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All lawyers are c*nts and there is no death painful enough for them.

I f*cking hate therapists. Load of f*cking gobshites.

You, too? Fun times, huh?

Coffee and a doughnut. I'm leaning heavily into this 'sheriff' thing.

How quickly my mood turned around tonight because of a heartfelt smile and kind words from a certain person. I tried to kill myself earlier this evening. I got distracted by the smell of smoke- a familiar smell from my time as a firefighter; not nice smoke from a chimney or campfire, but the...

I'm thinking about Cake Girl. Because of course I am. I'm worried that I'm actually a crazy stalker. I was messaging her last week around midnight. She works nights and I asked her to check in my office for my misplaced pipe. She did and it wasn't there...but I'm worried that she may have...

0111. The city centre is dead. I'm in the mood to party until I fall down, but the people I was with called Endex at 2300. When did they all get old?

My best friend.

You guys. Everyone else already hates me.

The guilt is for wanting help. I'm supposed to help other people. Not being able to help myself and making demands on others' feels like an unforgivable transgression. I'm only allowed to relinquish control and allow myself to be helped if the injury happens in the service of someone else.-...

That's what I usually do. It's a rule I made myself- I have to earn help, you know? By helping other people, mostly. I haven't done enough yet. It's really hard to focus on typing just now because the guilt is turning to panic. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me for this.

I'm not supposed to need help. I'm supposed to be the one who turns up and makes everything better. I'm not supposed to let people see this or impose upon them with it.

What if I'm wrong about Cake Girl? What if she's just friendly and maybe a bit weird or just doesn't see things the same way because of cultural differences? She's not from here, after all. Can I survive the hurt of being rejected by someone to whom I've become so attached? Probably not...

No. I really don't think there's market for more of that sort of thing. A kid has an otherwise normal childhood then gets raped a bunch of times. It's not very exciting, is it? I am, however, writing a book that uses the many, many traumatic experiences of my adult life as an inspiration.

That's always the way, isn't it? I woke up on Monday feeling calm and it took until 1030 for absolute disaster to catch up with me. It's impossible to feel like it isn't targeted.

Coffee and doughnuts, fresh air and an understanding partner. I mean, she's having a bad time- mostly because of the poor behaviour of another officer- and I listened to her vent for nearly the whole shift, so it's only fair that I get a turn, right? I do understand, of course, that I'm older...

I'm a f*cking idiot. I started spiralling yesterday- about all sorts of things, but the one that really got me is my fear that Cake Girl is not actually interested in me romantically and that I've completely misunderstood her signals. With all the other shit going on in my life, that's the...

Looking at the state of my wrist, I think the phlebotomist just used a plastic straw.

I went to sleep at 0200 again last night. I got a nice lie in until 0700 for a change, though.

I suppose I do. On a real downer today. I'm exhausted after the allergy I mentioned got worse and ended in a hospital visit. My car is wrecked after an RTC so I have no transport. My boss was kind of an arsehole about it, given my 40+ mile commute. I had to had to get my dad to take two hours...

Nononononono.

Exhausted. I was panicking because of the storms and the fact that Cake Girl loves to go to the beach all the time and I've not heard from her. She just logged on to Facebook messenger though. She's alive, so maybe I can go to sleep now. It's 0230 and I've got work at 0700.

Jam sandwich and hot chocolate

My best friend. She's always my hero, these days.

I'm all over the place today. Last night shook me up a bit. I've been in the emergency services in one uniform or another for nearly half my life and I felt so useless last night at the hospital. People were coming in in need of medical assistance and I wasn't in a position to do anything. I...