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I'm exhausted. I have spent all day battling to keep myself present and I am too tired to care anymore. The hyper-vigilance is too much, I am so fed up of reacting to every sound and movement. I just want to relax. I have thought about calling for help but every time I try I hang up. I even cut...

@Echo The doctor I saw yesterday is a trauma specialist so I feel I have already landed on my feet. He may assess me as requiring different support but I doubt it. They are actually the local veterans support. I guess I am lucky, I must be in a good county. We'll find out Tuesday whether it...

@equestrian4life I rub my wrists when I am anxious, mostly my right one. I hadn't noticed I was doing it until someone pointed it out to me but like you, I now have very sore patches of skin. My friend who noticed has helped me to work out when I do it by pointing it out to me and helping me...

I love this song.

@Echo Thank you. He implied it would be a fairly quick process. The first stage would be a six week group course to learn grounding exercises then once I'd done that we would move on to one to one therapy. That is all providing they feel I can cope with it. Given that I dissociated every time...

One pill to make me normal, One pill to keep me sane, One pill to help me start to be me again, One pill to stop the hurting, One pill to lower the fear, One pill to help me hold on and stay present here, One pill to keep me going, One pill when I'm depressed, One pill to hide the thoughts...

I made it. I did it. I had several flash backs during the meeting and my anxiety and hyper vigilance were through the roof. The doctor was really nice and I felt so bad that I jumped every time he moved or spoke and did not manage eye contact. He has given me some grounding exercises to use...

@Echo I think I might be able to manage broad brushstrokes, just about. I will hold on to that. Brain isn't here this morning. Going to throw myself in to work and hope it helps. Today's aim: Make it to and through my appointment.

I made it through the day though I keep zoning out. I missed whole conversations in the staff room and struggled to keep track of everything going on. I have filled in the questionnaire. I have tried to be as honest as possible although it was incredibly hard to fill it in and not deny a lot...

My friend came round last night. We had an ok evening but I kept zoning. She noticed and talked me back but then that flashback that I have been building up to hit me, right in front of her. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. She says I wasn't violent just very scared. I messaged her this...

Hi Chris. Welcome to the forum, hope you like it here.

@Notsowild I have come to accept Autopilot as a part of me I need right now to cope. I am glad you are able to work :) My referral is through the NHS so I am not paying for it but you are right it means more of that first hour will be spent on what it needs to be spent on. My today's aim came...

Autopilot, it's becoming a good friend of mine. The part of me that takes over when my mind needs a break. It used to step in occasionally making the more mundane tasks pass quicker but these days it is in greater demand. It can do many things from cleaning the dog kennels to holding brief...

@Echo I have no one to take with me as all my friends and family are at work. The doctor sounded really nice on the phone and it does say on the paperwork that they do not discuss your trauma in depth. Just going in there is going to be difficult enough without a stranger trying to find out what...

Busy busy day today. Loads going on at work, lots of phone calls and things to reply to in between animal care tasks but I did get most of it done before leaving for the doctors. I succeeded in my aim and briefly made eye contact with her, I also told her how bad this week has been. She has...

@Echo Thank you, this is one of my favourite songs when I am feeling down. She really does have an amazing voice. I really like that album. Think I have a music choice for poo picking today! @Hope4Now Great thread!

@Echo Maybe you should come over and deal with our feral :D I prefer the tablets in food method but sadly he needs weighing before I can dose him and a thorough health check. He's not too bad once you get hold of him but in order to do that I have to be shut in a poorly lit confined space with a...

Up early this morning, can't sleep but can't focus on anything either. The dogs are happy though because they have already been walked. Can't seem to keep myself here this morning, this is the longest I have focused on something. I can't really afford to be like this today as I am running the...

@Echo I am sorry your appointment wasn't long enough. I hope you manage to get some relief and find yourself soon. Too much wormer for the cats just means more chances at getting it in them! I get the fun of worming one of the feral's tomorrow, I get the awful feeling I'm going to need to wear...

Thank you @Echo I have not shared this in 6 years. Gentle hugs appreciated.

Since Friday's flashback I have been writing a little bit every now and again about the incident it relates to. It has taken me all weekend and a lot of difficulty but I have written a small (although it might not seem small to others) account of it. I do not go in to too much detail about what...

I did some work for my friend/colleague because she wasn't well enough to do it herself. It allowed her to sit down rather than get up and move around and make herself worse. Just wish I could do more for her.

At the moment no. I just about manage a meal a day. I have lost so much weight I need to get a new belt. I really have to force food down.