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You all have given me quite a bit of food for thought, and I want to address some topics that were brought up regarding prior knowledge, intention, and consent. I agree it's possible neither of us knew what BDSM truly meant, and perhaps both of us were naive, but I think the true question...

As I've said multiple times, I should have asked for clarification and a safe word. What I did or did not do was due to negligence and ignorance. I take full responsibility for this. I'm not rejecting every single opinion that says I wasn't raped. I can see how from a different point of view...

Oh yes, this definitely counts as rape, at least in the US. According to US law, rape is a forcible, non-consensual act of vaginal or anal penetration with a penis, finger, or some other instrument. I don't know if the rules are different in Switzerland. Maybe you could look up your country's...

Unfortunately, it sounds like we had similar experiences. I too thought that it was my fault entirely for a long, long time for not questioning prior to agreeing. From what I've read from RAINN and other sites about sexual assault/rape, consent means enthusiastic and informed consent. That means...

I'm only human too, so I'm sorry if I sounded a bit irritable. It sounds like what your ex-husband did to you may also count as rape or sexual assault. It wasn't right for him to want to cause you pain during sex. That's not BDSM. That's abuse and rape. I had my own misconceptions about BDSM...

Yes, I do see a therapist, and she and I are trying to untangle this big mess. I've had consensual rough sex that involved me being pushed against a car, or slightly more aggressive maneuvers, but I felt safe during those instances to say no. I know what rough sex is and I enjoy it. But this...

I do have a question: Did you know fully beforehand what your husband was going to do to you? Did you know that he would "rape" you despite your protesting to stop? I thought the whole point of BDSM was informed consent about the fear and pain as part of the fantasy.

I can understand why you feel that he isn't to blame, because he honestly didn't know, but in my opinion, the person who initiates also has a responsibility to make sure both parties are on the same page, and to take even nonverbal communication--in this case pulling my head away from...

I can understand why you feel that he isn't to blame, because he honestly didn't know, but in my opinion, the person who initiates also has a responsibility to make sure both parties are on the same page, and to take even nonverbal communication--in this case pulling my head away from...

That's the thing, though: when you freaked out, your husband stopped. When I tried to pull myself away from him, he forced me back down again. I'm pretty sure that counts as coercion. As for the ability to say "no" or "stop," that gets very tricky. Someone is able to say "no" only if they feel...

I don't think my lack of memory was due to TBI. He certainly could have given me a concussion, but he knocked me into the wall just enough to shock me. I think I "forgot" it because I didn't want to believe he had hurt me like that.

I didn't even remember I had been raped about 5 months prior to this BDSM incident, so I acted as if I had no prior history of sexual assault. In retrospect, yes, it wasn't a good time to walk blindly into BDSM.

My first rape was when I got very nearly pass-out drunk, and a coworker of mine (birthday boy) led me up into the bedroom and made me perform oral sex on him, and then he had (painful) intercourse with me. I didn't have much of an idea what was going on, I was dizzy, and I couldn't even walk...

I certainly feel that accountability plays a role, and in various ways we both made mistakes. Like I said, I should have asked him for clarification and established rules. That was pure ignorance or negligence on my part. On his part, he should have made sure I fully understood what he meant...

Involves somewhat graphic descriptions of sexual acts. I'm wondering if an ex-boyfriend of mine raped or assaulted me 3 years ago. About 8 months into our relationship, he texted me, saying that he wanted to try BDSM, which had been a fantasy of his. He didn't mention anything specific about...