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I've gotten really clear on the abuse cycle recently. I don't usually get the sweet in the "traditional" sense that I understood from various literature, so it was harder for me to admit to myself at first. He gets nasty and scary, then either he demands I apologize to him for things I haven't...

It's so beautiful to hear that you have a happy relationship after what you experienced! My confidence is so low right now that I get uncomfortable when a man even attempts to flirt with me. I feel a combination of suspicion and wondering why he even wants to talk to me, even though I...

Whirlwind you are sooo nice and so right, I'm almost at the finish line. No, I don't want to take the risk or leap of faith that would be required to give him a "chance" on the medication, as he's phrased it. What you said about being an actor on your husband's stage is so relatable. My...

Thanks for this context, as I have no knowledge on the effects of Lexapro or how long it takes to work properly. I'm also thinking about a good friend who left an abusive relationship years ago, and her partner had his worst fits of rage even on anti-anxiety medication. When your ex-partner...

Thanks for all your messages everyone. I don't even have the words to express how much they're helping. Today's a really hard day. He got prescribed Lexapro yesterday, so he's gone from threatening and bargaining, to being cool as a cucumber today. I'm a blubbering mess, and next to him I look...

Oh, this is good about the notes. When you wrote that you weren't allowed to laugh loud in the evenings, I thought, "Wow, I don't have anything similarly extreme" - but then I thought about it more and I do!! My phone has to be on silent past work hours or else he gets very upset. Can't even be...

Update: my brother is holding me accountable. He wanted to come as soon as today because he is worried about my safety, but I was overwhelmed by this idea and he agreed to come next Monday instead. There's an actual official date, and I'm doing this. I'm sure I will chicken out many times...

Wow, I opened the computer today to check on this forum, and you essentially quoted everything that's going through my brain. I woke up before him this morning and had a moment in the living room alone, and asked myself, can I do this every morning? Wake up alone and make it through the morning...

Well, my fear is twofold - first, it's the standard stuff that goes along with a breakup, i.e. moving on and being without someone who's been your focus for years. The second part is that I don't know how he's going to act. I am terrible about sticking to my safety plan, i.e. not telling him or...

Love and support to you! We can do this.

Thank you. I know the end is getting closer and closer. I told myself that my absolute last date to leave is the end of my lease, and I've been so anxious, nervous, nauseous. I wake up in a panic, and I can't act normal around him anymore. I feel like I just want to be out and done, but that I...

Yes, that's him. At a certain point, he also requested that I block the siblings he was in a fight with. And then later on, he got mad at me for not following a sibling's fiance on social media, and said it reflected that I was not interested in their lives. He's ironically not one to snoop...

What happened to your eldest son is exactly what happened to my partner. He was violently abused by his stepdad, who also abused his mom. He was the only child in their family who experienced physical abuse - the stepdad basically reserved it all for him - and his mom both minimized and denied...

Thanks for the validation. Yes, he is a gaslighter too. If I tell him his behavior is boundary-crossing or that I'm scared of him, he invalidates my experience and says that the things I do are "just as bad." He's gone as far as to say that I abuse him, too. I asked him if he's ever been scared...

What you said about triggering fights is so true. The tension builds over a couple of days, and I know it's going to happen eventually. I used to not notice it and it felt like his temper came out of nowhere, but you eventually learn the patterns. Sometimes I make a simple ask even though I know...

I'm both happy and nervous that she wants to help. I didn't even ask for it, it was just her immediate feedback after the individual session.

Update: the couple's counselor had an individual session with me, and as the session wrapped up she told me that for the future she wants to lead our sessions into me exiting the relationship safely, and that she knows I'm scared, but that all my concerns are valid and this is abuse. Then she...

Your comment touched me very much, thank you. I've spent so much of this time questioning myself, wondering if I'm making things up or exaggerating, even though I know that's all part of it. I will take your advice this week and show myself some kindness.

You're right, it's possible I will never get this moment. I've been thinking about that frog in boiling water concept, and how my "enough" threshold is probably completely skewed at this point and I might have to accept it to get my life back. He has been in individual counseling for the last...

Having that moment of "that's enough" is what I've really wanted. I keep thinking I've experienced it, but I've actually had a lot of false starts. The therapist has set up separate consults and wants to talk to me first, so I'm going to lay it all out on the table when I talk to her. When we...

Thank you Bearlinda, you've been so kind and supportive. I remember that about Lundy's book and I know it would have been smart of me to take that advice. There's a reason he says it!

I don't have the experience of leaving yet, but it makes sense that it's a struggle. You gave so much of yourself to this person, and I imagine that a lot of your day to day involved focusing on him - is he ok, is he angry, etc. Now that focal point is gone. And those good times that you had...

I want to thank everyone for their continued support, and for sharing their stories. I look through new comments every day, and I re-read comments too. I attend an in-person therapy group for women who are in my situation, or who have successfully left a situation like mine, and I checked in...

Maybe I have a false sense of security because he's never injured me? I've never had a bruise, cut, etc, it's all emotional scarring. I know he's laid hands on me (pushing, putting hands around neck), but I don't have a clear gauge of whether that leaves me at immediate risk for being physically...

To be fair, I got defensive with one person regarding what to do about my dogs. I love my dogs (and dogs in general) so much, and am very sensitive about that particular topic. This forum has made me feel so supported in general. There's something to be said about having confirmation that I'm...