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@aut555 sandblasted away...I like this reference. It's so freaking true. We start out with a bag of rainbows right?! Trauma sandblasts it away. Andddd there you are imagining unicorns, when really it's just a horse. That's how I view adulthood. What's left of us. So so true. I always wondered...

@She Cat yes...and yes. It's a long road to recovery isn't it?! The hardest part is I think really just accepting it all. Yes, this is the situation. I must get the help I need and really accept the today version of me. The good, bad, AND ugly.

Hi Peter. I think you're definitely right. It's a mix of anger, sadness, and confusion really. I've honestly never heard of EMDR or ketamine. I just read a bit about them, and it's very interesting. It seems ketamine really helps with suicide ideation but it's still new as far as research. I do...

Thank you Doris. I do understand exactly how you feel. Especially the part about being angry with yourself for constantly thinking. I know how this feels, believe me. Please know someone out there struggles the same, which means neither of us is alone. :)

I've been really staring this pain in the face. Really questioning why I've struggled with life. Especially with people. Truthfully, I've had a lot of really difficult experiences that probably built up to the ptsd version of me today. It wasn't one extreme thing, it was a bunch of small shitty...

@Lionheart777 I know exactly what you're talking about. It's manageable but sometimes it's like - really....REALLY? Let me juggle this thing while juggling these 20 things and oh a bear's running at me wooo hooooo! Drink some kind of alcohol, eat some chocolate, veg out to TV and say IDGAF...

@Lola Nocheprieta oh trust me, I understand your pain. I dread the monthly visit. Some times it does improve and is minimal pain but other times it's like - curl in a ball and cry. Diet has helped me a lot. It's like the lottery though - will this month be excruciating pain or tolerable...

Oh Lion!! I have diabetes too, epilepsy, and PCOS. It's stupid right?!!! I don't know which illness to manage right now dammit. I started a Paleo diet recently. And WOW my blood sugars are finally normal. You should reaaally look into this.

Thank you DharmaGirl. I'm feeling a litttlee better. It helps that tomorrow, I can eat my feelings. LoL :p I like your comment. The happy thoughts crap doesn't work for you either?!! It helps me to accept that at least on here, you all really understand and I won't be judged. Sometimes it feels...

You know Willy....YES!!!! I couldn't have said it better. I pray for that day too. It's no wonder why people are so messed up today. I've always felt that people LOVE pretending. Oh my fancy stuff. And look at my expensive car. Then inside, is a horrible sad mess. The whole Robin Williams...

I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was 21. I'm 32 now. Was healthy at the time...eating decent (not perfect) and running 3-5 miles daily. Two years later, started having seizures in college - I believe due to stress/finals and not sleeping adequately. Fast forward to now. I recently found...

LOL! IT SHOULD BE for sure! I think as long as you're not gouging yourself, chocolate is completely helpful. I think most of us here are especially affected by SAD - or maybe it makes our symptoms worse. It's easy to KNOW what you need to do, but when you're in the complete depressive state, you...

Thanks She Cat. :) I'm trying. Like you said, it's not easy. Do you think you're better than you once were? Or is it just something you have to be aware of to keep from taking things out on loved ones?

I think you are exactly right. Honestly, it's frustrating because everyone is so happy go lucky and more resilient than me (I guess is the word I'd use). It's frustrating because I try to explain what's wrong and I feel like they don't completely understand it. Like, oh just go for a walk and...

Oh YES, yes she is. One I wish I never met!! But here we are.

Hello and welcome Benjamin. I must first say...WOW. My jaw dropped reading your introduction. You have been through A LOT. The accident amputation and your friend loss and all the aftermath. I'm so sorry. My first thought honestly is that you're a very strong person. You're still here and asking...

I think you're right. I'm trying to find a doctor soon. Someone professional who can sort all this crap out. You know it's not right if you feel guilty after going off on someone. I tried everyone's advice today and walked away without blowing up. And screamed in a pillow. It's amazing how you...

I've accepted this. And realized the more you fight, the worse it is. I think you feel better when you can actually accept it.

Um....This is a little frustrating. I'm not judging anyone. I was feeling suicidal and wanted to vent my feelings. Maybe it's not rational so...sorry? I'm not judging anyone. I felt like no one cares and my life didn't matter. Yes in turmoil, my life feels unnecessary. I don't like being...

LOL! That is amazing MisterCatLady. I thought I was the only one who did that. It's really like baby talk. If my thoughts were vocal I'm sure I would get the strangest stares. I panic in large crowds when people just look at me. It's really bad. I have a range of thoughts like "they're judging...

I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend likes to go out to eat every Friday. It causes me such anxiety that I have to talk myself into going for the entire trip. Usually once we sit down, I'm fine but the build up is the worst anxiety feeling ever. I don't know if it will help, but I just...

Thank you everyone. Just reading your comments helps. I don't know if anyone kinda 'flies off the handles' in the same way but last night was bad. I started seeing a psychologist which helped. But I feel like I need an EXPERT. Someone on here said to find a trauma psychiatrist. When I get...

I feel suicidal. It's hard to say, but there it is. I've said it out loud somewhere for someone to read. I wonder if it's sad that I have to reach out on a forum for help instead of looking to my 'loved ones' to say - hey I feel terrible inside and want to die. I was diagnosed with PTSD about a...