LostGirl20

I am a 20 year old year mother of two young boys. Ages 2 1/2 and 1 month old. They mean the world to me and the fact that i cannot give them all the love and attention they need breaks my heart everyday. I have joint custody of my three year old with his dad and my youngest child i have and live with along with his father. I have suffered far too many traumatic experiences and events in my life to live normally anymore. I have severe anxiety that lasts all day for the most part. I cannot eat sleep right or function normally.I've been sexually abused to many times to count and i blame myself, tell myself i deserved it. it plays in my mind and i cant get it to stop its like a never ending nightmare . I grew up in an abusive household, constantly moved around and never really had a stable place to call home. My parents weren't exactly helpful when it came to anything at all including helping me through my problems. The first time i can remember being molested i was only 9 or 10 and i used to wake up and have a funny feeling in my stomach and my private areas would be sore. This is hard for me to just post on the internet for all to read.. I thought it was a dream for awhile. As i got older i started to remember more and more and finally realized it wasn't a dream at all. And i knew exactly who had done it to me.. What did i do to that man( my mothers ex boyfriend) for him to need to violate and ruin me. Worst part is as i got older i mentioned it to my mother that i thought he had done something and shes says, " I wondered if something was going on". You wondered???? Well as a mother let alone a human being didn't you save me,help me, stop it? Do something i ask myself everyday why i was shit on my whole life by men my family just about any and everyone i have ever come across. I am a strong girl who is NOT afraid to tell you how i feel about something or someone and speak my mind freely. I am not intimated by others the least bit. I am proud that i am as strong as i am. But is a false sense of strength, just a barrier, a guard i hold up to protect myself from further pain? He also used to beat me, one day her ex- boyfriend almost broke my wrists he twisted them so hard. He at one point i can still remember this like it was yesterday, asked my sister who is a year and some odd months older than i am to hold me down so he could hit me. Thank God she refused. She was no better than he though.. She used to beat me up, torture me, bribe me into doing things for her so she wouldn't tell my mom things i had done when in reality id done nothing wrong at all. But i was afraid my mom would believe her so I'd just listen and " do as i was told". One time she scratched my arms so bad i could've needed stitches, my arms were bloody and swollen. All my mom did was made me sleep in the basement.(Which was fully furnished by the way, not like it was a prison cell). And told my sister,"Leave the poor girl alone". Hah yeah some kind of repercussions mom thanks a bunch , for nothing. My sister to used to pull me by the hair push me down the stairs and knock the air out of me, punch , slap, kick whatever you could think of she had done it. All the while my moms ex boyfriend was still abusing me. What did my mom do, NOTHING! My dad was in and out of the picture, a drug addict and alcoholic to this day. He used to beat his wife in front of me and my sister all the time until i was old enough to break it up or try to rescue her before it got too serious. All i grew up around was pure hatred. At age 11 i finally showed my sister her bullshit was going to stop and she had picked the wrong person to pick a fight with that day. I dont recall how it all started but she had pushed me too far and pulled my hair or tried hitting me and i pushed her down a couple of steps and started kicking her in her stomach screaming at her. I let her know that bullying and beating on me was over, for good. Onto a different member of the family, my cousin. He and i are about the same age and he used to try to perform oral sex on me in the pool at my grandmothers house at like age 8 or 9 ?!!!! Used to hump me in the corner of a room in the house. And he got caught finally and my dad flipped! One thing my dad has been good for is making sure things like that don't get ignored. Not anymore though, he told me he hopes i get raped by a pack of excuse my language niggers when i had last told him i had been raped. He said it was my fault. How could it be my fault? Well unfortunately now that's what i believe every bad thing that has ever happened was my fault. I know its not deep down but i punish myself for it everyday.Last most crucial part of my younger years is i was admitted to a psychiatric unit at age 12 until i turned 13 so for over a year. Then i moved into a group home to sort of get back into the swing of things which is where it all went to hell ha. I was 13 and had a certain guy well a few who were much older try to touch me and forced me to perform oral sex and other things. I got into multiple fist fights threw a chair out of a window and shattered the glass just so i could cut myself. Stole a car, got caught, and was constantly leaving the group home and wandering off into a town i had no clue about. They decided i needed to be in a more "strict facility", which I was then move into a detention home. I kind of calmed down but still had a couple issues with getting into fights. I hated everyone, my family abandoned me, I was there until i was 15 years old. I left and moved back in with my mom and her husband whom i cannot stand to save a life. We never saw eye to eye. He dragged me down a flight of stairs and i decided to move to North Carolina with my dad at 15 almost 16 and was the happiest Id ever been. Yeah i skipped class to go have a smoke and drank during the summer but lots of kids do shit like that. I was with a guy who i thought I'd one day marry until i found out he'd basically been cheating on me the whole time. I ended up moving back to Buffalo, NY before all the truths came out about who he really was so whatever. That was my first serious relationship. I have had maybe 2 definitely no more than that.I've been raped downtown and in front a guy he just sat there and watched. Blacked out drunk, so god only knows who did what to me seeing nowadays no one gives a shit about anyone other than themselves. Its repulsive and that's the rape that plays over and over and over in my mind lately . When i was 17 I got pregnant with my first son it was the happiest thing but his father had lied said he was 27 and was really 36, disgusting. Every time we had sexual intercourse i thought i saw my dad, just because he was so old. He trapped me and purposely got me pregnant. How do i know, because he admitted to it. I started having post partum depression not too long after my son was born and engaged in random sex with guys neglected him for a while (neglected as in avoided seeing him and moved out and in with a different guy). Long story short i see him all the time now, but he lives wit his father who hates my current bf and with good reason. I take the best care I can of my new little boy and do whatever i can to ensure hes happy. My current boyfriend does not abuse my child but he calls him names and more importantly when we argue basically disowns the baby and acts like he isn't obligated to do anything for him. Hes hit me pregnant not pregnant, choked me to the point i couldn't breath, pinned me down and smacked me spit in my face numerous times. and he is one of those mind f*ckers. He likes to manipulate and blame make me think everything that's gone wrong is my fault so until i get out of this relationship i will continue to struggle even more than i already do with life itself and the problems i face. I am currently in counseling and have been diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, Depression and OCD. Yeah long list of mental illnesses but with good reason i have them and the dirty f*cks and scum family to thank for that. I take responsibility when i make mistakes but those are not my fault. I am on medicine for my disorders and just am looking for answers... Why am i so lost, who i am anymore? Why do i feel like I'm unreal don't exist, like Ive become something else or someone i don't know. Why do i blame myself for these terrible things that have happened. Most of all what did i do to deserve any of them?? And how do i get better. I refuse to eat some days just because .. Maybe i feel to worthless, useless, ugly, miserable. I don't know its just all too much to process and any help or advice is welcome.