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Can't believe I nearly went full Rambo. Yeah, got a nice oak, king sized bed coming on Monday. Cost a fair bit, even second hand, but f*ck it. I also went to my storage unit to pick up civilian clothes and got distracted. Came home with my record player and a bunch of LPs instead. I'm going...

I spent most of last night in a low-budget local remake of First Blood. After the phone call from the social worker telling me my daughter had changed her mind about meeting, I decided to go hiking into the woods and not come out. About 12 hours later, realising that, due to my physical...

She changed her mind. Doesn't want to see me. I'm going hiking instead.

Her mother will get a courtesy message so she knows not to cook dinner for both of them once we've safely left the area. She'll flip her shit, but can do nothing about it. M y eldest is my daughter in every sense and will not be forced into a course of action by the words 'because I said so'.

I'm not very good at 'selfish'. At least, not intentionally. I never usually go out of my way to put myself first, though I'm prone to not realising that other people need things. I'm currently trying to organise an RV and exfil with my eldest who wants to spend the weekend with me.

I'm lucky enough to not give a single, solitary flying f*ck about the people behind art, so I never find out any of this stuff and never have to worry about it. Edit after thinking a bit: I write, though I'm still looking for an agent, so it's not quite the same. I think I'll use a pen name so...

Yeah. I have to decide. They guy who gave me the heads up works for a fairly well-known outfit with a lot of resources. The other option is a smaller outfit put together from the ground up by a good friend of mine. Decisions, decisions.

Tomorrow morning, actually. I told the guy I'm going back to the war when I can, but it's cheap enough that I.ight keep it on. Assuming my next contract doesn't go to shit. It's worse than just the lack of war- I've had my kids in the house for 12 years. Being here but without them?

I'm burning through my live savings like money is going out of fashion. At least now I can be poor and lonely indoors. I've never actually had my own space. The little rooms I had in the army or at the police college hardly count. I don't know how I'm going to cope in a whole flat all by...

I have found a flat. I need to buy a bed. Then I need to get all my shit out of storage. Then I need to decorate for Christmas, because this sort of thing is what I live for. I am in a pub just now. It is 1437 local time. I shouldn't be drinking. Especially by myself. All my friends are very...

Nothing matters. For the second night in a row I have been drinking. Tonight, though, I railed some Romanian girl. That's not important, though. Nothing is important. All just dust in yhe wind, right? Whatever I had is gone. Whoever I was is gone. This place is just full of ghosts now. I need...

No, the ex is try to throw all sorts of orders and injunctions at me. I'm fighting this alone due to poverty. Got stiffed on my last contract

While I was over there I was constantly worrying about getting back here to my kids. I just want to go back now. There's nothing for me here. That's my life now. Once that one ends, on to the next.

Um, I can't really remember. I mostly remember crying a lot. They put me in touch with some people but, realistically, there's not much they can do about what's actually happening. As far as the kids go, it's up to the courts. As far as my parents go...that just is what it is. I slept last...

I don't know. Woke up this morning and everything is right back where it was. I might hike to the woods today. I still have a bunch of tourniquets. That's basically a garotte if you put it on your neck, right? f*ck, this is going to hurt.

I spoke to the police and a social worker. They're trying to get me some help, but there's a limit to what they can do.

See? It makes sense, doesn't it? I.hate when people say that I'm ill.or not being rational. I'm perfectly sane. Everything in my life is terrible and there's no road that leads to better. To keep pushing on and hoping for some sort of miraculous change would be irrational

I spoke to a doctor before. He said 'your life is just shit. That's not a medical issue.' I'm burning through my life savings at an alarming rate. Because I've been out the country I have no payslips or proof of address, so I needed my parents to vouch for me to get a place. They wouldn't...

Sorry. Think I nodded off for a bit. Any options that involve hanging around just involve more of the same. Life is just deeply unpleasant and always has been. I have no evidence to suggest that can or will change. So here I am. Still. For some reason.

I wish there were other options. I.mean, there are, but they all involve me being in pain for years. I don't sleep, you know? I mean, I lie down and things go black for 3 or 4 hours, but I'm sure sleep used to be more than that. I'm really sleepy now, all of a sudden. I haven't even done...

Knew I should have left my phone behind. I have this compulsion to respond to messages that is not very helpful at a time like this. It's dawn and I am by the river where I grew up. I grew up right on the bank, nearly. It's part of me, in a way. I had wanted to go into one specific part of the...

This is just to say goodbye. Thanks for reading all my deranged crap. Sorry. P141 out.

I've been away at war for quite a while but they won't come and meet me because it's difficult to get parked. I've been imagining hugs from my kids and catching up on news and general family stuff, but...nope.

My kids aren't coming to meet me off the 'plane. My mum just transferred me a twenty and said to get a taxi to my hotel, so my parents aren't meeting me, either. The friend who told me to move in with her isn't replying to my messages. I should not have come back.

Counting months. Trying to mentally slot another contract around significant family events in the year. I know I have a lot more leeway if I take one particular contract, because the guy offering it is an old friend who specifically sought me out. Also really hoping the customs guys don't take...