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So Chris Cornell's wife is blaming the Ativan he took for his death and saying it wasn't a suicide, it was an accident because he was under the influence. No one ever wants to believe their loved one would kill themselves. Unless someone can corroborate a finding of erotic asphyxiation, there...

Soundgarten frontman killed himself today. He was 52. I want to cry. Hubby was 52. He was ONLY 52. I still can't believe he's gone, it's still not real for me. Does it ever "become real" or do I just move on in some way? I think about this tragedy today and how many of the people who knew him...

Feeling a little better today. Did some writing about suicide and our internal states. I mean it's not better now that I've written about it but it just hurts less today. I kept busy. Doggy and I went walking. Doggy and I went for a drive. I did some shopping then came home and cleaned out...

I was bothered by a death scene on a tv show last night - huge trigger. I realized last night just how raw his death still is with me. Things that have been adding up, like my sister saying last week that he was weak and he gave up, "he was always giving up when things got hard". She didn't know...

So sad right now. Miss him so badly. I don't understand. I don't get how he could have done it. I still don't understand. It hurts so bad. It hurts sooooo bad right now. I can't stop crying. I want him here. I want him back in bed with me where he belongs. Why did he get out of bed that...

I woke from sleep with a start around 230am because I thought I heard the bedroom door open. I fully expected to see hubby walking around to his side of the bed. There was nothing. It was dark, the door was still shut and the dog was rolling around on his bed. I used to reach out and touch...

Tomorrow is my second birthday without him, it makes me so sad inside. I think tomorrow, after my sister leaves, I am going to spend the rest of the day in my bedroom hugging his shirt. He used to take me out for a steak dinner when he could on my birthday. As I got older, it was harder to...

I can try not too beat myself up but when that dark cloud moves over me, and it will keep moving over me for a long long time yet, I will start blaming myself for his death again. Such is the legacy of a suicide. I had therapy yesterday, my T tried to remove "empty" from me using ImTT. I'm not...

My sister comes back tomorrow and she's staying until my birthday. I got the "you'll get your birthday present after, when I have money." speech already, so I'm not expecting anything - essentially nothing has changed since my husband died; my birthday gifts never came on my birthday, there were...

The idea came to me today in the shower that at some point, it will make sense for me to remove his toothbrush, razor and soap from the shelf....but not yet. It was a very transient idea, but the idea WAS there nonetheless. When I thought about the reality of reaching out to toss his personal...

I was going to take the dog for a walk this morning and then call the vet when we got back but on our walk doggy had a massive, normal looking poop with bone pieces in it! He's passing the bone!!! I'm feeding him wet bread pieces with his meals (saw that on the Internet) and keeping a close...

I'm triggered. I'm overwhelmed with worry. It's been 32 hours since my dog swallowed a chicken leg whole, he's passed no bone or bone fragments. He's not behaving abnormally, he seems fine, his appetite is fine, no vomiting but two stools he's passed since were quite thin and mucus like. No...

I was scrolling through this thread re-reading some of the posts and was shocked at an add for a book called Love Yourself like your life depended on it (I think it's a book, I couldn't look too long). Anyway, the cover is a shadow figure with a gun to their head. It didn't sit well with me at...

I try not to look at photos of him. You know I've posted a photo of him on fb almost every single day since he died but I rarely sit and look at the photos of him. It makes me sad and confused and torn up inside. Even trying to remember the fun times in the photos, it just brings pain in my...

I dreamed about him last night. We were together for most of the time but I only remember one part, I was leaning against him, he had his arm over me like he used to when we'd be on the couch snuggled together. He was singing a song to me but he couldn't remember the next line, so I helped him...

Huge no-no's after a suicide that I have been told of are quips like, "I was killing myself laughing." or "So embarrassing, it made me want to kill myself." or "Uggh, wish he/she'd just kill themselves." and the biggest one, "Oh go jump off a bridge." The other day I was telling my sister a...

I'm one of the few who hasn't seen the "candid" talk about mental health online that the young royals did for the Heads Together organization, so I watched it this morning. They make some good points about how people should not be afraid to speak about issues that are causing them psychological...

I cried in public yesterday. My sister and I went shoe shopping. The cheapest place I've ever seen for quality shoes is called SAIL, a sporting goods store. Hubby and I went there all the time. He bought his guns there. Everything reminded me of him - like he was there in those camping supplies...

Wow autocorrect really messes up your highly emotional train of thought!! Grrrr.

My sister is here for two days. After she got here, I realized why my internet was $50 over cost last month. Apart from my using Netflix and my regular use of the Internet she is CONSTANTLY glued to her phone!!! I mean as constant as husband was before he died!! She essentially comes to visit my...

@desiderata310 Thank you, that makes more sense.

Now I think I'm going crazy - I swear I read two more post replies in here last evening but I open this up today to respond and they are not here...I Swear I read them, I swear. Uggh. Anyway, yesterday the dam broke inside me. It was all to do with the stupid online discussion about using the...

Cried my eyes out today while driving - almost had to pull over. I was shaking and sobbing wiping tears as best i could as they poured off of my chin. The reason? A song on the radio. A song my brother sang for us, me and hubby, at the funeral. The song was Five Days in May by Blue Rodeo. We had...

The worst thing about being away from home? Coming home to a cold, empty and silent house. I opened that door and walked in to the realization that when I'm gone, there is no life left in this house. It wasn't really a welcoming relaxing feeling, it was merely a roof and shelter from the...

The weekend was disturbing to start, sometimes lonely, sometimes fun but perhaps most importantly, the last of the firsts without him. First time going back since the funeral. It wasn't a pilgrimage, I didn't spread any of his ashes and didn't make it to our remote camping area, it was...