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My EMDR therapist is working with me on grounding techniques all the time - thank God... I also signed up with a phone app for meditation... I've managed to meditate for the past week or so... I might have it all figured out right about the time I'm finished with all the flashbacks. ? I think...

I haven't been writing in a while because I've been a total mess since I last wrote. I kept thinking about the whole waterboarding thing after @TTC18 mentioned it... even mentioned it to my therapist, whose reaction was, "Yeah, I'd call it pretty much waterboarding"... And the next day had a...

It's funny that you were wishing you were Gay, and I was wishing I was Straight back then. I think it must have hurt, but since you knew you were straight, it might have actually made it a bit easier for you. I'm sure it was horrible and confusing, but you knew it wasn't true. When I got...

It's one of those days... When I wake up thinking about my abuse, and how it affected my life. Last night I had a flashback of my father physically abusing me. It's strange, all of my flashbacks used to only be about the sexual abuse. Lately, there's those, plus remembering getting beaten...

Yep... I still remember going to therapy and hearing the terms "designated patient" and "scapegoat" for the first time, and realizing that that's what I was growing up... I remember hating when we'd have dinner together, because I knew they'd sit around and blame me for anything and...

Other than being homophobic, racist person who protected her pedophile husband her whole life, who spent years calling me an idiot and disgusting for "choosing" to be Gay, and who didn't care that her 10 year old kid was on the streets (doing drugs, getting drunk and getting raped) pretty much...

I had to come up with a calm place I could picture in my mind in EMDR, and mine was floating on my back in the ocean near Hawaii... I can guarantee I wouldn't have said that years ago!

Thanks! It still amazes me when I look at pics from before... I guess anger at your abusers can help you take care of yourself.

This journey is taking me to places I never expected... I just, for the first time in my life worked out with a personal trainer. A couple of years ago, I learned how to swim. Water has always terrified me. When I was a kid, my mother would hold my head under running water to "wash my...

You might just have to try both to see which one you prefer. I started out with the immediate release, but I had to take it every 12 hours, and it seemed to always hit me like a ton of bricks. When I switched to sustained release, one pill laster 24 hours, and it felt "softer". I've been on...

I avoided that city I grew up in for years. Whenever I'd have to go back every few years, I'd find myself totally overwhelmed and wanting to run. I wouldn't even book a hotel there - I'd stay half an hour away. I'd always end up in front of the house I grew up (and got abused) in, just sitting...

I've been taking it for about 10 years... I tried every SSRI under the sun before that, and quickly realized that they made me gain a LOT of weight. After complaining constantly, I read about Wellbutrin, and decided to try it. It really helps me deal with life without side effects like weight...

I read that, and the fact it's still going on went right past me... I'm really sorry. You deserve better. I'm an expert in ignoring/deflecting/minimizing too... I don't have any advice to offer, but I totally get doing all of those :hug:

I've only been doing this day and night since September and I'm overwhelmed already. I can't imagine working 24/7 for 9 months. Although, just reading stuff you wrote gives me hope that I might make it through this stuff eventually... Thank god there are people like you on here who are...

I understand doing that completely... I've been great at finding ways not to deal with my stuff abuse... (Still working on saying it ?...) I managed to convince myself everything was fine even after I gained 100 pounds years ago. I'm sorry about having to go through what your daughter and...

That's really great info, thanks. For some reason I never thought about all the different groups. I guess I'm so busy trying to figure my abuse out that I barely think of anything else. When I'm not in the middle of one of my many crises, I've reading some of your blog @somerandomguy, and know...

I think I've felt every one of those in the past four months! I wish there was a way to see how long everyone has been dealing with their abuse. You're all so intelligent about this stuff! Then again, I'd probably compare myself to everyone else and find a way to insult myself for being...

Wait, other people feel that too? ? I guess my brain is turning back into an 8 year old's brain... Four months feels like such a long time. This has felt like the longest week of my life... It feels like four months on it's own! No wonder four months feels like an eternity. But yeah, when I...

I never thought of it that way... Sounds right to me, though! ? I'm still getting used to the whole PTSD thing... The first time my therapist mentioned it, I was floored... It explained so much of how I think and act. But I do need to give myself a break - Even though it feels like forever...

Good point. I guess saying I was so upset I felt like smashing walls doesn't mean I was going to smash him or destroy the place. I just don't really know how to explain when I feel anger - I've never allowed myself to even admit how angry I am... It's always someone else's fault - then I...

It's really good reading that you cried in the waiting room too... I thought it was just me. I'm not sure what looks more crazy, me sitting with tears pouring down my face in the waiting room, or me sitting with tears pouring down my face in the waiting room while wearing sunglasses at 5 in the...

I used to complain that I couldn’t cry. Now it’s never ending. My therapist seemed to think it was great too. Ugh

Yeah. That. If I can ignore my instincts, I can just pretend everything is fine. Of course, it blows up in my face half the time, but I keep doing it. Me too. I have enough mental stuff to deal with. I don’t really need to add on a broken nose or worse right now. ?

Last summer I went to the gym 5 days a week for months... and at the end of those 3 months, I realized that I'm not 20 any more, and I was just exhausting myself. I was just over-stressing my muscles. I'm in better shape than when I was 20, but I'm definitely not 20 any more... So I go 3 times...

Went to therapy last night... and spent at least half of it falling to pieces over pretty much everything. We talked about my feeling betrayed, and how it makes total sense, considering my childhood. Sometimes I wish I was just clueless... I watch for clues on people's faces or body language...