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This is me, too. I didn't know this existed. Does this happen at random times to you, or only when you are triggered?

Thank you :) It's good to know that...

I know... so many of us experience similar things. Strange about the misdiagnosis because I remember a doctor, a GP from my 20s who was highly inappropriate with me, perhaps grooming me because, well it doesn't matter now... anyways he told me I'd been sexually abused. Interesting that later on...

Me too, ie balance. No drugs or drinking. No sleeping around. Very little risk behaviors. I've come a long way but sometimes feel worse, lol... I guess "feel" is the key word there :) Is your story in trauma diaries? If I already read and/or commented, apologies. My memory is shot.

Maybe the abuse wasn't as prevalent after 10-11? Ie you didn't dissociate as much? I want to be present now too. Well, most of me does. The little girl part of me doesn't want to. She fights it and fights it. But yes, I've lost so much of my "life" due to my childhood. Even when I was in my 20s...

Yep, I do the same. Get in "position" and relive it all over again. The crying the whimpering, the thoughts "why are you doing this to me?" I'm sorry Lil Sam. It makes me sad to hear you do that. I've often been told we should have the same compassion for ourselves that we have for others..

I agree with that too. I know what im supposed to do when this happens but have only been able to do it once, which, hey, is a start. I def don't think things like I'm alone, etc, it's much more intense in that I'm really back there, back in time, being abused :/

Wow, I like that ALOT. It makes sooo much sense and I can absolutely see what that doctor is saying. I must read about that! Asap.

Now that you mention that, I usually, 99% of the time, put off writing/Journaling after a fb. Idk if it's because I'm embarrassed to even write it or if I don't want to trigger myself again, at that time? Cuz I know if I wait a cpl of hours, I WILL forget it ever happened. But yes, Journaling...

You're absolutely right. It's a way of processing memories, body memories. I think the catch, for me, is trying to be present and take control. Also, there are things I've reenacted in the past that I no longer do, or want to do, or am compelled to do so I imagine that's then been processed.

You are aware of alot of things going on in you, psychologically, which is a good thing. I know you would benefit so much from therapy. When you look for one don't just take the first therapist you come across, if possible. Try to have a short conversation on the phone with 2 or 3 and see who...

hmmm, I've done CBT, which was awesome. I know it doesn't help everyone but it helped me to hear the negative tape running in my head.

I'll have to check into Exposure Therapy, btw. Never heard of it before :)

Yes, that sounds right.. trying to regain control.. I didn't know tho that other ppl do it. You know how when you experience something shameful or bad or whatever, you think you're the only (sick) person that does it. Thank you for responding.. it really helps :)

Omg, that's it exactly. Reenacting until it's processed, until I'm enured to the memory. Looking at images repeatedly and as long as I can to test my limits, ie how long it takes me to break. I can see I've been doing this in diff forms my entire life- abusive men, drugs, alcohol, chaos- but...

I do that too, and DID do it- obsess over blank spaces. I too want the whole story, not just snippets. Logically I know that: 1. My mind will let me remember when I'm ready 2. The whole story, which I may never know, is not as important as the work I currently need to focus on, from being able...

Does anyone try to trigger themselves? I haven't had the courage yet to tell my therapist I do this- I know it's self defeating and emotionally harmful. In reflection, I think it's when I'm about to enter a short dissociative period (24-48 hrs). My dissociative periods are cyclical in that...

I can relate to alot of your post. Prior to therapy, thinking and then KNOWING I was molested, but by whom, etc I didn't know. I absolutely relate to the n*ppl thing, so much so that I can't type or say that word. It sounds dirty and gross and I feel like I want to jump out of my skin if anyone...

This is a perfect definition

If you mean from your childhood, I agree, it IS frustrating not having all the facts. What's even more pathetic is trying to get feedback, validation, elaboration from my mother. I remember FACTS from 5, 6, 7, 8 years old. I know part of it is sheer denial. For instance, my parents owned a...

I think she needs your feedback too, like you say. I think another reason any therapist might ask for feedback in this type of situation is so the T knows if WE are cognitive of our own dissociating... just a thought :)

I reread and wanted to add one more thing. Only in the last 2 years have I felt "pleasurable" sensations. To me they are as horrifying as the unpleasant sensations, if not moreso. I know, intellectually, that my body reacted normally, but ... idk, I guess they do that shit to mess with your...

In my experience, I had no recollection of the more horrific sexual abuse. I'd always remembered things like my father grabbing parts of my body as I'd walk past him, I always remembered him kissing me weird, but even then, at 25 yrs old, I didn't think it was sexual abuse. When confronted with...

I'm still working my way around this website, so when I wrote the above I hadn't read the entire thread. I don't notice that I've gone down the rabbit hole, as it were, until the end of it. In hindsight, I can see there's always a day or two of falling, a day or two down there and then I sort...

Hi there~ I'm new too. I like that there is tons of relatable content, something I dont find with people "in real life". I hope you find things that are helpful to you, and welcome :)