Search results

I thought I'd get away so I packed up the dog & drove to my sisters house, the longest drive this dogs been on with me since I got him - he did fine, slept the whole way. That being said, he's like a toddler when you take him anywhere. We weren't here two minutes when he managed to get himself...

I am depressed today. I woke up early before it was fully light; it's automatic now even if I don't want too I just do. I just lay there wondering, "is this what time it was?" that morning when he decided he was going to die. I think about it a lot. I was crying this morning in bed, trying to...

I need his hugs. I need them so badly. I want them back. I wonder if he knew that he was condemning me to a life filled with reminders of his death? I wake every single morning around the time he woke that day. Its not like I plan it, my mind just wakes up and I lay in bed thinking about that...

I'm missing him so badly today. Last night I woke up and heard the dog breathing and I thought my nightmare was over, that he was actually in the room with me. I reached out in that half asleep happy space in my head and my hand fell on his shirt wrapped around his blanket. I was immediately...

When I met my husband he was a strong but non-practicing Catholic; the whole concept of purgatory freaked him out but he said apparently no one in his religion could ever be damned because of purgatory. You pay and atone and you get into heaven eventually. He used to joke that I was going to...

Suicide. The dog and I were walking today and this thought popped into my head - what stopped me from doing before him (the dog)? And of course, naturally, how brave did he have to be to go through with it? Did he know it was going to be what it turned out to be? I read up on shotgun deaths...

I went back to the basement today. It was way too hot in the house and the basement was the coolest place. I think the temperature went above 40*C today! I tidied up some more, played find the toy with the dog and made him chase me around. I came across some soft multi colored exercise mats...

Thanks for being my cheering squad @gizmo, it means a lot. I sort of had an unwitnessed crying episode in the Walmart today. I was coming down a main aisle and heading toward the electronics/movie area and I thought, "I wonder if he was looking for any new movies..." My next thought was to...

Had a panic attack earlier, thought I smelled rotten egg smell. I opened the windows to vent the house but was breathing shallow, experiencing a headache and feeling lethargic - all out of sheer panic because Nothing Was Wrong in the house. Yes, I'd used the fireplace, yes, I'd opened the...

Everything is a reminder. This morning I'm exhausted, slept only two hours, dog woke me up at 5 urgently wanting to go out, then woke me up again at 7, uggh. It was freezing when we came downstairs so I decided to turn on the fireplace. As I sat staring at the flame I thought, "The last time...

I found my old diary that I'd been missing since he died and I SWEAR I checked under the bed in the room my sister sleeps in SEVERAL times!! I went in there today and it was just lying there, under the bed next to my old textbook. I took everything out from under that bed the month he died...

Heard of the 22 push ups for 22 days challenge? A Suicide Awareness / PTSD awareness campaign that started to bring attention to the fact that 22 veterans a day commit suicide in the US. Well, I'm in Canada and our stats aren't that high, but considering the fact that "veteran" includes anyone...

Trying not to be sad today. Spent time in the community garden volunteering. It's nice out there in the morning when the sun is just coming up and the grass is covered in dew. The dog gets to take me for a walk and I actually let him off leash today for the first time. He followed me happily...

I had to function today, no choice. I wanted to not function today. My little stinky alarm clock woke me up at 6 am today but last evening my neighbor also told me he was getting his roof done today and I had to have my vehicle out of my driveway all day. I took the dog to the park for an hour...

God this hurts so bad. What did I do to deserve this? Why did he leave me here alone? I'm sitting here on my couch at 930 in the evening and apart from a dog snoring on the floor there is no one else here for me. There never will be. I won't have anyone in my life ever again. What was he...

Some days I hate being alive without him. Some days life is just too hard to face alone. I had a fight with the dog today and I lost it on him. He's afraid of me now. I'm a bad person. All I was doing was trying to treat his feet but he kept fighting and pulling and running away then he...

It's almost midnight, I can't sleep. The dog will have me up at 6 am. I keep thinking of him, that day, the day he died. He DIED. Almost 7 months after the fact and I still can't fathom that. He's dead. He committed suicide. He shot himself. How? How did HE do that? He was my everything...

It hurts really badly again today. My heart just feels like it could explode. I just want to give up and lay down and let life run right over me. I can't do this today. I can't be or do anything, it just hurts too bad. I miss him so much. He died. How in hell did he die? How did that have to...

Im exhausted. My body aches and every muscle feels heavy. My sister doesn't get what her whirlwind three hour tours do to me. I can't go from zero to a hundred overnight, I need to build up to it. I'm also a little tired of the dog being an inconvenience to her agenda - let's take him on a...

I need him home!!! God or whoever you are, just send him back!!! This morning my sister woke up and because I've been unusually emotional the past few days missing my husband so intensely, I've been a little moody and easily exhausted. I guess I was ruining her life high, so after grumping...

My sister is visiting for four days. At first she told me she was going to come today to "drop off" a dog bed, then she called and asked if I needed any groceries. When she got here with her bags I asked how long she was staying and she said, "Oh I thought I told you until Sunday." Nope. First...

I ended up not needing the Ativan, instead the dog and I went to the backyard to put the pool away for the season. I was "distracted" and working off some physical energy. There were tears while I worked but I didn't care. Of course my neighbors daughter saw the dog through the fence and...

@scout86, I know my husband had a "break down" at one point during his career, said he was depressed and needed time away from the job because he was being "harassed" by a coworker. She was married and kept making inappropriate advances on him, he felt he couldn't do anything about it because...

My crazy dog tried to wake me up at 445am today!! I think he realized then that I'm not exactly an early morning person as I growled at him, "Hey! Go lay down, it's too early to be up!" He went sulking back to his bed and I rolled over and fell asleep again. I was dreaming about my husband in...

I went out to dinner alone. They sat me in a private table for two, likely because I was alone. I ate the meal I always ate and because there was no room for dessert, they packed it up for me to bring home. The waiter was very sympathetic when I told him that I'd come to honor our anniversary...