Murakami

I'm a 42 years old woman diagnosed with CPTSD and borderline. I was probably a victim of child abuse. I have repressed all memories from before 5 years age when I was adopted to Europe. I have been very successful in my profession...yes, being a perfectionist can be a powerful trait in some situations ;)

But now I find that the defense mechanisms I unconsciously have used to keep my life together, can also be very damaging. The shields and walls that protected me from my terrible compartmentalized memories are getting heavier and very expensive. I realize now, that in order to live a full life I have to teach myself how to be vulnerable. One of my coping techniques has been to be overly autonomous. Asking anybody for help is comically hard. Cause when you don't need anybody, you can't loose'em ? Yeah, that's right. But it also means you're lonely.

I stumbled on this site by chance. Loosing my dear therapist since 4 years soon, I need to find some other way to work through all my stuff. I have done extensive therapy over many years, I will try share all the best things I learnt. I'm not here to milk sympathy or comfort. I would really appreciate to learn new things from others with same or similar experiences.

My whole life I have been different. Often I can't say what's on my mind cause I think I will freak out my friends. That loneliness is something I have learnt to handle, but not something I want. Maybe this is a place to start change that:)