it.
I don’t even know how to start this conversation. Something like, if you experienced csa and you also experience gender differently than your assigned sex at birth, would you like to share your story or join in a discussion about it?
I’ll go.
My dad did csa to me when I was a baby and toddler. My first sexual attraction was to women who were way older than me and one of them csa’d...
Hello all, I am making this post because at some point in my life, I would like to date someone. With my condition and past, I am very nervous and apprehensive, which is why I'm in no state to date right now- however, I would like people to comment under this post if they have CPTSD or are dating someone with it, what has helped them, what they've found tricky and their own experiences. Being on here, it has been nice to see people who have CPTSD or other conditions, with partners, so it...
So I’ve been seeing a therapist since January at a clinic next to me she was so good all the time warm , caring, non judgmental etc she then told me in march she will be leaving at the end of the month so I told her I can book with her through her website so she’s like oh you know about my private practice and I said yes she’s like let me ask my lawyer get back to you so she did and told me if I’m the one who approach her book through the website that’s fine , so it ended at end of march I...
Lately I’ve been exploring the way my CPTSD affects my relationships and perceptions of others. I have realized that I will become attracted to people who appear as “safe” to me even if I do not find them attractive normally, especially if these are people who also have power to abuse me but don’t (usually men in positions of power, I don’t have this with women). This became apparent when I had this weird obsessive crush on my TA that lasted for a year. I would fantasize continuously of him...
I feel like I don't know how to really share myself with people,but not because I don't want to. Its because there's a lot to me and I don't know what's ok to say or when. So I end up either saying too much or two little or feeling like if I say too much it will be weird or too heavy. I feel like I'm too much to get to know, I feel like I have no happy things to say or any happy story share. I feel like everything about me is too heavy to hold. Even the things I love like reading and...
I have CPTD and depression is one of the parts of it. My episodes always start the same early morning panic and shaking and fear to go out. The fear is the spiral I know I can’t stop. I notice they are tied to external stress. Nothing I can’t normally handle. This episode has a new twist… suicidal ideation. Truth being I don’t want to die I just want to feel better. I am sitting in a clinic now, as I stopped eating and was just laying in bed. I am still laying in bed here at the...
I recently had a session with a therapist where I went into high tension with trembling after talking about a difficult topic. She did a mindfulness exercise with me, I had to focus on my body, etc. This made everything worse. That picture of me sitting there and focusing on my body somehow is burned into my memory now. Next thing she tried was talking about things I'm good at, interests and so on, this at least distracted me and helped a little bit.
When I'm at home, a cold pack on the...
the experience of trauma being actively denied by parents is very common, but have any of you here been ignored instead?
what I mean is even if they are aware of the trauma, or symptoms of, it is ignored and not even considered enough for them to actively argue against it or try to rewrite the truth. they might actually be generally supportive but with the caveat of never truly acknowledging trauma.
Im experiencing this with my mum. no trying to rewrite history or anything; Ive been...
I don't react to quiet noises anymore. However, I noticed that I can't cope well with anything happening suddenly or in unexpected ways. For many months now, I've been trying to avoid sudden spikes. I suppose I've become very controlled without even realizing it.
This is somewhat embarrassing: I wanted to help a friend with a birthday party and had to inflate the balloons, but couldn't do it out of fear they would pop. I didn't even want to be in the same room. This is completely new. It's...
PTSD has held me tight most of my life. I haven’t been engaging on the site for a while. I got through a terrible bout using a Ketamine IV treatment, which pulled me out of the worst. It’s actually interesting how much better it felt for some time. When I am not in it, I feel like it’s cured. I guess I may have erred. Actually I think I am starting again but on a different base level. I would appreciate some support Susan 🧚♂️
I've been dissociating since I was about 9 or 10 years old. It would usually happen when I was yelled at or beaten by my mom and none of my siblings would step in to help or defend me. I was also discouraged from standing up for myself so the only thing i could do was retreat into my mind. It's the earliest coping mechanism I have and I've done it for years and years at this point.
The problem is my real life has suffered immensely because of it. I'm approaching my mid 20s and I feel so...
I recently learned about metabolic psychiatry and the good results of remission of mental health disorders on the ketogenic diet.
I started the diet 6 days ago. On the 4th day I started to feel better like the blinds were opening and today 6th day, i feel like my brain has woken up. The transition from using damaged glucose paths to fuel the brain has been replaced by fuelling by ketones and I have found it after 6 days, to be unbelievably effective. My mood has greatly improved, my...
My therapist and I have been talking a lot lately about trust and forming "meaningful relationships" but it feels like a waste of time and big risk for small payout.
I know my BPD and PTSD have made trusting anyone with my emotions feel impossible but is it not true? When she explains things about how forming connections and trusting others it feels like she's talking in another language or something. She says I use sex as a way to form temporary bonds with other people and it's surface...
Hi I will try my best to explain this with as much detail and try and keep it somewhat short. I’m 57 years old and few months ago I was with my wife and her friend and something was said that made me remember a very traumatic sexual abuse from my childhood when I was around 10. It was weird it was something I never ever thought about and it just came out and I was pretty emotional.
Since then I’ve started remembering more details and other times. Pretty sick stuff for a kid to go through...
I have to force myself to shower and other “normal” daily maintenance things (it’s disgusting to admit) because sometimes I can’t stand being touched, even by myself. I used to scrub my skin raw - I feel like I’m going in the other direction now though it’s been years post-abuse.
So, today, for the first time, I felt really deep that I'm never going to get "rid" of this trauma in this lifetime. No.matter how much therapy I throw at it or how hard I work or how much I try to overcome it.
Strangely, it doesn't feel primarily like a defeat - tho there is that too - but also a sense of acceptance and relief, that I can stop struggling to get rid of it.
I remember as a kid, I had that naive hope that kids have of "when I get out of this trauma, everything will be okay"...
To those of you who have endured crippling CPTSD.
Have any of you experienced meaningful improvement in your life with symptoms related to nervous system activation from CPTSD
(e.g. less constant hypervigilance, fewer emotional overwhelm/shutdown cycles, reduced dissociation, improved ability to feel calm, safer relationships, or more day-to-day stability)?
If yes, what information, people, therapies, or tools helped you the most?
If you’re willing, details that might help others would...
Growing up with trauma, neglect, abuse from very early childhood, I think I've always wanted to both live and die...
Obviously, I've got that normal evolutionary instinct to stay alive and to want to stay alive that's present as a baseline in all living beings.
But at the same time, there's also that evolutionary response of wanting/ choosing death when life becomes impossible.
I guess it's a spectrum and ppl with a good life will be on the want-to-live end of the spectrum and people with...
Not quite sure where to put this thread...
So, today the topic of "being yourself" came up and like many here, when you grow up with trauma, "being yourself" is either not an option at all, or it's something very rare, or even done in secret.
I realised today that by growing up like that, it's become second nature to me, to always "not quite be myself" because that's the safer option. Always be a version of myself, that's acceptable in a given situation.
For the first time today, I truly...
Hi there,
Upside Down here, went by a lot of names but I don't come around so often any more.
I was diagnosed cptsd from childhood abuse.
I am relatively fragmented (or a lot?) in the sense that there's many aspects of me who operate quite independently, but not to the degree of being DID.
One of these aspects is stuck in childhood, perhaps age 6. Jung would have probably called it the wounded child, it's a mix of extreme sensitivity and neediness for control by some outside figure.
This...
This thread is for people who are, right in this moment, in a situation that they find difficult to bear.
I recently learned a new technique called 1% change.
I'm not going to write long explanations about it, just going to invite whoever wants to try it, to see if it helps them.
The point is that often, when we're in distress of some kind, our first instinct is to "make it go away" or to "fix the situation".
Often, that's not possible tho, either in the moment or generally. And that...
What do you do to support the medicine you’re taking?
Example. I take daily anxiety medicine so I also do deep breathing exercise regularly and make sure I take it early in the morning etc.
I have no way to get more meds that will help right now and I’m suffering so looking for ideas to feel better I guess ? Hope this makes sense I’ve been crying for hours