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@gizmo, I really appreciate the advice, it's something I've tried to establish with her for, well, 44 years now. Boundaries were obeyed by her to a point when he was around but now he's gone, so there's no one to "outrank" her. She never has, nor ever will be fully respectful of anyone's...

My sister is here. I told her I'm in a weird mood. She's been loud and thumpy since she walked in the door, dropping things, almost falling off the couch, scaring the bejeebers out of the dog repeatedly...calling him Bad Dog and I'm sorry, but not helping my mood at all. My heart is beating a...

@gizmo, they were dealing with a PTSD / grief stricken spouse anyway. I know they were treating it as a crime scene and it had to remain undisturbed to preserve evidence but no one ever allowed me to identify him. Ever. I don't know if my grief would have been easier to process if I'd seen him...

I didn't get much done today but I feel like I've been on my feet all day. My sister comes back tomorrow evening. I have brunch with an old coworker. I'm going to be exhausted. I woke up today with my jaw clenched so tight. I was hugging on my hubbys shirt. I can't remember what I was...

I was singing today, holding the guitar I don't know how to play, strumming the strings and I started singing a certain song that reminded me of my hubby and how he died. I burst into tears halfway through the song. It actually felt good to cry and have the freedom to do it. I didn't have to...

My back hurts. My tummy hurts. I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. I keep thinking about this kid and his suicide. He posted on fb just before 10pm last night that he missed his babies. He'd been banned from seeing them because he'd beaten up his spouse the week before. He posted a picture of his...

I was doing okay. I wasn't tearful. I had a job to do and that job was to prepare a meal for my sister. I had a series of tasks to accomplish. The day felt like all other holidays where he was at work. I was proud of me for not being mournful - and then my brother sent us a message. My cousins...

My sister and I just lost two hours talking about that day. I hardly breathed the entire time. I burst into tears over dinner tonight. I cried while writing my fb post to him today. It's been a tough day. My sister and I opened a gift as per tradition at midnight tonight, I felt nothing...

I slept for 4 hours and 45 minutes. I woke up, went to the bathroom and thought, "Is this what time it was when he got up that morning?" The same thought that runs through my mind each and every f'ing day that I wake up now whether I want it to or not. It was very bright outside. Our windows in...

@gizmo, I'm glad you will be with friends, enjoy your holiday. @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ, thank you for your kind words. I swing from knowing those things to not knowing them or believing them so quickly when the emotion takes over. Cognitively, I know what he was going through and how quickly it can...

I'm watching my husband's favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Carol, with Alistair Sim. We had a ritual where we'd cuddle up together and watch it every single year, whether it was on the big screen in our living room or under the covers in our bedroom, we always watched this movie at...

@gizmo, task by task. This is how I get through my days now and that's fine by me. I make a list every evening so I know what to do each day. I have even taken to writing things like what I plan to eat for my meals because sometimes I just can't think properly and I end up just eating cereal. If...

My dog is still limping around slightly. I don't see any injury but his paw pad is still pink. I did notice today that his paws STINK! So it might be a yeast thing,again from snow-wet paws, uggh, I may have to find him boots to wear. Anyway, we were stuck in the house, not to mention it was -16C...

@recoveringfromptsd, it would be nice to be able to turn to friends and family, unfortunately, other than my sister, I am essentially estranged from the rest of my family (my sister was on a midnight shift last night) and the "friends" I have I can count on one hand, but they're not close enough...

Today I woke up and found my driveway cleared of all snow. There were snowblower tracks in the driveway and I knew it had to be my neighbor, the same one whose been cutting my grass and watering my front lawn all year. I was just struck by how kind it was, I've never had anyone be that kind to...

My sister went back to work today. I'm glad but I'm also very lonely right now. It's quiet again in here and even the dog notices because he keep coming over and whining at me. I've fed him, walked him, played with him, petted him, did a training session and STILL he is whining and acting bored...

I did my daily post to my hubby on fb today and then promptly burst into tears looking at the picture of us together. I laid on the floor with the dog today and thought of that final night with him, how we lay there; I got him an air mattress to lie on so he'd be more comfortable. I was behind...

My sister decided to stay because she's not feeling well. It's been a busy couple of days despite that. I don't mind the company but there are the times I actually wish for silence; she's constantly "doing", if it's not talking she's making some kind of "noise" or other or moving about. My hubby...

A year ago today husband and I went for a hike/picnic in the park. It was warm, he was happy; we shared a sandwich. The weather was beautiful. Today, my sister, the dog and I hiked into the same park. It was cold, everything covered in snow and nothing like the hike last year. I still look for...

Our tree has light again. I hope it can stay that way. Now the house seems cold, especially our bedroom and especially since I turned the heat up a full degree when my sister got here! He's here somewhere, I have to believe it. Fb showed me a memory from last year this morning. It was the pics...

I went out and bought new Christmas lights for the tree last night and after my sister and I struggled to take the dead ones off of a decorated tree, we started carefully feeding in the new ones. About halfway done my sister says, "You checked to see if these work, right?" And I said, "they're...

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ, thank you for your words and support, I am sending you hugs and wishing you continued peace. Today I cried watching a movie. In it a twin who lost his brother contacts a psychic to contact his dead brother, the psychic informs him that his brother is telling him he is on his...

Bad episode today. Got a package for my sister delivered today, the UPS guy left it on the porch and rang the doorbell. I had a dog going nuts at the sound of the doorbell and a huge trigger waiting for me on the other side of that door. I opened the door, saw the package and immediately...

I've got lunch with one of my old partners from work this week, a therapy appointment and possibly a hike with my husband's last partner at work. He was supposed to come over short notice last week but cancelled at the last minute, so I'm not sure if this hike will happen this week, especially...

My sister came overnight to help me decorate for Christmas. The tree is up and it felt no different from any other year. I found myself wondering if he'd be surprised when he came home from work. I had to remind myself that he isn't at work. He'll never just be at work again. I almost felt...