Dae Compulsively And Constantly Tell Themselves To Kill Themselves?

[GypsyThatIWas]

I should note that I've struggled with OCD for a while, but this feels dfferent.

Whenever I'm depressed or angry at myself or feeling fat or stupid or ugly, I say to myself "kill yourself" over and over and over. Never out loud, though sometimes I mouth it. It oddly makes me feel "better", in that the suicidalization makes me stop worrying about whatever it was that brought me to that point.

Can anyone relate? And before anyone asks, yes, I do mindfulness meditation.

 

[BlueOrange]

Interesting, in this forum, the annoying question we always ask is "Got therapist?" (By the way, do you?) Mindfulness meditation can be harmful to some people with PTSD, depending on their skills and circumstances.

I can relate, threat and/or pain can focus the mind when nothing else works. I would, however, seek the help of a therapist to find a coping device that doesn't involve suicide or self harm.

 

[GypsyThatIWas]

Yeah, I have a therapist. Started with a new one over the summer but haven't brought up this particular facet.

I guess your comparison to self injuring (a symptom Im well acquainted with) is apt. It blunts the edge of anxiety into the dullness of depression.

 

[Jung in the JUNGle]

these death thoughts may not be so different from OCD rumination.

they are expressing a dissatisfaction with who you are now and often symbolise a desire to kill off the malignant parts of your unconscious. In this case blueorange is correct that you may just be going round and round on a initial thought that pops out of nowhere and it gets stuck in a rumination loop.

I would suggest doing something a bit more active like walking in the forest or swimming to give yourself a break from the loop.

what is happening in a metaphysical sense is that death is actually your ally. it teaches you what is important and you are accidentally triggering this though, i think you need to be careful as you could accidentally talk yourself into it. i refer here to the repetition like a mantra that will embed it in your unconscious.

I have done a lot of dangerous things in my life and cheating death really makes you appreciate life because it shows you what you have to loose.

I certainly think you could harness this in a more analytical way by using it to measure your depression,ie is what i am sad about worse than death? this has a strange re-calibration effect similar to what you are triggering without the embedded mantra risk.

 

[GypsyThatIWas]

I run five miles a day and otherwise live rather healthily. Writing gets me out of it. So does eating (hence the running).

Can you expand a bit on the metaphysical end? If I understand you correctly, you're suggesting I might be using my innate fear of death to highlight the parts of my life I am disappointed in or ashamed of?

 

[BlueOrange]

Yeah, I have a therapist. Started with a new one over the summer but haven't brought up this particular facet

Glad to hear you have a therapist!

Do you feel able to raise this subject with them?

 

[GypsyThatIWas]

Yeah, I will. The thing is I had done this constantly without really realizing it--I can't say when I started. Then, at the beginning of 2015, I started with a really great therapist who walked me through different awareness techniques to combat it. Then I stopped! It was great to realize how free I was of my own self-judgement.

Now it's started again and I feel like I've failed or relapsed in some way.

 

[BlueOrange]

Yeah, I've taken great satisfaction in saying to myself "I'm cured!" and then it has hurt a great deal when things have gone wrong.

Every time I climb out of the pothole, I learn a bit more about climbing, and a bit more about what potholes look like. I doubt that my life will ever be as smooth as I want it to be, but I'm getting more confident in my ability to travel the road.