Ecdysis
Diamond Member
Ugh, so much of my trauma therapy has been about the perps/ abusers and what they did.
Which is natural enough.
Right now, I'm dealing with what "everyone else" did or didn't do.
I think as children going through massive trauma, many/ most of us have some sort of "rescue fantasy". That someone, anyone will see what we're going through and will help us.
I'm starting to realise that all the teachers that didn't help, all the neighbours that didn't help, all the relatives that didn't help, all the random strangers that didn't help, all the fantasy people I imagined that didn't help... The fact that no one helped... That did a lot of damage too... in a deep and different way to the original trauma.
Without realising it, I think I slowly withdrew my trust in people. Accepted that people ignoring trauma is just the way the world works. Tried to harden myself to it. Accepted that I had to look after myself, because no one else was going to.
It's an issue I'm only now starting to really bump into and feel the extent of it. How much (childish) resentment I feel about it, how there is this quietly seething sense of "Screw you".
Since then, I've worked with young children and we all know the stats. There's a certain percentage in each school class or pre-school class that are being abused or neglected or subject to trauma.
As an adult know, I know you can't always "see" it. Or you see glimpses of it and worry about the child, but you're not sure about what these glimpses really tell you. Is this normal hardship? Is this something that needs to be reported? And when you get to the threshold that you think it needs reporting - then two things kick in: 1) the legal aspects - how high does your level of "proof" need to be before you can legally/ responsibly report this and 2) will your reporting it help or harm the child? Because if you report things that are too unsubstantial for the authorities to take decisive action, then the child may be left in that home and actually be subjected to more abuse because the abuser now feels threatend, but no real protections for the child have been put in place.
So as an adult, even if you care, even if you don't look away, it's so difficult to know what to do. "The authorities" don't do what they're supposed to... the reality is never what it is in theory on paper... They're understaffed, underfunded, overworked... There's too few safe places to put the children in, so often they remain in their family. There's no "easy solution" for an adult witnessing a child in distress, when they have little proof and little legal standing.
So, presumably, there were people that "knew" when I was a kid. Or at least knew some of it, or figured out what was likely going on. And they probably did what I do now, as an adult. Try to observe closely, try to weigh the legal options, try to work out what would actually most help the child, and just try to be kind to them, show them care, give them attention, treat them well so that they know they are valued.
And I presume that's what adults in my life tried to do for me too. And I'm grateful for what they did do. But I think in my subconscious, as a child, there was still this deep sense of "Why isn't anyone helping me???" And maybe, in some ways, having people who were kind, patient and smart... maybe made it worse? Because EVEN THEY weren't helping?
I don't think it made any sense to me as a child why no one would help.
And I think, deep down, I came to some pretty dark conclusions about "what people are like" if none of them help children going through trauma.
Which is natural enough.
Right now, I'm dealing with what "everyone else" did or didn't do.
I think as children going through massive trauma, many/ most of us have some sort of "rescue fantasy". That someone, anyone will see what we're going through and will help us.
I'm starting to realise that all the teachers that didn't help, all the neighbours that didn't help, all the relatives that didn't help, all the random strangers that didn't help, all the fantasy people I imagined that didn't help... The fact that no one helped... That did a lot of damage too... in a deep and different way to the original trauma.
Without realising it, I think I slowly withdrew my trust in people. Accepted that people ignoring trauma is just the way the world works. Tried to harden myself to it. Accepted that I had to look after myself, because no one else was going to.
It's an issue I'm only now starting to really bump into and feel the extent of it. How much (childish) resentment I feel about it, how there is this quietly seething sense of "Screw you".
Since then, I've worked with young children and we all know the stats. There's a certain percentage in each school class or pre-school class that are being abused or neglected or subject to trauma.
As an adult know, I know you can't always "see" it. Or you see glimpses of it and worry about the child, but you're not sure about what these glimpses really tell you. Is this normal hardship? Is this something that needs to be reported? And when you get to the threshold that you think it needs reporting - then two things kick in: 1) the legal aspects - how high does your level of "proof" need to be before you can legally/ responsibly report this and 2) will your reporting it help or harm the child? Because if you report things that are too unsubstantial for the authorities to take decisive action, then the child may be left in that home and actually be subjected to more abuse because the abuser now feels threatend, but no real protections for the child have been put in place.
So as an adult, even if you care, even if you don't look away, it's so difficult to know what to do. "The authorities" don't do what they're supposed to... the reality is never what it is in theory on paper... They're understaffed, underfunded, overworked... There's too few safe places to put the children in, so often they remain in their family. There's no "easy solution" for an adult witnessing a child in distress, when they have little proof and little legal standing.
So, presumably, there were people that "knew" when I was a kid. Or at least knew some of it, or figured out what was likely going on. And they probably did what I do now, as an adult. Try to observe closely, try to weigh the legal options, try to work out what would actually most help the child, and just try to be kind to them, show them care, give them attention, treat them well so that they know they are valued.
And I presume that's what adults in my life tried to do for me too. And I'm grateful for what they did do. But I think in my subconscious, as a child, there was still this deep sense of "Why isn't anyone helping me???" And maybe, in some ways, having people who were kind, patient and smart... maybe made it worse? Because EVEN THEY weren't helping?
I don't think it made any sense to me as a child why no one would help.
And I think, deep down, I came to some pretty dark conclusions about "what people are like" if none of them help children going through trauma.
