Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

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I can handle pain. The cats and animals in general can handle change. It is so hard and that's okay

 

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Thankful for the time I've had with them today

 

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I am trying to stay resilient and positive

 

[littleoc]

I haven't received any new news. I'm confused about it and extremely stressed because I have no timeline and no real idea of what I'll do when it comes down to it still.

I tried getting a job, then got one, then was fired pretty much same day.

Realized I'm probably too disabled to work -- I did get on disability after all, which is notoriously difficult.

But now I'm flip flopped back to at least trying to work again. I don't want to be on disability my entire life. I also do want to.

Making 1000/mo is demeaning. New laws made my food stamps allow me about 2$/day in food. That's more than around 1 billion human beings make in a day.... So on some level, still thankful.

But I have some sort of hope I can save this house, though I don't like this house. But it has allowed me a type of stability I do appreciate. And would like to keep, if at all possible.

It scares me trying to work when I know I'm just not as better as I wanted to be. I hoped getting on disability would help. It has made things better in some ways, but much worse in others because the level of poverty required is so overwhelming and stressful.

I am okay with poverty. But I want my cats to have a life with me. And I want to try to keep my bird.

I am lucky in so many ways, and in those extact same ways, I feel doomed. I feel constantly overwhelmed and like every move I make will be the wrong choice.

I visited a Buddhist temple. Don't know if you'll ever be back @somerandomguy , no pressure. But understanding that I'll always want something, it helps. The meditation helped.

I want peace. I want to do hard work on earth and spiritually. It's really, really hard, especially with how overwhelmed and unwell I am.

I am hoping at this current moment I CAN work again, but this means I will be stuck with student loans again. But if within 5 years I still can't make work work, I guess I can stop and go back on disability and sacrifice everything.

It's upsetting. My little brother is homeless and living in the house with me, and for some reason chose a job that gives no income for months until he sells his first car. He chose this despite the circumstances. His car may actually seize up and die before he ever makes an income. He keeps leaving the kitchen dirty after he cooks. He gets aggressive when I talk about him paying some kind of rent.

It's scary to me. I honestly never wanted him to move in. I let him because my mom was planning it before she died. And I was worried about her health if he did move in. And now those worries are coming true for me. He does not seem to understand the severity of the situation, and if I say so, he says it's because I'm being incredibly unclear about what's going on. I genuinely don't know more, though. It's confusing and stressful.

If he makes a sale/s, I could stay on disability and have him pay money on the house. If be more willing to clean up after him in this case.

But I just don't know what's going to happen, and frankly have learned not to trust him.

It's weird. It feels bad. I feel so lost and overwhelmed, hopeless, helpless, and like there is no way to not lose my cats and bird. It's really hard.

Someone else recently bought a house on these forumns and though it sounds stressful, I cried reading about it. I want that. I want some kind of stability.

I don't deserve it more or less than anyone else. It's just.... How things have worked out.

I hope I can work. I hope if I can't I at least can figure things out.

I still want to become a physician assistant or doctor one day, but actual med students still tell me years later that it's not a likely route for me. I will likely still try though. But not today.

Hoping I even live long enough. I mean, an accident could happen that takes my life at any time, but I mean I am having suicidal thoughts all the time. Last month I just planned to go through with it, but for now I've decided to try to hold out, if only for loved ones. But it's been so hard. I lost my mom, I lost my service dog, I lost cats to old age, and then I was told I would love this house and probably everyone and everything in it. Or, that's how it felt to be told.

I'm so upset and so overwhelmed and so unclear on what's happening. I feel so hopeless. So will have to try SOMETHING.