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I survived the past two days by laying low. I did minimal care for the dog, no super hikes or anything just enough of a walk to keep him from chewing his feet. I thought a lot about my husband. The confusion is what erodes me. What he did makes no sense. I can say "he's finally getting the...

I talked with my therapist last night, she wants me to call a crisis line today. I don't know if I will or if I will just go out all afternoon with the dog. Today is the 10 month anniversary of his suicide. I'm not happy today. I want the world to go away today. I want to be alone but at the...

Not to frighten anyone but sometimes I just want to die - I want everything to just fall into place and not need me to deal with it. I feel like a whining child. I feel like I'm pinned to the floor being made to deal with things I don't want to deal with. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm...

I was lying on the floor tonight, the same place where he and I were lying the night before he died. I was lying there and thinking about that night, how it seems so unreal that he's dead, how it seems like it was just yesterday we were lying there together. I could almost feel myself rubbing...

Obviously I'm not done yet today, the mind just keeps spinning. "I miss you." This is what I started saying to him about a year ago when he'd come home from work. "I miss you." There was so much more behind it that went unspoken and I guess he just thought I meant I missed him while he was...

I'm home. That's pretty much it. Silence other than the tv. When I used to come home before, he used to be happy to see me. He'd put aside whatever he was doing and he'd run to the front door to hug me and kiss me or doggy-hump my leg and lick my face. He'd tell me how much he missed me...

It's 300 days today. 300 days since he decided life wasn't worth living anymore. I was reading over my diary from the days leading up to his death - there's nothing to suggest anything was wrong. I wrote about laughing or something with him. I mean, 301 days ago he was smiling at me, laughing...

I always feel like a bad person for just not being grateful that my sister didn't walk away from me like everyone else but then she gets in her moods and suddenly I feel like I'm sitting at the bottom of a huge cave all alone and wanting to die. Then there are days when I don't want to go home...

I suck as a sister. Ordered an expensive but super crappy take-out meal from a local restaurant tonight. I'm made to feel stupid and have to hear about how the burgers were cheaper at another restaurant and she would have liked their food...after she suggested this restaurant!!!! All I...

I suck as a sister. Out of the goodness of my heart I booked us into a resort because my sister has been wanting "to get away". Of course I'm paying for it. So we get here, it's a pet friendly room in the basement. It's cold and she's complaining that she's going to get a bladder infection if...

Every time I wake up early in the morning I wonder, "Is this what time it was when he woke up that day?" I then lie in bed wondering, examining the light in the room, mentally comparing it to what I remember from that morning; is my mind seeing it wrong? Was it darker? Did I fall asleep again...

We woke up to snow today and areas south of us actually got it worse than we did. I immediately thought, "I hope he has a safe drive home from work this morning." I had to remind myself that he doesn't have to drive home in bad weather ever again. I got up, moved around a bit and kept thinking...

Long day today. At my sister's place. I hate to say it but I feel better being here, there's someone to talk too. There's no traffic noise. It's quiet and cozy. She almost made me cry today. We saw 4 mourning doves on a wire and she said, "Wow, I only ever see three of them; all the time I...

Horrible day today. Crying shortly after I woke up but just pushed on with my day. Got the added stuff for the lawyer and just read his reply that it's not enough, one of the files I sent he can't read....arrrrggh!!! I'm leaving first thing in the morning for my sister's place so I need to get...

Today was a bit of a better day, still tears coming through on occasion but I got all of my tasks done. The lawyer stuff got done (he now needs more, but I'll breathe and leave it to tomorrow), I took care of the dog and managed to get another big task done, foraging for my outdoor Christmas...

@scout86 thank you, I needed that. I took the day off but managed to drag myself out to the local park to get the dog walked - he's so happy on his walks he practically smiles, I couldn't deny him that. I figured the fresh air would do me good but I was still just as exhausted when I got home...

I just had a whirlwind specialists appointment for my diabetes, went to get some groceries, come home to find the lawyer needs me to get a few things done (like yesterday), and I am completely drained of energy right now. The dog still needs a walk and all I want to do is crawl into bed and...

I cried a few times today. This morning the dog got me up at 6am but as soon as he toilets and eats he goes straight back to bed, leaving me to sit up half awake but unable to go back to sleep. I was sitting curled up on the couch watching television when the phone started beeping on the...

I'm missing him a lot today. I just want him to come home, just please come home and tell me it was all a ruse. Tell me his life was in danger and they needed to protect him. Just tell me that he's still alive and he's safe and I don't have to worry about anything again. I drove by the street...

I took the dog for a long hour and a half hike today in the park where my husband and I used to go all the time. I talked to him (my husband) as we hiked. I pointed out areas to the dog on the hike where husband and I had either done something or come across something. I apologized to my...

Thanks for that @scout86, I still have yet to "experience" him outside of the house, but I haven't stopped looking for him. My hubby loved his couch, my cousin always called him "house cat" so I hope he will come with me if I ever decide to leave. Had a phone counselling appointment today. I...

This is the post I was supposed to post yesterday morning. I awoke this morning to my husband's worse nightmare - Donald Trump is the President-elect of the United States. That being said, husband also predicted a bone-head move made out of hubris and a swift impeachment. I had said that his...

So I did a post this morning and my internet was fouling up again, so I'll have to try again tomorrow, it will be out of sequence but I think Trump almost broke the internet today. I came into my room and looked around today - there is a pile of laundry two feet high and I have to get on with...

I'm physically and mentally exhausted. The dog is being whiny and I think he just wants me to pet him. I've been petting him, letting him out and we did an hours walk this morning; I fed him, watered him and still he's whiny. I just don't get him. I've been thinking about that flickering light...

I tried to post this last night but my internet was being screwy. I was angry and I was writing to him earlier as though I were talking to him. I was talking about how he always said my mom "hated him" and I used to deny that because I had my mom come to me once and ask why he was so "strange...