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Well, I've had a day. Had to take more money out of the savings to pay the rent. Then went to apply for benefits until I can find work, be that here or back at the front. There's a specific benefit payment for people trying to find work, which you get if you can prove you are trying to find a...

Cucumber and jalapeño gazpacho. Oddly, the cucumber rather overpowered the jalapeño. I think my ex made Pfeffernusse, once. They sound familiar.

Phoned the mental health crisis line today in while struggling to not kill myself. They said they'd have a doctor call me back. He finally called at 0100. Told me to go for a walk and to pretend I was ok. I despise doctors.

I'm inclined to agree. It seems to be just a bunch of women looking for validation and approval rather than actual company. I'm not totally convinced they aren't all just one person, actually. Some.kind of gestalt entity or hivemind. Every profile is more or less interchangeable- The first...

Replying to myself again. Treating this place like a blog. I am trying dating apps again for the first time in a long time and am perversely gratified to see that they are still as bad as I remember. I get frustrated because I can't fit everything relevant about me in the space required, yet...

Dating apps are depressing. Flicking through hundreds of women just emphasises how rare my 'type' actually is. Or, at least, that they are too busy to be on dating apps. I really DO need to get back to the war.

I'm tired of calling hotlines and posting on the internet. I just want the people who were supposed to be my friends and family to speak to me. It is 0023. I didn’t get to sleep until 0530 yesterday. I should try to sleep but I don't want to. I don't want to have gone another full day without...

Gradually turning this place into a home. Even got a little altar set up.

Sorry to hear that, Spock. I hope nothing irreplaceable was lost. Someone had a fairly hefty firework display tonight while I was walking off dinner. Amazing how much it sounded like a desperate gunfight. I think I might have had my first proper war flashback. I'm just lucky there was no...

That's the plan.

They are writing a child welfare report, but it won't be done until February

I need to get back to the war.

Not great. There was another trip to hospital a couple of nights ago. My mood is pretty up and down. Weird stuff is happening, too; when I get stressed the muscle memory in my arm freaks out and I have to surreptitiously go through the motions of loading and making ready an L85 or AK74 to get...

Alas, not a peep. I'm looking elsewhere, but there's precious little out there.

Thus far. Another hearing tomorrow. I'm going weapons free and telling them about all her diagnosed mental problems, her undiagnosed but pretty obvious Narcissistic Personality Disorder and things like her previous trouble with the law for allegedly threatening to beat a kid at our kids'...

I have deployed the Reciprocal Cheese. Now we wait.

I have bought a bit of nice stilton and written her a short note, explaining that as we have exchanged cheese, custom now dictates that we must run away together to begin a new life in a cottage in the woods. But I'll also accept going for a drink and seeing how that works.

Okay, I had a good night tonight. The crowd at my favourite bar has changed since last I was there, but the vibe is very much the same. I had a lot of fun and made some new friends. Had a bit of an ego boost due to a group of people trying to guess my age and none of them getting within a...

I'm drinking in my favourite dive bar, where I've been coming since my student days. Someone just complimented me on my outfit and guessed my age was 25. I'm 44.

JD and coke

Yesterday I saw what my dad said about me in a whatsapp message to my wife that she is using as evidence in court. It's amazing what you learn when you read things people write about you but think you will never see. So I spent another night in hospital. At this point I simply have to accept...

I don't know if I can rely on the kids to back me up. They haven't thus far, for whatever reason. Even the ones who really, really should be on my side are not. I don't understand. My head is swimming and I feel like I'm falling through space.