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It certainly does @Sweetpea76 . I just wish it was only “occasionally” I hit that rake! Thanks for your help. Not sure at the moment the changes feel totally great! But, the existence before was definitely not great either. So we will see how things progress from here. Right now I have no idea...

Yes I was the same as you for the first year of the relationship @Snowflakes , thinking love would “show her the way”. I guess if I’m honest with myself, even now when I know it’s simply never going to be that way, I still kind of hope. Yes I only found this website last week but have to say...

Sorry I think my humour has been lost somewhat in writing & has therefore taken all focus away from my original post & questions. I never for one second thought that there was any sort of quick fix. I am more than aware that this is for life. @The Albatross had used a little humour in her...

Dammit! I was really hoping for a quick fix here @The Albatross ! I’d pay good money for it! :joyful:

So it was Friday morning I started to try & manage situations differently with my sufferer. She had taken something I had said the night before, turned it into something else, got defensive about it & has since dug her heels in about her stance despite how unrealistic & illogical it is. I said...

Thank you @The Albatross . I’m not gonna pretend it sits easy with me feeling like I’m hated by someone I love, whether it’s for good reasons or not (I’ve been told on several occasions she hates me & as much as it’s only words & us men are meant to be oh so macho! It still hurts that she can...

It rings very familiar with me when you describe yourself as a threat to your partner because he has to trust you, and the finding the bad before letting you in. I find this particularly with my sufferer with me being a man, & she doesn’t trust men. I read a very good metaphor for this before...

Yes I guess so @Sweetpea76 . I’ve not heard anything for an entire day now. But, I think that’s the price I have to pay for my own sanity. And if that’s the way the things go, well, that’s the way things go I guess.

@Buttercup for the majority of instances I would say you're absolutely right, on this occasion tho the anger was a bit of a slower burn. It was more immediate tension rather than rage. Which is why initially I tried to explain & reason before the anger had a chance to sneak in. Tho even this...

Thank you @Sweetpea76 ! It does feel a little odd in a way, but definitely a lot better! Feel I’ve put a thicker skin on & it can’t touch me quite as much today! And I don’t feel like I’m losing myself to it. Whatever the outcome, that has to be better!

@Sweetpea76 you’re completely right & am trying to put this into practice now. How you describe your sufferer hits home; they’ve convinced themselves so much of your guilt about something that they are unable to move from that, no matter what the “evidence” it seems. Can I ask is this kind of...

Thank you @The Albatross . It’s so good to hear from a sufferer as well as other supporters to hear your take on things & your perspective. That’s so great to hear that you have been in a long term relationship where you both clearly were willing to put the work in. I’m sure it’s not always been...

Yes @The Albatross , the self fulfilling prophecy of it all is very difficult to witness. I recognised she was doing that from the moment we first met but back then I did not know exactly why or how deep the issues really lay. And being on the receiving end of that makes things so hard to...

Well after another week & a half of anger on my sufferers part & misery on both of our sides (spoken about in my post yesterday), we had kind of made up. I wasn’t 100% happy but I hadn’t accepted anything I wasn’t comfortable with & she was at least calmer & more receptive & we were trying to...

@scout86 my sufferers trauma happened in childhood so don’t think there will be that “before” time as such for her. This is obviously what she has learnt to do from quite early on (that’s on the information that I do know, because I only know some of the details of her trauma, I think things...

Thank you @Sweetpea76 , you are absolutely right. I did try saying things very much to that effect. I guess the hardship I’m having is to not be pulled in after that tho, defending myself against the accusations that follow. It’s not that I get involved in the arguing & fighting, it’s that I...

@scout86 i think you’re right. I show trust to my sufferer (or any partner I have ever had). If she was to screw up that trust & be unfaithful etc then my trust would be broken & I would be gone. Until she gives me solid reason to be suspicious tho then I will continue to show that faith. I...

Thank you @nowthisisme & @The Albatross , it’s really interesting & helpful to get your perspective on things as sufferers. @nowthisisme it sounds like you have been through very similar coping techniques in the past to what my sufferer is going through now. Can I ask, what in the end was your...

Starting to feel like I’ve got as much chance of playing at Carnegie Hall as managing all this!

Thank you all for your responses. It’s really good to get the different perspectives. I do think that like you say @nowthisisme that my sufferer has real difficulty with trust as a result of her trauma. Not only the abuse she has both witnessed & received but also just in general life. It’s...

Thank you @Cyberluddite for your reply. To be honest it’s very hard to know what else I can say or add to what you have said as it is very measured & absolutely right. Now if I could just find the magic formula for putting these ideas & practices into action then I would be a multi-millionaire!

Trying to cut a long story short, I live in Wales in the UK. Just over 4 years ago I made friends with some American students who were studying in the UK & I put them up for a night in my home to show them my hometown. It was a very random event but it was a lovely thing & I think they really...

[/USER] Thank you for sharing @dulcia. I am so sorry to hear things didn’t work out with your sufferer. And I am even more sorry to hear that things became physical. I hope you (& he) are both in better places now at least. Yes I have been aware from very early on that if she does something...

Thank you @EveHarrington for sharing. I am so sorry to hear that you are currently not with the man you love but equally I am pleased to hear you have begun your journey to a better place. Yes I guess admitting to ourselves that we may not be helping our loved ones (as much as we want to) &...

Ah yes, the theory over practice dilemma! I am completely new to this forum yet I feel I could probably advise someone in my situation far better than I can handle it myself! Yes I see what you’re saying about your example of boundaries. Again I guess it’s implementing them which is so much...