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I know I need to work on that trigger. However, I don't understand how to work on it. It doesn't seem like working on it would consist of enduring it until I snap, driving away the person I am relying on to help me with all of my shit, of which this trigger is only a tiny part. That is what will...

I have discussed when I have wanted to do things before, but that was different. This feels more like you're asking me to go get a physical and not move my leg when the doctor uses the reflex mallet on my knee. Due to the trigger - her looking at me - I can't just go there and have a...

Anyway, doesn't matter. I notified already.

I don't get it. How is going to an appointment where I will screech at her, insult her, curse her out, and destroy her belongings a good idea? She would probably call the cops, and I'd be too incensed to leave the premises before they arrived. I am not talking about ideation. Those are not...

I don't think I would say that I think I know what's best. But I disagree with the idea that somebody else necessarily knows what will be best for me by virtue of her profession. I might not know best, but I do know myself very well indeed and better than the therapist does. She really has no...

I know feeling violated is different from being violated. That's why I said my feelings are irrational. I just don't see a point in going there and feeling like that. I know myself and I would either say absolutely nothing or be really hostile because it does not feel safe to have her looking...

I get where you're thinking I'm mind reading and I'm certainly guilty of that with my weird little delusions. However, at the moment, I can't even identify any thoughts I'm having about stuff she might be thinking. That makes it really hard to talk myself down. I think if/when I walk in there...

I texted her earlier and asked if she had to look at me on Friday. I suggested she look at her window instead or anywhere except at me or a 1.5 ft radius surrounding me (maybe that was too big of an area...). She didn't respond. Then I got worried she would think I meant she needed to move...

I'm not 100% sure what you mean because your wording is a bit fuzzy. I didn't mean that attachment is an excluding factor. My intention was to honor OP's identification as having PTSD while also suggesting that there might be a technical distinction, as per the DSM, that this current therapist...

Hmm, so if the PTSD was from attachment/developmental trauma, is that not what people call complex PTSD? I am absolutely not minimizing the traumatic nature of that type of trauma, but I am wondering if the reason this new therapist doesn't want to diagnose you with PTSD is because complex PTSD...

Yes, I feel just the same and I have told the therapist so. I don't think she understood but she didn't try to force me to do anything. The topic actually came up because I was on a tirade about a yoga class I was taking for PE credit and threw mindfulness in there - partially because it was...

You said the diagnosis helped you to get better, so wouldn't it make sense that your diagnosis might be "downgraded" (if that's how you want to put it)? If you're getting better, you will not always meet the criteria for PTSD. Have you asked her why she feels you don't meet criteria? Try to...

I don't know. I'm scared I might throw up just from the anxiety of having to sit there. Even if we aren't talking about "it," that's what I'll be thinking about, and that she knows, and that she's looking at me. I want to propose wearing a paper bag or pillowcase over my head, but I know that...

I can't stand it. I need to cancel. I think I will call the receptionist and leave a message and then she won't even notice.

I have asked her if she finds me disgusting and repulsive before. The text I sent that led to the OP actually insinuated to her that she had lied to me and that she does actually find me to be those things. Part of it said "And maybe since you probably do think I am bad (because I am and I LOVE...

But also, I realized I left out this one thing I did during the thing that happened and I feel like I have to tell her. But I don't want to because I don't want to speak of that thing that happened ever again. But I do want to because then maybe she'll see who I really am and act accordingly...

That's just not true. You are not considered a dependent if you make more than a certain amount of money in a given tax year, and that's a very low amount - like 4k. Most people have made that much in a single year before they are 25. Many students work full time and may exceed this amount...

Just try to remember, "adding" a "new" diagnosis doesn't actually add anything new. You're already dealing with whatever you're dealing with. No doubt you already know that, but sometimes we have to remind ourselves of stuff like that. Personally, I wouldn't like it if I felt like a therapist...

I had a really hard session today. Feels excruciating letting the therapist in like this. I'm not sure it's worth it. I told her a really bad memory and she responded appropriately. Am I supposed to now feel better? Because I actually feel worse. I hate the idea that the therapist has this...

No. My dad had some severe anger issues when I was young and the mother suffered from severe depression. They were both really unpredictable and were each abusive in different ways, but I don't think I can claim either of them is a narcissist. The abuse that occurred directly at their hands that...

You don't have to say the word "rape" if you don't want to. If you feel like discussing these dreams with your therapist would be helpful, I wouldn't let aversion to having to say that word hold you back. You can always just say "force to have sex" if that's easier, or just "sex" if the context...

Nope, only her.

Eh, I just don't see it. I think the whole point regarding idealization and devaluation is that it IS polarization and basically you go from thinking someone is awesome to horrible. I get what you are saying about extremes of ways of relating, but that comes back to idealizing or devaluing the...

I'm open to the idea that I have a fear of abandonment by the therapist - like I said, I really don't let anybody close enough to me to be able to say with certainty that I don't have this issue. The reason I said I didn't think this was an issue for me is that when I talk to other people, it...

I don't find journaling helpful as it tends to create a platform for me to flesh out my paranoid delusions and things just escalate. I did not assume what happened when she didn't text me about the appointment. She told me when she responded to my text that she had told the receptionist that...