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I feel your pain
I also was looking for family and my ex husband would have sex with me while I was sleeping and even anal and oral I would wake up with him in me and I would freak out
I was numb when we had sex I would tune it out and cringe being around him he tried to pimp me out to his...
My ex husband almost killed me and I was convinced he would be successful that memory won't go away and neither will the feeling
I ask for help but everyone misunderstands and bottle it back up