Search results

You came back last night. I smelled you. I hugged that shirt and cried myself to sleep because it doesn't smell like you anymore. But I woke up in the middle of the night and I smelled you, I smelled you as strong as if you were right there. I buried my face in that smell and I cried. I kissed...

Very tumultuous day today. Emotions are everywhere. I'm avoiding confronting the pain that I know is just lurking beneath the surface. I ended up doing absolutely nothing but lying on the couch watching movies. I just want him home. I just want to be with him again. I can't wait that long to...

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to go to sleep. Ever since I erased the Open Sessions on my FB security log, changed my password and log-in email (and reported the violation to FB!) my network has been screwy. It cuts out repeatedly and keeps asking me for log-in data even though I'm logged in already...

So this will be a bit of an angry rant session, I apologize to everyone. I am so triggered right now it's unbelievable. So last evening I posted on FB that I was getting a dog and that I wished Tin could be here to meet him and that he would have made a great "Da". I posted a pic of the dog...

I pick up the dog next weekend. He's very sedate, calm, just happy to sniff around explore a bit then lie down and stretch out on the floor. He's apparently very quiet, loves lounging but when we took him in the backyard he totally perked up. He was also pretty proud of himself coming up the...

I just love reading all of these suicide prevention pages where they repeatedly tell people that they "are needed in the world." I hate to say it but unless you're standing in the shoes of the person who is considering suicide, you can't make that statement, it's a ridiculous blanket appeasement...

Just keep smiling until she's gone tomorrow then I can break down. Then I can be me again. I don't know how many times I've tried not to burst into tears today. The sadness is needing to come out in those soul crushing howls again and I know she just won't understand. I'd just scare and worry...

I went to see my doc today and she gave me the biggest hug, almost made me cry. She's concerned because of my weight loss, I've dropped close to 20lbs on the past 4 months since I last saw her and apparently my blood pressure is unusually low. That might explain my fatigue. I didn't want to...

@amymarie, I remember my 22 birthday because my first thought was, "I'm officially older than my brother ever will be." (My brother died in a car crash when he was 21). I remember being sad about it but accepting that this is just how strange life was. With my husband's suicide, I can't accept...

@amymarie thank you for sharing that. The guilt of feeling that tiny bit better each day is so confusing; I want to be out of pain but it's like the pain won't let go of me. Each time I smile or laugh I'm reminded that I can't ever share with him why I'm happy, my "soul" can never be...

Rolled over several times to hug him last night. I spent the entire night dreaming about being with him, walking, holding hands, eating at a restaurant together. I can't remember a word he said just the sound of his voice, it was so comforting. His hand felt so real in mine. At the end of my...

If I could have prevented you from leaving the room that morning I would have. If I had known what was going through your thoughts, I would have changed them. I sat today listening to that call of the pipes, the beat of the drums and I did it in your honor. I did it because you meant...

"Tinny and I used to...." that's how I begin most stories now. That's how I relate to life. I'm exhausted, my sister allowed me to sleep for almost an hour on the couch today before we went out. I swear though, you know she wants to do something when, after you fall asleep (remember only 3...

It's 407am, I've been awake since just before 3am. I need sleep, at least more than 3 hours of it for once. I keep thinking of my husband. Tonight my sister and I were stopping in to a shopping area and as we turned down a parking aisle I said, "Can we not park here please?" I said it because...

I have a bit of a beef today, sorry. I repeatedly get people from a group of suicide survivors who say that their situation and mine are "exactly the same" when in actuality, they are not remotely similar. I say my husband was not diagnosed with any mental health issues and his death came out...

Sorry long winded there. I just wanted to add that I need a witness today. When I was coming home from grocery shopping a small compact purple vehicle came down my street, slowed in front of my house, rolled slowly past and stopped two doors down and sat with the car in reverse. I couldn't see...

I was reading through my old journal entries and I see just how much I complained about him in the months leading to his death and it makes me extremely guilty but interspersed in there are entries where I'm beside myself because the weather is bad and I'm so worried for him. I never voiced any...

I wanted to do some of the same things that we would have done during the summers. At first I wanted to go out camping and live by myself for a week but I can't do it due to the anxiety - he was indispensable there, he was the one who had my back and I had his, now there's no one there if I get...

The past few days have been hard. I was driving to the park today and passed by a police car pulled over on the shoulder of the parkway, I burst into tears shortly afterward because it reminded me of driving toward the park that day thinking he'd gone there - of course, why he'd go there by...

I have not been sleeping well for at least a week now. If I'm not tossing and turning all night, I'm waking up after only 3 hours of sleep. It's taking a toll. I'm very emotional. I'm crying every day even though I try not too. I went out for a hike with my new friend and her husband today...

So I got a little peeved about some lady posting on fb this morning about how angry she was with her husband for leaving her to raise her two kids on her own. She used bad words against him, like, B-tard and A-hole. I just hid the post because I really wanted to tell her off. He had his own...

My therapy session was like beating a dead horse today. I kinda get upset when people try to fill in the blanks of things you can't think of. My sister does that and I find it annoying, it's like just because I said that I had this relationship with my husband where we could totally anticipate...

My guts are being ripped out tonight, my soul is shredding again. I can't stand this pain. I can't. I am so damned sad, Christ, it's deeper than sad. It's unfathomable. Why couldn't you just stay? Why couldn't you have just come to me? Why couldn't you have just f-ing come back to bed with...

Went for another hour long hike tonight with my friend and her husband. He's a nice guy, we didn't talk much - he hikes way faster than we do, he's definitely in better shape than the two of us. My mother in law called when I got home. She actually let me speak about what my husband was going...

My friend didn't call for a hike tonight, but that's fine, it was super hot out today and we would have been dripping on a walk. I was doing more reading today about survivors of suicide and had some of the things I had been worried about justified. Apparently, it is very common to not be...