My husband died today

[NarcSis]

Not to frighten anyone but sometimes I just want to die - I want everything to just fall into place and not need me to deal with it. I feel like a whining child. I feel like I'm pinned to the floor being made to deal with things I don't want to deal with. I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm overwhelmed. I called the bank, they're refusing to deposit my husband's tax return because "the sum is too large". They're the ones who told me in the first place that I didn't need to go through the hassle of being made executor and could use our joint account as the "estate account".

Now tomorrow is 10 months since he died and suddenly Estate checks are no longer acceptable to deposit and the financial planner had the gall to suggest I go to my own bank to establish an estate account! What kind of bank refuses your patronage!?

I just don't get it. Why does life have to be this hard? I want to throw it all away and let someone else sort out this b-sh*t!

The anxiety is killing me. The depression wants me dead. I can't handle this kind of stress!

My husband is owed severance from a contract issue as well, when I told the guy from the bank he flat out refused to handle the check and suggested I contact my husband's employer to get the check issued in my name. Ummm, lawsuit, I cannot contact them.

In a letter his managers advised me to contact his union, so I finally got a hold of the union president today and he gave me unprofessional stupid replies, essentially saying he can't understand why he needs to be involved, so I asked point blank if he was saying he cannot help me and I must've shaken his shutters because I FINALLY got something that approached an intelligent and professional response. A defensive reaction. This union operates exactly like the management, no wonder they're in bed together!

Of course, by the time I got the offer of assistance from the Union, I'd already contacted my lawyer. It sounds like my lawyer may take care of it but I won't know for sure until tomorrow.

I was hyperventilating and wanting to die so badly this afternoon. I was crying hysterically and then, my sister called and I had to struggle to pretend I was okay because she couldn't handle the crying. When I told her what was going on she didn't help she just did the self righteous raging, "They can't do that...What good is your lawyer... That man sure wasn't thinking of you when he decided to die."

I didn't need to hear any of that. I needed my hubby to calm me down, to tell me he loved me and remind me that I was just being overwhelmed; that we'd get through this. He was so good at that. At loving me. At caring for Me, not trying to compare his own situation to mine which is what my sister did; raging on and on about Her union issues. I wasn't saying I can't ever handle this, I was trying to say I just bit off more than I could chew and my PTSD cup was grossly over-flowing. I was in crisis. I needed reassurance that life was going to alright if I just breathed.

I'm still terrified. My sister spent 2 hrs on the phone listening to me vent but supporting those vents and not helping me to calm down. In the end I had to force myself to pretend I was fine and naturally she gloated on fb that she just spent 2 hours calming me down!!!

I still want to die. I want a break from life. I want my hubby back! I need him so badly right now. :(

 

[Deleted member 29920]

((((((((((((((((Medic72)))))))))))))))

 

[NarcSis]

I talked with my therapist last night, she wants me to call a crisis line today. I don't know if I will or if I will just go out all afternoon with the dog.

Today is the 10 month anniversary of his suicide. I'm not happy today. I want the world to go away today. I want to be alone but at the same time, I don't want to be alone.

My therapist said something that kind of annoyed me last night, "Mediiic, these are not mountains, don't make this into more than it is."

When you're in that state of mind, they ARE mountains. Your problems are insurmountable in those moments. To tell someone who is hyperventilating, severely anxious and reasoning completely via emotion that what they're feeling isn't real, it won't help because they're actually feeling it. Reality from the standpoint of logic doesn't exist.

I know because I've been there so many times already and I know this because I was in her shoes the entire day before my husband shot himself.

I was appealing to reason that day when reason didn't exist in his mind. I didn't know how to reach him.

People always wonder what you need in those moments, well, last night I felt like a toddler. I needed to have someone take over my life for a little while and give me permission to do nothing, just rest and feel loved and cared for. It sounds really dumb but that is exactly what it was, I needed to be cared for and release all responsibility for everything around me for a while.

Where are the people who can step in and handle your affairs for you when you just can't do it anymore? Not permanently just a few days so you can breathe and get your head back on straight.

Hubby used to be able to do this for me. He was needed in my life. Maybe I needed him too much. Maybe I put too much on his shoulders.

Uggh, my insides feel all twisted up today. I want to be with him. I want to feel his hugs again. I still needed him. How do you handle this crap on your own? I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired.

Why did he leave me alone? :(

 

[scout86]

I think they ARE mountains, but that doesn't mean they are insurmountable. The more I think about it, the more I like that metaphor. The climb can be hard, it dangerous. You might find yourself wishing all kinds of things along the way. You might also find a lot of unexpected things and people along the way. Some of them will be good.

I don't think wishing someone would just take over and give you a break is silly. I feel that way a lot. Having it actually happen isn't something I've got much experience with. I can only imagine how hard it would be to have someone, like your Tinny, you could count on that way, and then not have them. :( Hang in there!

 

[NarcSis]

I survived the past two days by laying low. I did minimal care for the dog, no super hikes or anything just enough of a walk to keep him from chewing his feet. I thought a lot about my husband.

The confusion is what erodes me. What he did makes no sense. I can say "he's finally getting the rest he so wanted" but that doesn't make this any easier to deal with. Suicide was so not something even I would have expected from him in my wildest dreams.

I saw a study for military and public safety suicides that is looking into investigative techniques for dealing with family members after a suicide. Apparently the current method has no standard, nor sensitivity and leaves families feeling alienated. Well, yeah especially spouses and immediate family because you're automatically suspect, it just seems like you're being asked what you had to gain from this death when you can't even process the fact that your spouse has even died. Let alone, died by their own hand.

Every day we hear how someone somewhere has (hushed whisper) killed themselves. It could be a neighbor, the relative of a coworker, the sister of your mailman or in my case, an emergency services person somewhere - it's never close to you. And then it is and you're left reeling, trying to work with a mind that is no longer functioning properly. In those moments immediately following a suicide, the concept of death becomes too real, so real it's unbelievable. This could not happen to you, this happens to strangers and "other people".

In my case, my husband wasn't diagnosed with anything, you can assume all you want and examine his life from a zillion different angles but he wasn't under care for any mental health issues. He had never displayed threatening behavior or spoken of suicidal ideation, but people assume he was because "why else would someone want to kill themselves?", "there has to be something WRONG with them."

There is nothing WRONG with people who want to die. In fact, they couldn't be more human. We run from things that hurt us; it's a protective mechanism. But the fact that we are self determining is where things can go awry. We can make inappropriate choices. We are prone to acting out and being irrational. We don't want to be in any form of discomfort, physical or psychological, for any length of time, so we will try to get away from it. We can feel trapped by our situation when we actually aren't. We can be emotionally overwhelmed and everyone knows when you are overwhelmed you can't think clearly, after all, if you could, you would see that your "problem" is not the mountain it feels like.

But there in lies the issue - it IS a mountain in those moments and you are an exhausted climber. Some of us hang on tight by sheer will, others let go of the rope and fall. Are they necessarily "mentally ill" because they couldn't hang on anymore? No! They were just exhausted and needed a break but forgot to attach their safety line before letting go.

Have a safety line. Death isn't an inevitable consequence of what you're dealing with, you just need permission to rest safely. The urge to let go goes away.

It can come back but every single time, it will fade away again.

In PTSD recovery I was taught to think of my anxiety during a trigger event as a wave; it can wash over you and you feel like you're not going to survive but every wave recedes and you will be able to breathe again.

When you're felling like you want to die and there's depression and anxiety and anger and frustration and loneliness and soul crushing pain, you just want it gone. You want instant better. You want quiet, you want peace, you want away, "take it away". That is the wave washing over you. Every wave recedes.

You don't need mental illness to feel this way but having some form of mental illness from burnout to bipolar, makes it far easier for those waves to wash over you. Try to survive them.

There were and likely still are a lot of assumptions floating around out there about my husband, about me and our marriage or our life together, the type of people we were together, but only he knew his own true demons.

Our life together is why I now suffer so badly of his suicide. We loved each other every single day for twenty years. In anger I still loved him and maybe this was a fault, but we rarely stayed angry with one another. He was functioning and coping with his pain and his stress up until that straw - and he broke and he cut himself free of this line without a safety tether. And I lost him. Forever.

The world is a lonelier place without him.

He was a good person. He gave everything he had always to try to spare others. He led his life with integrity. He was bound by duty. He believed in honour.

He died by suicide.

I miss him so much.

 

[The Albatross]

"...it IS a mountain in those moments and you are an exhausted climber. Some of us hang on tight by sheer will, others let go of the rope and fall. Are they necessarily "mentally ill" because they couldn't hang on anymore? No! They were just exhausted and needed a break but forgot to attach their safety line before letting go.

Have a safety line. Death isn't an inevitable consequence of what you're dealing with, you just need permission to rest safely. The urge to let go goes away.

It can come back but every single time, it will fade away again.

In PTSD recovery I was taught to think of my anxiety during a trigger event as a wave; it can wash over you and you feel like you're not going to survive but every wave recedes and you will be able to breathe again.

When you're felling like you want to die and there's depression and anxiety and anger and frustration and loneliness and soul crushing pain, you just want it gone. You want instant better. You want quiet, you want peace, you want away, "take it away". That is the wave washing over you. Every wave recedes.

You don't need mental illness to feel this way but having some form of mental illness from burnout to bipolar, makes it far easier for those waves to wash over you. Try to survive them."

Yup, yup yup Medic... wish I had some words but this is very astute. I have seen people with relatively little adversity... let alone trauma be "failure to thrives". There is a lot of truth to what you shared there... It is a mountain or can be for those who don't understand that it is a wave and if they can wait it out the landscape can change or like you said, that it will recede. (hugs and listening gal though not always able to comment)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Medic72)))
I am SO SORRY you are in SO MUCH pain! I can't even imagine how much you are suffering...

I will keep you in my prayers. I wish I was a neighbor...

Blessings of Peace sent from me to you!

 

[NarcSis]

My sister came overnight to help me decorate for Christmas. The tree is up and it felt no different from any other year. I found myself wondering if he'd be surprised when he came home from work. I had to remind myself that he isn't at work. He'll never just be at work again.

I almost felt guilty for thinking this was no different from any other year. In recent years it had been me pulling all the effort for Christmas, at most he would dig out the tree for me but putting it up and decorating it was something left to me. We used to have fun decorating our tree together and I honestly can't remember when that stopped happening.

The same with Christmas lights. I can't remember precisely when putting them up became solely my responsibility.

At some point along the way he just stopped making an effort and let me carry it all - and we all know how that makes us feel. I was starting to dread Christmas. I had no energy for it. One year we even bought a tabletop tree because I just could not do it. I couldn't climb around putting up decorations while someone sat 5 feet away watching YouTube. He lost his Christmas spirit at some point and I know I definitely lost mine after my trauma.

Despite all of my complaints, I still loved him and I never would have ever traded him for anyone else. He made me feel whole.

He always used to joke that I would eventually trade him in for a younger model - it makes you wonder if that spoke to his insecurity about our relationship. I always said I'd never do that, not unless the younger model was a prince with riches beyond compare - and even then, I'd only do a sham wedding so I could leave him and bring half of those riches back to share with my hubby. We used to laugh and end up snuggling together.

In the last month of his life he was really distant. We weren't snuggling as much, we still were, just not like the glue we used to be. He seemed annoyed with me a lot. I didn't know how deep this storm was.

I still say I'd rather he just divorced me than to have killed himself; at least he'd still be alive. I'd rather him alive hating me than dead with me feeling this kind of loss.

He still had so much to give.

I miss him. I want him to just walk through the door, in his uniform and say, "Hiii" like he used too. I want to hear his voice again.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Hugs for you))):hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

In spite of everything, I applaud that you decorated your tree for Christmas. You may not notice but I have noticed that you have made such strides in this process. :hug:

 

[NarcSis]

I've got lunch with one of my old partners from work this week, a therapy appointment and possibly a hike with my husband's last partner at work. He was supposed to come over short notice last week but cancelled at the last minute, so I'm not sure if this hike will happen this week, especially if the weather is bad. My sister is being paranoid and saying things like, "What does HE want?" and "I wonder what he's up too..." She barely knows the guy but this is how she is with me - everyone is "after" me in some way and trying to take advantage of me, especially when she's not around. We're right back to where we were before I met my husband, I'm the child again. Uggh.

I found the dog intently staring at the stairwell today and slowly wagging his tail. I thought he was nuts. I was in the kitchen and he's usually sitting right there watching me so I went to look for him. It made me wonder what he was seeing. Was hubby here?

I've been missing hubby a lot and talking to him while I'm driving. I feel safer talking aloud to him while I'm driving, that way no one can overhear me and think I'm crazy. At home I talk to the dog a lot. I used to be so full of energy when we'd come back from hiking, I'd be talking his ear off as we drove home. He once told me that I talk a lot. I wonder if every guy says that about their wife. I was only a talker with him, anywhere else, I was very quiet.

I was shoveling the driveway and missing him so much today. There is no need for me to clear the driveway for him anymore. I can actually wait for the end of the snowfall to even begin clearing the snow. This makes me really sad. I used to go out at 1 am to clear the driveway so it would be good for when he'd get home at 3. If it was super cold out, I'd make tea and have it waiting for him. I knew every single night after a shift he'd come home and take tylenol or advil, so I would make him toast or muffins, just something so he had food in his stomach when he took the meds. Even if I was already in bed, I'd get up when I'd hear him come in and rush down to hug him and kiss him. I missed him every single hour that he was away - it sounds really corny but it's true, in my head, he was home and he was safe and I didn't have to worry anymore.

There were nights I actually fell asleep before he got home but that was because it was cold out and I'd rolled over onto his side of the bed to warm it up for him. He was always so cold. This got worse as he got older and so did his aches and pains. It didn't matter that my husband carried a little extra weight around the middle, he was always so cold. On any given day during the winter you'd find him sitting on the couch wearing at least two clothing layers and two jackets! Meanwhile, I'd be sitting beside him with just regular clothing on or leggings. It's odd but now that he's gone, the entire house feels a little colder to me. I've been layering up lately and when my sister comes over, she complains that the floors are cold - sadly, I can't really afford to turn the heat up too high, I'd rather conserve energy than waste it. Besides, my husband was always a thermostat watcher, the house was only set to 23 on those rare days that my sister would come down, otherwise it was at 21 (22 when he wasn't here, hee, hee hee). I don't want to get used to having too warm a home when I could wear a sweater and slippers and be comfortable.

I got the study booklet for the suicide investigation study today. It's odd. It's like a police report. Reading it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, especially with the amount of detail of the suicide that they wanted. Time and place of death. Subject birth date, detailed medical history, scene data, method of death details, social information like firearms access etc., family dynamics, content of any notes, etc. They also ask for copies of any reports like the coroner's report or police and insurance reports. It was very investigative, which I guess is what they were aiming at but it gets me extremely nervous releasing that kind of in depth data to a researcher who is only developing the questionnaire. There is no option to evaluate the questionnaire itself. There is no space to provide feedback on how I felt about filling in the questionnaire and my opinions about what should / shouldn't be included. If the goal of the research is to develop the questionnaire booklet for investigators to use, then why am I not evaluating the questionnaire itself?

I don't know, it made me extremely uncomfortable. It set off my paranoia alarm. Plus, most of the detail would be found in either the coroner's report or the police report - I have the coroner's report but it is in a sealed envelope and I will not open that. I would have had to pay to access the police report and at the time, I didn't have money for that; besides, as a spouse who was currently living with him at the time of his death and in no way suspect in his death, I feel that this information should just be released to me. Why do I have to buy a report on my own husband's death??? Of course, that tidbit came from the numb-brained investigator on the case, I can't say enough about how ditzy and stupid this woman was. Completely inappropriate, not very communicative and sorely misinformed when she passed on information. (Again! My brother's didn't need to see the vehicle in the state it was in or smell it so that they'll never forget that smell!! Stupid moron told them the car was clean and could probably be resold!! B*tch! That was my husband! That was their brother in law! Ugggh. I hope someone shoots her or something.)

Anyway, the study is in no way what I thought it was going to be, so I may not return the envelope and withdraw from it. In my opinion what they sent me makes no sense whatsoever in terms of what they stated the study was about. Why would I provide extreme in depth knowledge of my husband's death to someone developing a questionnaire? I don't know, it sent up red flags in my head, especially when the return address was to a home in one of the cities I used to work in and NOT to the University they claimed to have been associated with. I am still in a dispute with my former employer, I don't know who this "researcher" is or who they're related too. A former manager? A former coworker? I just don't trust it now.

Uggh, if hubby was here, I could discuss it with him. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I just wanted to text him and ask what he thought about the whole thing. I wish he could just come home. I wish I could communicate with him in some way.

Just miss him so much.

 

[Canticle]

He committyou aed suicide. I don't know what I'm going to do now.

You are loved and you arw not alone. Please understand this and allow yourself to be consuled by those that have the capacity to help you carry the burden and soothe the pain. You are not alone and you are loved!