Spekx

I feel a lot of anger all the time, I have agoraphobia. I generally don't like people because I feel like people have abandoned me all my life. I am currently in therapy and on medications for stage 2 hypertension, and depression. I recently have been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and general anxiety disorder. I suffer from night terrors, cold night-sweats, and anxiety attacks.

Since I was two years old my whole life has been one miserable experience after another. If Lemony Snicket had not already written a book series called "A Series of Unfortunate Events" that would've been the perfect title to my biography.

My transformation into full blown agoraphobia has been a slow and gradual worsening process. It started when I was almost jumped in public. At first I didn't like people standing behind me. This graduated into not liking strangers standing next to me. Finally to its current form, avoiding as many strangers as possible. I shop for grocery's during weekday's when most normal people are at work. I time doing my laundry at the laundry mat the same way. In fact everything I do is timed so that I will encounter as few people as humanly possible.

For an unemployed guy this exacerbates my depression, making me feel about as useful as a football bat. I can't stand to be in public, and I do terrible in job interviews. I don't like to look people in the eye's (it makes me feel like a psycho) and because I am always uncomfortable in public I am super self conscience and paranoid about how people (job interviewer) around me are perceiving me. I can't seem to concentrate on the questions asked of me, and I feel panicky the whole time.......the desire to flee is very difficult for me to overcome and at that point I don't care if I get the job or not, I just want the hell of the interview over with. How can I sell myself when I honestly don't believe that I am the best guy for the job?

I am applying for SSDI but currently feel overwhelmed by the whole process. They want to know all about my work history, exact dates etc. Because I don't like dealing with people its even more difficult for me to go ask somebody for the help that I actually require. I just keep gritting my teeth and hoping that "this too shall pass".