What Happened To Me?

[Miranda]

I apologize in advance, this is going to be a very long post. I just found this website and I feel so much relief. I know it's not quite like going to the therapist, but atleast here I can get everything off of my chest.

I don't even know where to start. My story is hardly traumatic at all compared to other heart reaching stories that I have read. But if you continue to read this, thank you.

I was raised in an good household up until 10 or so. My mom started doing drugs and becoming hard to live with, accusing my dad of cheating when my mom was really the one doing it. They yelled and had horrible fights everyday. I remember begging my dad to not kill my mom when he had her pinned to the wall above the toilet by her neck. Years went on and it got worse and worse, I had to take my little sisters outside to get away, stay at my friends house alot. But nothing other than fighting.

I also had horrible horrible nightmares my whole life. I had the same 4 nightmares over and over again, exactly the same each time, my whole life from as early as I can remember up until 16. They all involved being chased.

The nightmares have stopped, but I have flashbacks alot. And there are certain things that trigger me. And things I can't get out of my head that make me want to vomit.

Triggers: Nipple's being touched in anyway. Even when I take off my bra and it brushes against them, I feel as though I have just been molested.
I am married and even when my husband does this, it makes me feel like I am being molested. I get so sick to my stomach and people that have made me feel weird in the past pop up into my head. For example, I am a hairstylist. One of my clients would say very nasty and creepy things to me and one day he was caught masturbating under the cape while I cut his hair. His face pops into my head sometimes when I am having sex with my husband, or my sisters face will pop into my head, memories of my mom and dad having sex and it ruins everything and I feel sick. Why does this happen??

Flashbacks: One thing I know for sure happened to me when I was young. My girl cousin (by marriage) who was probably 17 when I was 12, touched my boobs and humped me until I threw her off the bed. This definitly bothered me at the time, but as an adult I am not affected by this, I realize it was hardly anything. So I dont think this is what is making me feel molested. HOWEVER. Deep....deep down in my soul. It's not an "I think" its more of a "I KNOW" I was molested. I don't know by who, or when. But I know it was more then just my cousin. But I can't figure it out. I feel like my brain is blocking it out. I have one flashback of my mom's cousins boyfriend, putting his hands up her daughters shirt at night. I can't remember if this is a dream, if I was looking at myself? Like he was molesting me? Or if it was her daughter? Or if I just made up the whole thing in my mind. I have absolutely no idea.

Other than that the only things that have happend to me are of course perverted boys at school trying to do things, my grandpa's brother always making me sit on his lap and giving me sexual looks, saying how beautiful I was and stuff. (I would always beg to go home when I heard he was comming over, I do wonder if he did soemthing to me that I don't remember, him and my mom's cousins boyfriend are my only suspects) , guys in public that give me sexual looks. I always cover up alot because I HATE when people look at me sexually. It, again, makes me feel molested.

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention, is when I was a kid I would play "house" with kids from school and, disgustingly, my sisters. We would all hump eachother (over clothes), kiss, nothing more. Probably normal hormonal things kids do...(I hope). Hearing my mom and dad have sex did f*ck me up though.

I didn't want to mention this, but I feel like I need to. I absolutely....absolutely f*cking hate my guts for this. I don't know what is wrong with me. But sometimes when I am having sex, I will think of things that recently happened, such as in my town a few months ago a man raped a little girl and did other horrible things to her I won't mention because I don't want people to know who I am talking about. Things like that will pop into my head and turn me on???? WHAT THE f*ck. Or my mom and dad having sex or my dad hurting my mom. I hate this so much you have no idea. It just pops into my head like I have no control, and when I think about it I try my hardest to push it out and think about something else. But then I think about my sister or the creepy guy and it just turns into this huge thing I can't stop! I am NOT attracted to my sister or that guy, nor do I like when people get raped or listening to to my parents have sex. I think it is all so so horrible but I can't control when it comes into my head. Those are the very LAST things I want to think about when having sex. I also get turned on when reading stories about people being molested and when that happens I just want to cut my vagina off because I DON'T KNOW WHY IT TURNS ME ON!! I do NOT want to be turned on by these things!

So my questions are:
Why do random people/horrible things pop into my head when I am having sex?

Was I molested? If I wasnt, why do even the littlest things make me feel "molested".

Why do I feel turned on when reading horrible stories of things that have happened. Rape/molestation.

My husband always hears me say "I feel molested". That's the only way I can describe it. It's like I've felt it before, like I know how it feels to be molested because I was.

If I had an idea of why these things happen I would feel alot better. But it drives me crazy that I can't figure it out. It's like I am keeping a deep dark secret from myself. I feel like a freak and like something is wrong with me. I don't want to feel this way and think of the things I do.

Something I forgot. Please don't judge me for this. When I am around a kid, only once in a while, I think "I could molest them right now". I do NOT want to do that. I think I need help. I disgust myself but the thoughts just come into my head. Things I would never....ever want to do. If someone feels the same way I do or thinks the same things, please let me know.

Thank you so much for reading. Any ideas you have i will greatly appriciate. I send love to you all and wish everyone healing from their pain. ♡

 

[hodge]

Welcome, Miranda. Yes, please do seek therapy. I can't diagnose you nor can anyone else online, but you clearly have been through some really troubling experiences and the fact that you can even have some of these thoughts is a red flag saying, yeah, get to therapy!!

And to a psychiatrist. I take clonidine for nightmares. I used to take Prazosin. They are both similar blood pressure medications which also have the effect of rendering nightmares largely unforgettable when you wake up. They're pretty amazing how they work.

Good luck, hon.

 

[joeylittle]

If I had an idea of why these things happen I would feel alot better. But it drives me crazy that I can't figure it out. It's like I am keeping a deep dark secret from myself. I feel like a freak and like something is wrong with me. I don't want to feel this way and think of the things I do.

You will be best off if you can work through these things with a therapist. You clearly have deep anxiety about these memories (the ones you do remember, and the ones that are fragmented) - so, right now, the 'why' doesn't matter. What matters is starting to work on the problem.

Thinking that if we can just figure out what happened, or why we think the way we do, that it will solve the problem - is very common, and also, very false. There's stuff in your past you need to work through. Maybe it's abuse (what happened with your older cousin was abuse), maybe it's bad memories and anxiety, maybe you have PTSD, maybe you have something else....there are too many variables.

A good therapist will help you sort through all this, as well as help you work past it, and put the past in the past so it's not intruding on your present all the time.

 

[VikVikViktorious]

Hi Miranda. I'm glad you found us! These are some real feelings you are experiencing- and I relate to many of them. I admire you for letting it all out- even those things you are most ashamed of. Those are the ones that bug is the MOST.

I encourage you to browse some of my other threads, I talk a lot about this stuff in my struggles. Literally for 6-9 months I was traumatized by the recurring vision of my getting an erection while a toddler niece of mine was bouncing in my lap. The guilt I felt had me contemplating suicide or turning myself in to prison- but neither option seemed right since I hadn't actually done anything to harm this girl! I was absolutely tormented.

Turns out the guilt I was feeling was tied into the repressed emotions I had due to my uncle having molested me growing up. For a good period of my adult life i contemplated if i was gay because I had so much trouble getting girls and I got an erection when uncle massaged me.

Mind you, I was terrified to seek therapy. With mandate reporting laws and yadda yadda my mind was dead set on suicide or prison. Nothing else was ever going to releive the guilt (at this point in time I was having similar thoughts when seeing kids, just so you know. It was aweful. I kept yelling, to my own brain, you're not a child molester!! Stop thinking that way!!)

Now I've been on Zoloft for 3 months and done therapy for 4 and I am finally feeling the effects of my heart rate going down, free of that guilt, and working on putting my life back together. I never thought being "touched" by my uncle would have such a profound effect on the outcome of my life, but now at 31 looking back, I have come to accept what has happened and try to move forward.

I now know why rape stories or stepsister porn and the like turn me on. But I'm also terrified to act on any sexual urges at all because I don't know the healthy boundary and when I've crossed it. But I am working through that, amongst many other things, with my therapist and I am accepting that it will take several more months I not years to rid my overall emotional anguish.

 

[Miranda]

Thank you both very much for your replies, and for not judging me. I have wanted to go to a therapist for a long time but have always put it off. I know no one can diagnose me on here, but I needed to get it off my chest. And see if maybe I am not the only one with these problems. That alone will give me a little peace!

 

[Miranda]

I am bawling my eyes out reading your post. I totally and completely understand. Especially about feeling so guilty for those thoughts, something you haven't even done! I relate to your post very much. Thank you so much I am so thankful for this site!!! I hope you find the peace you need.

 

[hodge]

You're very welcome, Miranda, and I just want to encourage you again to find a therapist. It can really help a lot. :hug:

 

[Miranda]

This post has also made me realize that my thoughts bother me the most. I always focused on who could have molested me and why I can't remember. But I realize that the thoughts I have bother me so, so much more deeply. I was just pushing them down and bottling it all up this whole time.

 

[Miranda]

You're very welcome, Miranda, and I just want to encourage you again to find a therapist. It can really he...

I will! I realize now it's a serious thing, not something to push to the side.

 

[EveHarrington]

Seeing a therapist is very important.

If you push it all down------lets just say it will all come out eventually, especially since things are so bad right now. It's much better to be pro-active now instead of gamble with your future. :hug: Well, especially since this is the kind of disorder where when things go wrong, they can go very, very wrong and people can really lose a lot.

 

[Megyn]

I apologize in advance, this is going to be a very long post. I just found this website and I feel so m...

I can relate to alot of your post. Prior to therapy, thinking and then KNOWING I was molested, but by whom, etc I didn't know.

I absolutely relate to the n*ppl thing, so much so that I can't type or say that word. It sounds dirty and gross and I feel like I want to jump out of my skin if anyone touches them. I remember reading that a woman's uterus contracts when she breastfeeds and I was like, omg, that's an ORGASM and that's HORRIBLE and I'm NEVER going to breastfeed blah blah blah. I just want to curl into myself when I think of someone touching me there, and I too dress very conservatively. I hate when men look at my chest. I don't understand how some women can put it all out there without feeling naked. One time I was at a business lunch and a sales rep was "staring at my chest". I was SEETHING inside. I said something to him and he was like, you have lettuce in your hair.

I used to "play" awful things, with my brother, when we were little. We'd play "rape" and "doctor". And not "normal" doctor play.

The thoughts you have are called "intrusive thoughts". They are strange, bothersome, inconvenient, they happen whether you want them or not. I was driving my son to school one day and I put my hand on his leg cuz he said something funny and BAM. Intrusive thoughts, flashback...

There's more, but yes, you should see a therapist. It will help you with anxiety, any depression you might be feeling and just talking about it. I also suggest keeping a journal in the meantime and going forward. Getting those thoughts out is sooo helpful. And talking to ppl who have had the same or similar experiences help you to know you are NOT crazy, not bad, not alone. The fact that you recognize the thoughts as not "normal", that they upset you, that you want help is a good thing- it means you don't lack empathy, you have a moral code, not a sociopath...

Good luck Miranda... BEST of luck You're not alone.

 

[Miranda1]

I can relate to alot of your post. Prior to therapy, thinking and then KNOWING I was molested, but by who...

Thank you so much for sharing that. Last night I was reading these comments and other peoples posts to my husband while crying, and he was like see I told you lots of people have these problems your not the only one! He has seen a therapist before for depression, but his bad thoughts are a completely different subject from my bad thoughts. So I we can't relate a whole lot on that level. And its not like I want to go around asking my friends if they think these things too! So yes, it feels so great to put it on this site and know that others have problems just like I do! (I do have a friend that was molested as a child, and she has the same problem with her n*pples being touched)