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I don't know. They seem to be happier without me. Can't blame them.

Well, the adrenaline of the last few days has worn off and I'm sitting here, freezing my arse off and regretting everything. Why was I so determined to stay alive? This whole mess just proves that nothing ever works out for me. No matter how much effort I put in, everything fails. I should...

Saw a missile slam into the middle of a city and didn't run toward the explosion to help. The best part of me is dead.

Will do. If I can get across the border I can get a flight home, but I will have to lurk in-country until Friday before I try that. Got to lose myself in the mess of charity types, soldiers, mercs and spies back West for a bit. At least I can get beer there, if I can afford it. I should be...

I've been the suicidal guy trying to keep doing his job and I've been betrayed, so I know how that feels. What worries me about him is less his suicisal ideation than his total passivity; he strikes me as the kind to decide to serenely accept his fate when things get sticky, rather than...

Pretty much anyone could die at any moment. I spent 20 years in the emergency services and saw people who died one their way through to the fridge. I want people with me who will put effort into keeping us all alive. As it is, I have given him and Drone Girl the heads-up and passed on the...

Fair enough! I'm looking forward to spending Christmas and a few months with my kids while I sort a few things out back home, but I don't think I can go back to the World forever. I think I've found my place.

Right. Last Post then I stop hogging this thing. I'm going home for Christmas. I had a chance meeting in a pizza place and was advised in the strongest possible terms to get my arse out of dodge. The future is not bright for what is left of my unit. I've been offered a job, though, when I'm...

Got the shakes and my heart rate is through the roof.

Drone Girl being a typical drone pilot.

Mostly so you know I'm not just a Walt posting from a Starbucks in Birmingham or something, these houses were my neighbours for a few weeks a while back.

Re. My last post: normally I wouldn't say that much for OPSEC reasons, but f*ck me if even my employers aren't just putting the whole f*cking war on Facebook. Not how we did things in my day, but there you go. Used to be you waited until it was all over then wrote a book about it.

As of today the Boss is being transferred to another unit, our best guy is being taken for an instructor post, two are in hospital long term, one was RTU'd after a freak out and one is dead. That leaves me, another guy, Suicide Guy and Drone Girl. This outfit is done as an independent entity...

Drone Girl came back. She's living with us for a while. When the drone team picked her up this morning I came to meet them and see her off. They found this amusing. Apparently they asked her if she wanted to come back, then asked if she wanted a transfer to the assault group. She has no idea why...

Pretty sure there are just horrible tentacle things here. Drone Girl has gone back to her team’s accommodation and the horrible sick, shaky feeling has come back. I'm out for a walk because I just don't feel comfortable with the other guy in my billet just now. He is new and has no prrior...

Panicked. Ashamed. Sick.

It might be as simple as that. I care about her and I can keep an eye on her here. She reminds me of my partner in the police, on the specialist firearms unit we belonged to, in her literal 'ride or die' attitude. I honestly thought she and I would be as close as we were then for life, but life...

Okay, I'm hogging this thread a bit, but today is kind of eventful. After all last night's excitement Drone Girl stayed the night and I got the best night's sleep I've had in a while. Don't get me wrong, I like her and we are kind of getting into flirty territory, but we were in separate beds...

Now there's an idea. Drone Girl has a stash of energy bars. Everyone else seems to be getting by on Non-Stop and tobacco. I didn't smoke cigarettes before I came here, now I'm on 20 a day because I can't get my cigars here. They like their coffee strong here- I spent a while yesterday trying...

I actually slept ok. Drone Girl was sleeping in the same room, which I found oddly comforting. It's not like we're involved or anything, but I was happy that she was here and it seemed to relax me. Probably a lot to 'unpack' there, as they say on the Internet. I was woken up fairly early by a...

Pizza. It's not sitting well. I thought for a while it was the hygiene issues at the front, or maybe something in the local recipes, but I'm not sure now. I just can't eat actual food anymore without feeling ill and needing to visit a toilet rapidly and repeatedly. Maybe it's the gherkins. I...

I want to go home, but there is work to be done. What do I need to do to earn the right to say 'that's enough' and go home?

Drone Girl and I discovered that another member of the team has a deep and abiding hatred of My Chemical Romance. Naturally we have been randomly whistling Black Parade and Teenagers all day in his vicinity.

Ciaphas Cain: Choose Your Enemies. I love Cain. He's my 'spirit animal', as they say. Or 'mood kindred', rather. I'm going as him to Comic Con next year, assuming I'm alive by then.

My son would totally wear a monocle. It's a shame both his eyes are a bit rubbish; he'd need to wear two. One of our guys got RTU'd back to the recruitment centre last night. There were issues with his performance on the last mission- which was a surprise, given his supposed level of...