Recent content by GypsyThatIWas

I so rarely feel any connection to anything. I feel stunted and in my own head. I don't notice when I experience pleasure or joy, so physical pain is the only thing I have left to feel. Grounding doesn't work. Meditation doesn't work. Exercise doesn't work. I feel void and shallow. I have no...

I don't think you're alone in that feeling of smallness--something my therapist recommends I remind myself during a panic attack is "I am in an adult body". It's common for victims of childhood abuse to have emotional flashbacks to those times when they were especially vulnerable.

Sundays

This is the truest thing anyone has ever said about me.

1.5 years. switched therapists last summer.

Thank you for this--it's very pragmatic yet encouraging. My first therapist (the one before this one) didn't point out the inward mindfulness would hurt more but it did, which is why I told her I was doing it even though I wasn't. She taught me grounding which is helpful sometimes. The thing is...

I nearly killed myself last Saturday. I felt really alone and no one wanted to talk to me except my abusive ex (and at least their manipulation is attention). I struggle to maintain a self-concept. I struggle to break through this giant plexiglass shield that has always surrounded me. I'm always...

Honey, You are loved. I know that will ring hollow and cliche and silly but you should know it. You should know you deserve love. Your emotions are real and legitimate and you deserve to be heard. You should never feel silenced. You should never feel isolated. Remind yourself of that as often...

Yeah, I will. The thing is I had done this constantly without really realizing it--I can't say when I started. Then, at the beginning of 2015, I started with a really great therapist who walked me through different awareness techniques to combat it. Then I stopped! It was great to realize how...

I run five miles a day and otherwise live rather healthily. Writing gets me out of it. So does eating (hence the running). Can you expand a bit on the metaphysical end? If I understand you correctly, you're suggesting I might be using my innate fear of death to highlight the parts of my life I...

Yeah, I have a therapist. Started with a new one over the summer but haven't brought up this particular facet. I guess your comparison to self injuring (a symptom Im well acquainted with) is apt. It blunts the edge of anxiety into the dullness of depression.

I should note that I've struggled with OCD for a while, but this feels dfferent. Whenever I'm depressed or angry at myself or feeling fat or stupid or ugly, I say to myself "kill yourself" over and over and over. Never out loud, though sometimes I mouth it. It oddly makes me feel "better", in...

I also like seeing myself as a victim but I don't know that it's a very healthy outlook--victimhood means I am deserving of pity (a hell of a drug) and absolved of responsibility for my own betterment. At least, when I take it to the extreme.

@Terry W I'll check my library, but thanks. I was raised by two addicts--my father on crack and my mother on opioids/alcohol--so needless to say I lack any real concept of what a healthy relationship looked like. Even worse is they both died when I was a teenager so I'm left with very little to...

This is a problem I have--I tend to try and think the best in people. I think that's why coming to understand that I was severely wrong--for years--makes it hard to not just trust others but trust my own judgement of others. It's enough to make me think I'll either be alone or in a cycle of...