Would you want to know what happened to you if you had the choice and means?

[Midnightmoon]

I have seldom memories of childhood and what resulted in me being removed from one parent and nearly removed from the other. In the past few months I'm getting random flashbacks of tiny snippets of things with no context, and part of me is desperate to know more and fill in the blanks, and another wants it all to be forgotten. I was more than old enough to in theory remember some of what happened and it was over a time period of years, but there is nothing. I can join some sketchy dots together to attempt to make a hypothesis, but I don't like the answers I get.

I have a DID diagnosis as well as CPTSD so there is chance that parts of me hold more info than I currently have access to. I am not very good at accepting engagement with parts so communication between is limited/ nil.

I have a big need to prove I'm fine, and I know some of the pull to find out is to prove to myself nothing happened and I'm being dramatic. From a logical perspective, I know that being removed from a parent isn't a result of nothing. There is also a fear I've lied, implied or generally led some poor social workers to the wrong conclusion.

I'm looking into requesting my court files, I have this deep need to know along with an anxiety about what knowing might do to me. I also know that whatever is written might not be the full picture, it'll be predominantly other people's assessments of me and the situation as supposed to anything I've directly said I think. But it feels like there is a magic answer out there and it's such an obvious solution to know so then I can deal with it?

Would you want to know, if you had no memory and a way of finding out?

 

[No More]

I did literally this. It had its pros and cons for me.
The first lot of information they gave was sent via secure file, and the second they said I had to come in & have someone go through with me because of the content. Be warned also unless you persue it via a legal avenue vs just requesting your files there may be heavy redactions.

In my stupidity, I was like oh yeah it’ll be fine, nothing to see here. I was warned twice over the phone by a very kind lady that I might want someone with me. Well I ploughed straight into the first lot and it went about as well as anyone with half a brain cell could have expected. Spectacular breakdown.

And then I found, oddly, I didn’t need to see the second part. I didn’t need to know the details. The first confirmed my ‘feelings’ and then I trusted they were right from then on.

I’d do it again but very differently. I think for some people going through with their therapist would be the right thing to do. I think for me, the right thing would have been to read them while my best bud was around me. I suspect it would have ended differently if I could have had a takeaway with my mate, cried at a dog movie and had someone not letting my mind fixate on it.

I would very strongly advise that you do not read them alone, with no support system. That’s a terrible idea and 0/10 recommend.

 

[Sideways]

Most of us with horrible child abuse never get to know.

Are my flashbacks anything like reality?
Even if they are true, how do they link together?
What the fk is my story?

Most importantly, for me? Why the fk am I seemingly so damn disabled by this?

Short answer? Yes. I wouldn’t just want to know, I’d need to know. Any version that’s out there is my story, and I need (desperately) to heal from it.

There are people in my life that I’ve asked, and they’ve refused to give me details. My relationship with those people was never the same.

But…having been given access to my medical records (in a number of ways, from a number of institutions), I can’t agree with @No More more. Do not read them alone. Book a time.

I’ve read medical records alone.
I’ve read medical records with my T in the room.
I’ve read medical records after my T read them, and shortly prior to an appointment with my T specifically to go over the records.

The options that involved my T were infinitely better. In countless, critical ways.

I have a big need to prove I'm fine, and I know some of the pull to find out is to prove to myself nothing happened and I'm being dramatic.

Ignore this fear! It has nothing to do with hard evidence or logic, it’s a core belief you have that there is very likely no quick fix for. It has persisted in the face of cold hard evidence up till now, one more piece of evidence will, most likely, not upend it entirely in one go.

Having said that…it will help with your dysfunctional core belief. Evidence and objectivity is an important part of how we chip away at them. Bit by bit.

There’s other reasons why you might decide to do this, for example:

• Behaving like it matters is a way to help our brain understand that maybe we do matter (behavioural activation)
• It may have unanticipated consequences - for example, I know people who have been confronted with files and finally, after decades of very progress with their symptoms, were finally able to understand that it was past, not present, which made a massive difference with their recovery trajectory
• For parts that you’ve struggled to connect with and feel compassion for, this could open up a way for you to understand them, and so stop struggling with them

 

[Midnightmoon]

Be warned also unless you persue it via a legal avenue vs just requesting your files there may be heavy redactions.

(Nice to see you @No More ) Very good point that I had forgotten, of course. I was going to do it independently as I have no brain power to deal with legal people at the min too but maybe it wouldn't contain what I needed to know anyway

was like oh yeah it’ll be fine, nothing to see here. I was warned twice over the phone by a very kind lady that I might want someone with me. Well I ploughed straight into the first lot and it went about as well as anyone with half a brain cell could have expected. Spectacular breakdown.

Not stupid, me and my brain are after doing exactly the same thing (just hopefully minus the breakdown at the end)! Some parts of me must have a level of understanding that it's not a brilliant idea to plough head first because if I wanted to I could read it in media archives. Obvs wouldn't tell the whole story but would give me the headlines. Not once have I googled it...which I guess tells me something.

And then I found, oddly, I didn’t need to see the second part. I didn’t need to know the details. The first confirmed my ‘feelings’ and then I trusted they were right from then on.

This is huge and I think where I hope I'd like my brain to get to, I'm just so sorry you had to go through hell and back to get to that place. At the minute my brain is full of trying to make sense of tiny bits of nothing and I almost want to flood it with info to basically shut up the constant replay of things that make no sense.

Are my flashbacks anything like reality?
Even if they are true, how do they link together?
What the fk is my story?

Most importantly, for me? Why the fk am I seemingly so damn disabled by this?

Short answer? Yes. I wouldn’t just want to know, I’d need to know. Any version that’s out there is my story, and I need (desperately) to heal from it.

Yes, yes yes ALL of these. It's giving some sort of meaning to why an earth I've ended up where I am. This is usually where a bit of me jumps in and goes 'cause your an idiot' but there is another pull to for the first time ever to actually look at another option. Tolerating trauma is still a very much early stage process for me and I guess if I read it, if I knew, would I be able to manage that acceptance better.

has persisted in the face of cold hard evidence up till now, one more piece of evidence will, most likely, not upend it entirely in one go.

Yup, and I think again in some ways I know that I could be shown a full scale motion picture of exactly what happened month by month and I'd still, still say it was a ridiculous overreaction on my part.

would very strongly advise that you do not read them alone, with no support system. That’s a terrible idea and 0/10 recommend.

Do not read them alone. Book a time.

Ok, understood loud and clear. Thanks both

 

[No More]

I was going to do it independently as I have no brain power to deal with legal people at the min too but maybe it wouldn't contain what I needed to know anyway

You are probably going to be able to get a good idea of things. It depends on what’s in them but likely names as an absolute minimum will be redacted unless in the public domain.

Not stupid, me and my brain are after doing exactly the same thing (just hopefully minus the breakdown at the end)! Some parts of me must have a level of understanding that it's not a brilliant idea to plough head first because if I wanted to I could read it in media archives. Obvs wouldn't tell the whole story but would give me the headlines. Not once have I googled it...which I guess tells me something.

Yea, I was very minimise it all away or, choose not to know. Not to look at it, stuff it all away in a box deep down never ever open it. Once you are confronted with it in print you lose the ability to do that.

This is huge and I think where I hope I'd like my brain to get to, I'm just so sorry you had to go through hell and back to get to that place

It’s kind of a okay brain, you weren’t making it up. I don’t need to see to know anymore? Don’t be sorry - I’m very okay with things now. If I could do it again, I’d do it differently. But I can’t, so the next best thing is to pass the knowledge to someone else in the hope that they can use it for a better outcome - a lesser spectacular breakdown

It may have unanticipated consequences

On this note, my totally unanticipated outcome was that at the time and looking back, I felt totally alone.
Looking at the files, I definitely was not. I had one person in particular who I could tell had done her damndest. Every t was crossed, i’s dotted. She made people sign statements - all the paperwork and reports she’d made sure they’d stand up legally and they’d be no confusion or retraction. She’d very very clearly been hardcore in my corner. That was nice. And a reality check. Because present me was also like aaaaalllloone. And then I took a big ol’ look around and was like - ah ya idiot.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I would, yes. Part of it is for validation, which is sad because I know the traumatised response is the validation/verification of something bad happening. Other part is that it’s personal information… avoidance is common to protect yourself, but also knowing your own personal history feels important.

If someone did something bad to me and (hypothetically) removed or obscured my memory of it, that would be very upsetting because I of all people should know what happens to Me, especially when it’s something that should not have happened… why does the perp get to know but I don’t? Similar deal for memories which have been hidden, not formed, or revoked due to trauma.

Maybe there’s an aspect of them “getting away with it”, when you don’t know. Feels like that, maybe.


The CSA I have no memory of, I have a mixed view on knowing exactly what happened. On one hand new information frightens me, because it feels threatening to me for parts that are very connected to it to know. On the other I’m indifferent, but not opposed to information, because I don’t have the perspective that it’s “my” trauma, and there is a sense of security in knowing and having information overall. I don’t feel like I need to know, but knowing could be useful/reassuring.
B, on the other hand, is desperate to know, because the validity of the idea of trauma and alters is dependent on “how bad” the content of these lost memories are.

 

[arfie]

Would you want to know, if you had no memory and a way of finding out?

in my case, this is not a rhetorical question. i started psychotherapy in the early 70's with full trauma induced amnesia. i had blocked memory of my entire childhood. my birth family mantra was, "forgive and forget," and i took it to extremes. it took me another decade or so to figure out why my shrinks kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. i couldn't remember my childhood but i knew my birth family well enough to believe that forgetting was a good thing. forgiving? who needs to forgive what you can forget? i was out to create a me i wanted to be and did well enough to establish a business and family. by the mid 80's, my flashbacks, nightmares, etc., were blowing down my house of cards. as predicted by those shrinks who kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. trauma memories can distort far enough that my recovery required enough research to help sort fact from delusion.

fast forward to your question here in 2025 and i believe that even in my most amnesiac stages, i already knew. i only needed the wisdom and courage to face my personal truths. just believing. proof irrelevant.

 

[Midnightmoon]

on the other hand, is desperate to know, because the validity of the idea of trauma and alters is dependent on “how bad” the content of these lost memories are.

Yes, really really recognise this in my own make up too. I also know no matter how awful, it will never be awful enough for some of me, it will always be pathetic, I will always be a liar

in my most amnesiac stages, i already knew. i only needed the wisdom and courage to face my personal truths. just believing. proof irrelevant.

Heavily recognise this too. It's like part of me knows, but the rest of me is refusing to think about it because I don't know know, it's more of a sense. I don't know how to describe it but it's *there* and I almost need it in black and white so I know I'm not going (any more) insane

Thanks all, it helps. I asked partially because I raised it in an appointment and was told not yet, it wouldn't be safe for me. Maybe it's more about making it safer rather than the act of reading it not being safe all together

 

[arfie]

It's like part of me knows, but the rest of me is refusing to think about it because I don't know know, it's more of a sense.

i don't care to do the research, but i'll bet i wrote this very line during my early recovery. these days i call ^it^, "a repressed memory." it's been about 40 years since i started embracing my amnesia therapy and the memory blocks are still coming down. the good news is that the newer memories seem to be about the beautiful gems which were buried in the mindslides of the trauma. i have come to call it, "mining for gems." they are worth the rescue operations.

I don't know how to describe it but it's *there* and I almost need it in black and white so I know I'm not going (any more) insane

my therapy journal was the black and white which helped me find the words for ^it^. ^it^ remains mega hard to describe. i am multi-lingual and find translating from ^it^ to words is much, much harder than translating between spoken languages.

 

[Friday]

Would you want to know, if you had no memory and a way of finding out?

Speaking as someone who was an adult for all of their trauma, with near perfect recall? Probably not.

Speaking as someone who has had some significant blackouts? Of course. I ALWAYS not only want to know, but have tracked down every single last snippet of info I can find. Sometimes? I feel better for it. More often I’m sick as hell over it, and wished I didn’t know.

But even DURING my trauma-years? When I knew EXACTLY what I’d find, following my nose, to the fetid stink of death? I was still compelled to get eyes on. To confirm what I already knew. I envied sooooooo many people who could simply shrug, and say “bodies, what else would it be, don’t need to see any I don’t have to”. I never fully understood what I expected to find. SOMETHING? IDFK. Some reason, explanation, clue, useful whatever. That never happened. Just more bloated and decaying death, that helped me in what I needed to be doing not one bit. Each time? I knew that. Knew it in my bones, that there was nothing… useful… there. Just more nightmare fuel. More stink. Uselessness. But? I guess I’m an optimist. Or have poor impulse control. I couldn’t stop myself from getting eyes on. It was there. So I needed to know. Needed to see. And was willing to accept the -stupidly predictable- consequences of satisfying that hunger.

It’s not an uncommon impulse.
It’s not an uncommon regret.
It’s a f*cking unicorn, learning anything from it, or finding any use in it.

Unicorns are real. They happen.

 

[Charbella]

Would you want to know, if you had no memory and a way of finding out?

Yes. I know a TON and sometimes I wish I didn’t but the tiny parts missing big me as much as the big things that aren’t.

It’s like when you have a mouth sore and your tongue just cannot stop going over and over aggravating the spot. That thing that doesn’t fit or is missing (like when they pull a tooth) I’m drawn to it over and over. Knowing stuff helps to settle it. I think it’s why EMDR works for me. It sharpens the memory I do have and tends to fill in some of the blanks. It’s allows it to rest.

HOWEVER timing is EVERYTHING. 20 years ago I was NOT ready to fill in those gaps. Filling in those gaps would’ve led to all kinds of chaos. I’m not sure I would’ve made it.

Also be prepared for the records to not be that helpful. I requested mine from the one I prosecuted and I realize they are words on a paper. No one can document what you lived through and you were dealing with bureaucrats so they even less. Whatever the paper says will very likely trigger a cascade of memories which will then bring up more questions.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have seldom memories of childhood and what resulted in me being removed from one parent and nearly removed from the other. In the past few months I'm getting random flashbacks of tiny snippets of things with no context, and part of me is desperate to know more and fill in the blanks, and another wants it all to be forgotten. I was more than old enough to in theory remember some of what happened and it was over a time period of years, but there is nothing. I can join some sketchy dots together to attempt to make a hypothesis, but I don't like the answers I get.

I have a DID diagnosis as well as CPTSD so there is chance that parts of me hold more info than I currently have access to. I am not very good at accepting engagement with parts so communication between is limited/ nil.

I have a big need to prove I'm fine, and I know some of the pull to find out is to prove to myself nothing happened and I'm being dramatic. From a logical perspective, I know that being removed from a parent isn't a result of nothing. There is also a fear I've lied, implied or generally led some poor social workers to the wrong conclusion.

I'm looking into requesting my court files, I have this deep need to know along with an anxiety about what knowing might do to me. I also know that whatever is written might not be the full picture, it'll be predominantly other people's assessments of me and the situation as supposed to anything I've directly said I think. But it feels like there is a magic answer out there and it's such an obvious solution to know so then I can deal with it?

Would you want to know, if you had no memory and a way of finding out?

This all sounds familiar in terms of getting memories in snippets, having a diagnosis of DID, and wanting to prove that all is fine and nothing happened. I still want to prove that even though I am also beginning to accept the memories that I have gained through parts.

I think I would rather everything stayed hidden. I wish that my blocking part hadn't been overwhelmed and the bloackade crumbled. I would like to go back to just being anxious and not really understanding it.

I know I have learned a lot of good strategies and met sone great people because of my journey, but I would rather be able to function at the level I did before the trauma memories and parts came tumblinb out.