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Welcome to the forum.

I am thankful that I have a bf who loves me and accepts me just as I am. I'm also thankful for pumpkin muffins.

This! LawPhotos, I think you have a point. I have gone through years of healing and I think I am stronger for it. Maybe my perspective has changed more than the people who used to be in my life?

I spent the majority of my childhood being afraid of other kids at school. I had panic attacks during class (somehow managed to get excused to go the bathroom so I could breathe). I felt alienated, alone and different (still do). I think I've taught myself the basics of social interaction. I...

I also clean when I am stressed. I organize things when stressed (think Monk and symmetry). I just ate two warm homemade pumpkin muffins with a little bit of real butter. I plan to make banana muffins next.

Wow! Blue sparks NIKI? To answer the question: YES- I get zapped going into the car, bumping into things, etc. Sometimes (rarely), I'll see white sparks, but never blue. Maybe we all have really dry skin or are dehydrated...

Welcome to the forum Lizio. Read, write and release.

Fractured.

Probably. My mother denies anything was 'wrong' with her side. I grew up listening to her bash my father's side. I am pretty certain that he was abused and that it probably was passed down the line.

Happy Belated B-day Albatross! Dang, missed it by a minute!

Yes. Voices. Oh yeah. I've been developing another 'voice' over the years to combat them. Lots of stalemates.

I have problems with authority. I have problems being an authority figure, but I am getting used to it. I learned that to be 'in charge' is to be mean, nasty and controlling- I'm trying to change those thoughts. I still have issues with wanting to get into physical altercations with older...

You can't leave the house out of fear.

I've also had problems saying it with my current bf for a year or so. I used to say it easily in the past. I think it's related to time with my T. I don't know if it is common. I can only speak about my experience.

I think I've told her most of my history. I do have problems revealing current fears/phobias and the reason is embarrassing. I'm afraid that they will happen if I do- kind of an 'OCD' or 'CDO' thing... I think most of these fears are related to my trauma. I really want to get to a spot where I...

If I am at home, then I put my 'nervous energy' to work. I tend to go on cleaning sprees. I'll move furniture, dust, vacuum, wash floors, etc. I also dig in the dirt, weed, garden and let the energy leave me. I'll do it until sweat pours off my body- I don't really get tired.

Wow. This could explain why my mother did minimize most of it.

This too.

This.

All I know is that I remember from approximately age 4-5 to age 35ish- he has been violent, moody (depressed), destructive and just scary-as-hell to be around. He did start attending church later in life and that's when I started noticing the mellowing. It probably also helps that I no longer...

Hmm, I can't read it all now- triggering. Based on my reaction, I can only assume that she fits, at least part of, the bill. Maybe I'm still in denial. I mean, she's not like Joan Crawford.

I don't know. This has always been a sore subject for me (I think I'm still in a lot of denial about it because, yes, they can be 'nice' at times). My T suggested that he may have Borderline Personality Disorder as well as being a Narcissist (NPD). The only times he's 'toyed' with me were when...

So maybe he's just better at it? He did try to pick a fight with my mother at Easter, but it seemed lacking something. He still has the paranoia, the 'I'm God's gift to the world' attitude, all of that 'good' stuff- but the violence is missing. Maybe it's being manifested in other ways.

Yup. This is familiar to me as well. I think he pulled out one of his own teeth with a pair of pliers, drew his own blood, etc. Sorry, not trying to compete (hmm), but BOY, does this stuff sound familiar! It's just weird when the insanity stops (for the most part).

Well, now I would fight back a lot more, but I would feel bad. Sometimes he's just pitiful. He's not the same monster he used to be...