Search results

God, that's awful Ben :/ but I know what you mean... Sometimes I'll get a "taste" (but it's not, it's half feeling/half taste) in the back of my throat that I used to get as a kid before I would throw up. One time I was driving home after therapy and it felt like someone stuck a needle in my...

Oh, and I've always tried to sabotage too, and have always been successful at it. I'm a little more cognitive of the fact I do that now. But I'm also really lucky that my fiance is really good at dealing with me in different states of mind. Have you done CBT? Do you currently see a therapist...

Holy crap, I'm going thru that right now. But it might be different? Let me explain briefly: My fiance might say something off-handedly that really means nothing to anyone else. Sometimes things that would not have triggered me a year ago, trigger me today. And vice versa. Talk about crazy, if...

I've been married twice. The first time I married "my father"- same hair and eye coloring, same birthday (!), alcohlic, verbally, physically abusive. The second time I married a guy who I perceived as "normal". In hindsight, I thought if I married him I would become "normal". But on to the sex...

Oh yes, I know what you mean... One time I was folding a pair of leggings on top of the dryer and the way I had the "legs" momentarily askew, triggered a flashback. Another time driving my son to school, he said something cute/funny, I turned to him to smile and simultaneously put my hand...

NICE!! Good job In my trauma diary I relate a time in therapy where we did "guided imagery", which as an aside I can never follow. I didn't hear my T's voice after her 2nd or 3rd sentence. I was sitting on the couch, little m on my lap. My dad barged into the room. Little m got up and kicked...

I choose to, and I dont. When it happens, it's not me, it's "Little Megyn" And Little Megyn is confused- it hurts and feels good at the same time Hence a CSA survivors' sexual dysfunction- over sexed, under sexed, frigid, impotent, transference, etc I do get what you are saying tho. "Ive" been...

Thanks buckaroo... I can see the processing part of it, but I cant yet see the trying to take control. My therapist tells me tho that I do need to take control, change the ending, etc. I feel like I'm victimizing myself, raping myself, wtf?! That's messed up. I hate that this is happening. It...

I've always berated myself for the way I handle myself in relationships, emotionally tho, not sexually. I can usually "perform" sexually cuz that's what I was taught. (Btw, please take this response with a grain of salt cuz I'm feeling very confused right now.) I got into this current...

Ugh, I responded on something you wrote to @i_wlll_recover I'm still getting used to this site and am also confusing some people with others. My response still stands altho I feel like I butt in :)

I feel exactly like this. I was comfortable with everything until recently. It's all the flashbacks and the "co-mingling" (fb's/masturbation/reenacting) I do on my own time that's messing with my head. The rest of want to say/what I'm thinking is too long to go into and I'm also getting...

I used to have a hard time only until recently. Now I love her and want to protect her. I want her to let go of the abuse and let me deal with it. My T suggested writing a conversation between adult me and little me. I like to write in a "stream of consciousness" fashion which enabled me to be...

Yes, I tend to think that most ppl in that community have been psychologically, sexually damaged in some way, but I also know Im projecting my reasons onto an entire community. Idk, it's confusing, while there can be .. eh, idk. I do know that I was watching something once and I literally saw...

Yep, the bdsm thing. God, idk, I was never a watcher of porn but now... I wouldn't be able to watch it with anyone else. It's ALWAYS been a trigger (my dad had lots of porn around, pictures were taken of me during abuse as a child, group sex). I watch it alone, have been for two years. In some...

Grieving for your mother might be more difficult as by societal standards she was your mother, you're "supposed to" love your parents (in a normal world) and really, her death is the final death of your abuse... like now you're totally free of the two main threats in your childhood. Plus, no...

I think it will pass, I mean you surpassed the toughest hardest part already, right? You never thought you'd be here, in this mindset today. I'm sorry to hear your mom passed, for the residual pain it's caused and triggers etc. I was getting better, or so I thought, no, I guess I was. Then my...

I'm glad you're, or were doing better than what I read today you felt so hopeless but I'm so glad you were able to climb out of that hole. I've researched cults like crazy. I read Helter Skelter at like 15 yrs old. I've read alot about Berg too. Did you watch Davida (?), his "grandsons" video...

I'm glad it has helped you because it has helped me too, knowing I'm not the only one. I get really scared because I'm getting married and I too am afraid my partner will think what we do in private is me reenacting? But I'm also afraid I AM reenacting with him, only in my mind, and that...

I believe you as well. I have memories of it, but I don't want to believe it and I tell myself I'm making it up because of all that 80s s@t@n!c p@n!c. I never talk about it, just a time or two with my therapist but I never call it that. I never even knew about it until I started researching...

Exactly. I replied the same in another thread about reenacting my abuse. I'll feel this trance come over me, which I only realized two days ago because of someone else's post, it's co-consciousness ? It's like my little one is out and I'm watching and can't stop what's happening. (The car...

"Exposed exposed..." rings true. I've always felt like that, since I was a kid. It's comforting, yet odd to me, we all experience the same symptoms.

I have done this as well, very recently. It scared me very much so, but I was also scared to disclose for fear of being hospitalized. I eventually emailed my therapist with some of the details, not all. I had to promise a few things, but it's gotten WAY better. I was def reenacting but found a...

Are you in therapy? It's good you are honest. In all my years in therapy I don't think I could ever admit how much my trauma defined/s me.

I have felt like you before, this period of wanting to die, knowing you're going to do it, not right now but some day. I went to a hospital and told them I was afraid I was going to hurt myself. They told me to sit and wait, for what, I can't remember. The waiting room was empty but for a woman...

I can identify with that. So much of me wants to be rid of this once and for all but a small portion wants it, almost needs it to be who I was/am, not who I was meant to be.