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I hate the lack of control over my mind, so much. It's distressing knowing I'm doing something that I am actually trying to fight against. And I hate it that my T knows how I'm doing even just by my breathing. I hate being watched and evaluated. Yes, I really do need to build more trust.

Abstract, I know what you mean about not even having to get to the trauma before dissociating. I feel like I'm dissociating before I even get in to T. And I struggle to stay grounded and then as soon as she mentions any trauma or abusers, I'm gone and I can't stop it. And then we spent 20+...

Gizmo, I think you are right, I don't feel safe and that probably is a huge issue for the dissociation. I do need to tell my T and my doc. Thank you :hug:

Hashi, I think some people can fully heal. And any amount of healing is positive and worth the struggle and the pain. I don't really know if I can fully heal or not, as I (and none of us) know what the future will bring. Right now, it feels now like I am beyond full healing. It feels like I...

(((((Gizmo)))))

I think there are many barriers to healing and they complicate the healing process. My inability to deal with the pain of my past and dissociating all the time is a huge problem. I can't talk about the worst stuff with my T and I can't start EMDR and I can't stop the dissociation. It's like my...

Thank you Kipra. I do know I am damaged beyond full repair, but will do what I can to gain as much healing as I can. Gizmo, I think is right, it is a choice to make as to how much healing we achieve.

Numb, empty. Only way to cope.

The process of coming out of complete denial, is very painful, very confusing and made me realise that everything I thought was wrong and a lie. What I wanted to believe about my parents, is a lie. What I wanted to believe about the trauma/abuse not affecting me, is a lie. What I wanted to...

I've given up on my faith. I can't go to Church anymore and keep hearing things I don't understand, that hurt so much and make things worse. I can't be a hypocrite and go to Church when I don't believe in what I hear. I will never understand why any big plan of God's, has to involve so much...

Jaret, thank you, you are very sweet :hug:

Thank you Gizmo :hug: I think I am grieving. It feels like I am dying inside, little by little, every week getting worse. I want to have hope, but any I had, has faded away. Maybe it's a process, something needed before the future can get better.

My whole life has been about guilt, shame and blame. I feel guilty for failing to be the kind of mother I was before the PTSD crash happened this year. I feel guilty my family are struggling financially as I can't work. I feel guilty I'm not the wife my husband thinks he deserves. I feel guilty...

I think this is particularly important. Throughout my childhood, I had no self. I was used by my mother to care for my younger siblings so she didn't have to. I was abused by my fathers friends - fulfilling their disgusting needs. My sisters both still to this day use me as a verbal punchbag, or...

I'm only on 37.5 mgs and the plan was to go up to up to 75mgs after 4 weeks. I feel worse on Efexor and really bad if I miss one. And my nightmares are worse on it. I will let you know if the nightmares improve when I come off it Innordinate.

PTSD has significantly impacted and impaired my social life and ability to interact in any social situation, with most activities avoided completely. I can't do any of the things I used to enjoy. I can barely function in my relationships as a mother and wife, let alone socialize.

It was always my dream to be a dancer. It's my passion and I was really good when I was younger. I'm too old now, but it's sill my very unrealistic dream. Dancing has always been an emotional release for me. And I would love to write an inspirational book.

Wow Bloom, I am very happy for you. Thank you for sharing this and I hope to be able to do this for my family one day too. It's good to know it is possible to get to this point and not affect our family permanently. Such a huge achievement! Did you buy a Build A Bear? :)

I think if you are unsure if you can handle this by yourself, maybe phoning your T is a good idea. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but want you to be safe and getting support of you need it. :hug:

If you know you need to reach out and get help, then you should call your T. If you know you handle this and keep yourself safe by having time by yourself, then that's good too.

I think it's awesome too, good on ya :)

Hugs ((((Ayesha)))). I'm really glad you didn't. I have only recently told my husband that I have thoughts like that too. I just want the pain to stop. I know how you feel.

fall

I admire your courage SOL :tup: I can't approach guys without having lots of alcohol inside me :rolleyes: Good for you I say!

I drink coffee, I have one of those capsule/pod machines. I drink 4 a day; 2 with caffeine, 2 without, to avoid too much caffeine which can make anxiety worse. I'm sorry you have to quit coffee :( I wish you luck.