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I’m not bulletproof. I’ve been humbled. I hate to blame others but a lot of other people f*cked up bad and helped me to where I am. I’m gonna get out of this somehow. Fake people make me violently ill. I should have had kids. I’m still not %100 sure this won’t end in suicide. This...

Someone slowly caressing my arms.

Tim Horton’s Dark Roast K-Cups

My photography.

Financially functioning. Just enough to cover living and books. I don’t need anything else. A woman just as nuts as me. Silence and solitude so I can try to find peace for my hellish mind and spend my time reading and talking. I’m done with the career junkie, wifey and kids story. I’m too...

The Passing of an Illusion by Francois Furet. Very heavy history/polysci. Amazing writer but so erudite every paragraph is dense with info and insight. All of it amazing. Gonna need 2-3 reads to even remotely ingest in full.

Honestly? Try weed if that’s an option. Increase of appetite is one of its biggest positives.

Restless. Tense. But better now.

I have pretty damn good taste in music.

Crabby at first but I mellowed. The book I’m reading is reallly heavy and dense and exhausting me which makes me angry and triggers everything else of course. After this I’m reading some fluff for a bit.

Actually feeling sympathy for my mother. Good thing is she’ll destroy that by mid-week.

What pisses me off is that it goes from Halloween to Christmas likethat. Remembrance Day is ignored. I’m no soldier but I find that disgusting.

‘Little Child Runnin Wild’. Song by Curtis Mayfield.

I’m tired of it. I like it too much. But it works, which sucks. It makes me mellow and agreeable and love to laugh again. But I’m smoking everyday. I’m completely dependant on it. Total admission. I’m going the turk. Please wish me luck. Ya I know it’s just weed but for me it’s a problem.

Bored.

I like the idea of life being a fight in a philosophical sense of making yourself the best you can be against the odds, but PTSD has made going to the MALL into a cage match.

15°F. Damp. Patches of snow. Been windy as hell too. Only more reason to stay home.

Running into old coworkers makes you play nice for civility's sake, then after you feel like shit both for what they triggered and for making you act fake and insincere.

When technology either doesn’t do what I want or does something I didn’t command it to do. When it comes to electronics I’m a serial killer.

The news. The world is such an absurd and dark place right now. I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. It’s such a mess out there. I’ve decreased my news consumption 75% in the past few weeks. I don’t need the triggers. After a certain point it’s just masochistic.

Reading about communism and death is really f*cking heavy and wearing me down. But I’m too interested to stop lol. I love weed and it makes me happy and I wish I had started again on a reg basis before I started meds again two years ago. I’m too terrified of withdrawal now to stop Effexor...

Cheap pizza. But oh so good.

Slightly irritated but a bit better than usual. As long as I can read I’m ok. Once I get a bit distracted or bored I get escalated.

Good session with T Cherry Coke Zero Two awesome books I ordered on Amazon arrived. Not a bad day. Trying to savour it.

Very sensitive to smell, so the reeking guy on the bus has been haunting my nostrils all night. I f*cking hate public transportation. And smelly people.