Jetty Island Jim

I was born in 1960 to a Catholic family. I already had 3 teenage siblings--two of them mentally ill. My sister, 11 years older than me is a narcissistic sociopath. My father was a Disabled American Veteran missing an arm from surviving a battle we didn't know about until the 75th anniversary when NBC news did a special report and called it "the bloodiest battle of WWII" and Dad said, "That's where I was." My mother was the highest anxiety person I've ever known. I attended Catholic school 1st through 8th grade and came out very messed up. I was abused sexually and mob-bullied for most of those years at Catholic school. My father's temper had to be kept cool, so I was never allowed to ask for help with my "little problem." Mom taught me to keep it inside, and just ignore the bad people who were abusing me. I'm now a husband, father and grandfather. I have been misdiagnosed with everything from Manic Depression to nervous stomach. In 2000 I was diagnosed with PTSD . I now know that I have C-PTSD. I became suicidal at 12. I've been suicidal my whole life. I'm currently a recovering alcoholic with a sobriety date of May 2013. I am a high-functioning workaholic and former stand-up comedian whose friends can't believe my stories when I tell them how depressed I am under the skin and how tormented I can become several times a year. I don't own a gun because I'm afraid of having it in the house when I become distraught and suicidal. I've turned all my rage inward. My friends love and trust me and I love them with all my heart, but trust issues keep me always wanting to escape and be alone where I feel safe. C-PTSD in men is VERY HARD to find support for. People understand military PTSD or women who survived abusive childhoods. Most of the time I feel like I'm on my own and have to just do like Mom used to say when I was a boy...just deal with it and don't bother anyone with your little problems.