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@Freida I just think it's great you're at a place where you realize, after the fact, and can kind of process it, that it IS a cognitive distortion. My sufferer never got that far, mainly because he can't/won't do the work to do it. I have really appreciated your take on this thread, truly...

Sorry if I'm stepping on toes, being a supporter and not a sufferer - BUT! I was a peer sex educator for a good while through high school and college, and beyond (minus the peer at that point), and healthy sexuality is a favorite topic of mine. :) It sounds like you're doing great! My own...

I'm a supporter, and do not have much meaningful to add, but I had to say something about this - I'm from Iowa as well (no longer there), and the first time I learned about the town you're talking about - it blew me away! Whowouldathunkit? TM in the heartland, with an entire town catering to it...

Yes, yes it does. At first I felt guilty at feeling a bit relieved. As time passes, the relief is getting to be stronger, and the guilt is going away. Now if I could just figure out how to....well I don't want to cut the cord. Or do I? Ugh! :cautious:

Then, to complicate even further, sometimes the source of the PTSD can be an issue. For instance, my own sufferer has cPTSD from an abusive/neglected childhood. Sooooo....he never knew what a "healthy" adult relationship is because he never saw one. His parents and step parents were all abusive...

My journey for the last year has been a lot of "What do *I* want in a relationship?" I've been attempting to wrap my head around the idea that I'm allowed to have wants, desires, and needs, and that it doesn't make me a bad person to have them, or even to *gasp!* pursue those wants, desires, and...

I wish there was some way to get my sufferer to actually acknowledge the effect PTSD has (reminded by "I know it's not logical, but I'm hurt and angry so it has to come out"). I'm not sure if he's moved past/through "But she said this awful thing!" when in reality, he was triggered by something...

Man, I WISH my sufferer had just laid it out for me. Instead, I spent 7 years thinking that he just had no interest in doing anything, big OR small, with me. "It's not you, it's that I don't want to" starts to sound fake when there is a very very limited number of things he's willing to do. Or...

That's kind of what happened with my sufferer. He told me, long long ago, that he's a loner asshole, but he likes who he is and who he wants to be when he's with me. Again, "PTSD" was not an "issue" (and I allowed way too many of my own boundaries be trampled for way too long, but different...

Projections happened all the time with my sufferer, especially at the end. He eventually took my disengaging as my being "done," (along with thinking that's what I said, which wasn't what I said at all) so even disengaging ended up being the "wrong" thing to do. That said, our marriage therapist...

Mine never walked out, until he was finally done. Screaming and belittling? Yeah, that happened, but generally only when he was symptomatic (which, ok, being untreated, was far too often). And he NEVER hit me - that's a hard and unwavering boundary I DO have. He does seem to...not...

P.S. That is NOT to say it gives them an excuse to just...exist, and treat their partner like an inconvenience and annoyance (or worse). PTSD is a selfish beast, but that doesn't make the behavior ok. And unacknowledged and untreated PTSD? Not something I'll deal with again.

My sufferer often said the same thing, and only once admitted that "everything" means - he let me in, let me live with him, allowed me to share his home (his refuge) with him. He let me into his life, and I had to figure out how to either sink or swim. Or leave. That was my other option. That...

P.S. I have a neat freak of a mother - once upon a time I had to tell her that if she couldn't keep her opinions about my cleanliness to herself, she wasn't welcome in MY home. Now that I'm older, and have started establishing boundaries, and have started actually speaking up for myself, she's...

Yeah...who goes into someone else's house, goes to the bathroom that is not even the most convenient (and therefore, obviously not meant for guests), cleans up because it's not to THEIR standards, then comes out with "evidence" to berate their so-called loved ones? Yeah no. I don't care if...

:hug:

That's a thing for me, too. I have NO IDEA what my sufferer has told his family about me, and I intellectually know it's none of my business, but DAMN. I hate being lied about. Sometimes I have to remind myself constantly that it's none of my business what anyone else thinks of me. :cautious...

When my sufferer started accusations of...just weird stuff sometimes...it was generally a sock to the gut - when I wasn't confused as hell by the accusation. An example of the confusing: Once upon a time, when his daughter (of whom he did not have custody) was still a teen, she decided she...

Yup, the Thousand Yard Stare. Happens to those of us with depression, too. I never realized I did it, either, until someone asked me "Are you ok? Where are you right now?" when I was sitting right next to them. Now that I'm aware, it's generally a good marker for me that my depression is...

Aaaand ok, so "pull me in" may be the wrong words to use, as if *I* had no agency. I did. I also trusted him to tell me the truth, and to be willing to work to be the person he said he wanted to be. He said he wanted to be the best he could be, I didn't tell him he had to. I didn't enforce my...

Intellectually, I know he didn't pull me in with ill intent, or with the thought that he'd eventually do the same thing again, or anything like that. I know he loved (past tense? who knows! lol) me as best he could for as long as he could. Intellectually I KNOW. It's the emotional part that has...

This thread has been/is immensely helpful for me. @A concerned spouse, I feel ya. I did the wrong things for the right reasons. I had no idea I was doing too much for my sufferer (because I didn't know he was a sufferer), which led to resentment for both of us. And then, because of the day to...

When my ex and I were in couples counseling, counseling did more harm than good (mainly because he wasn't in treatment himself and I didn't know PTSD was an issue). We could have some genuinely good days at home, and in counseling everything was the opposite of what was happening at home (and I...

My sufferer would be lost without his cat. The cat is a shit, and is definitely HIS cat (he was "our" cat - Cat loves me still but I am definitely NOT dad! lol), and the cat isn't a service animal. But, kitty brings a lot of comfort. When we had a dog (she was my baby, but once my sufferer was...

That was the other part I was missing! @Muttly has it - For my sufferer, he didn't "do" anything. Things were done TO him. Awful things. Things no child should have to go through. In his lifetime, he has had to be violent, and that violence took its toll (though not as much as his childhood...