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I cut my hair today. I chopped off two ponytails of 8" each. To paraphrase the little boy in the movie "Room", I think someone else needs my strong now. My head feels so much lighter. I'm back to the "sassy" haircut that he loved so much. I feel kind of guilty, the long hair was my way of...

The dog and I did another "marathon" hike today. It was such a nice day I didn't want to stop, the trail seemed too short. We were walking for a full 2 hours and 15 minutes and even though the gps screwed up, it was probably close to a 20km round trip, maybe realistically 14km. I'm pretty hard...

I came home from my sister's house today, first thing I wanted was to tell hubby all about it. Instead I came upstairs and hugged his shirt then kissed it several times telling him how much I missed him. This is never going to get easier is it? My mind will always be stuck trying to convince...

I'm at my sisters for the weekend. It's the usual ups and downs; I'm on her turf now so it really doesn't matter what I want, but I'm made to feel bad for not voicing any plans - oh well, all is as expected. When I reduce the expectations, it's actually kinda fun. Been thinking of him a lot...

The "buff" dog and I went for an hour and a half hike today in a new trail zone. Every time I do a new hike in unfamiliar territory I think of how hubby will never see them and I will never be able to share it with him. I come home, a bit more settled inside and wanting to tell him the tale of...

Uggh, sometimes this hurt and pain just wells up out of nowhere and threatens to swallow you. It is a deep and dark pit of depression. I get so damned lonely. There are days when the sound of the television is just not enough to satisfy this loneliness inside. The dog looks at me like I'm the...

I'm extremely anxious right now and I don't know how to calm down. I had to tell the neighbor kids off today because they were bouncing a ball against my house and agitating not only me but the dog. The dog was so wound up he startled on the stairs and crashed down them into a potted plant I...

The dog and I did a marathon hike today - I had to go slow for him! He's 7 which in human years is essentially my age but I'm thinking he spent 6 of those years inside a house not getting much exercise. Since I've had him he's developed some insane definition in his leg muscles. He looks like he...

14 month anniversary today. He's been dead for 14 whole months. It hardly seems like two to me. He was just here. Wasn't he just here? My sister went home today. The dog and I have not ventured out. This is always the worst day for me, having to deal with the quiet of the house all over again...

My friend wrote on his fundraiser that my husband shot himself in the heart. That shocked me. I've never heard that before. I don't know if that's truth or rumor. The only way for me to know for sure is to open the coroner's report and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. All I know is what was...

They were the three amigos, my husband, my preceptor and their partner. That partner is participating in a 52km hike this fall to raise funds for a PTSD charity - he also has PTSD. He is dedicating his hike in honour of my husband. I'm humbled by the gesture. I want to send something with him...

My sister and I met up with two of our nieces last night and went to the movies. I was a passenger in the car and halfway through the evening realized I was searching for him. Every car, every face, every crowd, I was looking for his familiar shape, his face, just something to make me feel more...

I dreamed I was with him and I was having his child. We never had children, he was always afraid to be his dad and I couldn't work out the logistics of it without him...I mean childcare / finances not actually making the child! :) I always tried to get him to engage in a serious discussion...

There's no one I'd rather talk to right now than my husband. Some days you just wish that you could have one night to talk again, I mean you wish it so badly it's like it's an actual possibility. I really need to talk to him. :(

Walking the dog today down in the valley below where he died, does "his car" not come driving down that road toward us! Exact make, model, color and snow tires still on! My heart skipped a beat, my breath caught in my throat, I looked at the dog and thought, "He'll get to see the dog!!" The...

I wake up every day, I touch his shirt and I say, "I miss you." I'm so tired of saying I Miss You because it just doesn't cover what that even is. I Miss You goes without saying, I guess these days, so I may start just touching his shirt, he knows how I feel. It's been well over a year hasn't...

I needed him today. My truck wouldn't start and I had to search through boxes of tools just to find that the piece I needed was missing. Our booster pack was dead and I was all kinds of losing it in my house today. I felt so damn helpless and stupid. I didn't know how to disconnect the...

I feel a horrible amount of pain today. I have no energy to do anything but I also am not willing to let myself relax. I want to keep pushing and pushing but my body is telling me it won't cooperate. I've been having difficulty sleeping ever since that envelope came for him. Last night, in the...

I feel every day that I carry a dark cloud within me - is it grief or is it depression? I feel incomplete most days. I talk to the dog, I walk with the dog but it's not the same as having my husband here. A former coworker of his wants to come for a visit this week. He's a man I haven't seen...

My therapist agrees with me that this whole incident was highly insensitive on their part. Also that this incident is triply re-traumatizing; to his death, to that particular call and to the entire situation with them that is still outstanding. I'm not just over reacting here. I'm really not...

I'm getting people defending them tonight, making up excuses for something I have already deemed inexcusable. The envelope was addressed to him as if he's still alive! It was not addressed to me, nor to "the estate", it was addressed directly to a man that they know has been dead for over a...

My friend told me on the phone last night that no one can expect me to "get over this" in any kind of timeframe, just the same as they can't expect me to snap out of the PTSD. She lost her mom suddenly three years ago and said she still has really bad days so she can't imagine I'd be anywhere...

Cried just before bed. Realized I was waiting for him. He hasn't come home from work in over a year...I still wait for him to come home. I still feel like he's just away and not gone. On tv there was a scene where the wife says she couldn't go on if her husband died. I remember him saying that...

Yesterday was my trauma anniversary date. I stayed in. The dog absolutely hated being inside all day but it was also super sub-zero temperatures out yesterday (and again today!) so I didn't feel so bad keeping him inside. I used to have a pajama day on that day when hubby was alive - he used to...

I had things to talk to him about today, I needed his counsel. It wasn't just about venting either, it was about going over something and needing a fresh pair of ears, his optimism. I really needed him... And every time I say that my mind brings up the time he abandoned me in the ocean after I...