Recent content by brokenpony

lately back into the phase of waking up after about 4 hrs after falling asleep no matter what i take, unless it’s too sedating and that level of sedating is triggering and leaves me with serious derealization for like the whole day upon waking. when i wake up my trauma seems activated but i...

yes i was honestly going to make a post about my “body” problem and saw this at the top. tactile comforts like cuddles with my cat are not enough at this pt. i have this deep sense of abjection like i need to throw up my insides, like my entire insides, and clean the walls and start over.

i’m reading some short horror stories by Brian Evenson, a book called Song for the Unraveling of the World

nightmares about my CSA, nightmares about my abusive ex, nightmares about the political situation in the US, nightmares about work, inscrutable nightmares. just… nightmares.

nevermind sorry.

this sounds really similar to me, the losing myself and grasp on reality, so that i feel absolutely insane. my reality feels very tenuous. my reality and my body and all of it is like, undulating and feels fragile. i do have a therapist who is open to out of session contact. i have some...

“i don’t know how i lived” is the phrase, just by itself. how did we live? how do we live now? with all of this? it helps to talk to people who have experienced this kind of flooding from the depths and survived it. yes i think i was reliving it and also re-enacting it in many ways my whole...

yes that sounds similar. it is helpful to hear that the pain was worth it. i feel similarly about it, like if i “get it out” then healing can happen, it is throwing up waves of poison, like i just want to get it all up and out. i just wonder if one day i will get swept away in the tsunami, since...

some of you may remember some of my other posts about my flashbacks. they are getting worse, and i am wondering if i am on the edge of something potentially (psychically) dangerous. i was hoping to check in with others who have had amnesia for CSA, as this is a unique experience. the abuse...

it sounds like she doesn’t know what she’s doing yet, and you probably don’t want to be her first pancake. i would also not work with someone who claimed they specialized in DID without any specialized training courses, which it sounds like she couldn’t have at this point in her career. imo that...

yes, it did not help me. but it clearly helps many people.

i'm not completely sure. at times it feels like a re-enactment of the trauma, like being a good girl and lying down for it. and then i freeze there. but i also feel like... in therapy i said to my parts that i would like to know what happened to them, and what they felt, and if that's what is...

i’m not gonna make a new post for this, but this is an unfolding situation: does anyone have flashbacks that last hours? i feel like this is happening to me. i was in bed for 3 hours waiting for the tactile sensations and (inside brain only) images to stop and they didn’t. they are not one...

oh maybe i will buy some playdough tomorrow, that sounds nice. drawing too. i feel icky like full of slime.

💜 it is late here so she is asleep. she is trying to help. but i’m still in this liminal place between believing and disbelieving.