Sylvan

Ridiculously well educated for being a kept woman, I pine for intellectual stimulation. Sometimes. More often I am struggling to survive. My illness is a matter of life and death. I'm bipolar and PTSD, my survival statistics is not that good. Insurance pays for 15 minute med checks and some therapy and awful, useless hospital stays. Good care requires out of pocket. No doctor proscribes the same medicine. A neurologist told me medicine has made me worse. Akathesia almost killed me. Pharmaceuticals make huge profits off the insane spending more on marketing than research and only publishing research with positive results. I should be angry, but being mentally I'll isn't like having a real disease. Although I could die of it any day, I get terrible care. Some doctors say it is my fault. I am guilty for what I do to my family and for not being a productive member of society. How much better it would be if I had cancer,something respectable. People who treat me won't even feel guilt if I die reassured that spending 15 minutes with me is the best of care and suicide stems from a lack of inner strength. With kind and intensive care, wouldn't many lives be saved? People returned to productivity... Oh well

I have two wonderful teenage children who have gone through so much trauma with me and now they are I'll too. They will go to college and hopefully survive.

I'm lonely when I am not lost in swirling anxiety or deep depression or manic intensity. I have been able to read again sometimes which brings such relief.

Once upon a time I had many friends, parties every weekend, stimulating conversation, camping and rock climbing trips, a brilliant husband so unique, he killed himself.

Now I have no hope and only an obligation to live for the ones I love. They are happy coming off all the medicine and then going on lyric has cleared me of feeling like I was in crippling pain with nothing really hurting. Many months of torture. And each new episode of traumatizes me.