General Struggling between helping my husband with PTSD and addressing my needs

[wifey27]

Hello, I am hoping to find some guidance or at least express my concerns with a group who might understand. My husband has PTSD from an event that happened when he was a kid. For a long time, he suppressed his emotions and suffered from depression and insomnia because of it. I am really proud of him for taking the time, therapy and effort to realize what he has and taking the necessary steps to manage it.

We are both learning as we go and I know patience, forgiveness and understanding is needed from me. However, its been a really really tough road. He is still suffering from depression and insomnia and has outbursts on a regular basis. These outbursts are caused by work stress, him being overwhelmed, no sleep or me unknowingly triggering him. These outbursts can be very scary and I often don't know how to help him. And the fact I do not know how to help him causes him to become more angry with me. He always says I should know how to help, but I honestly don't. I would try different things (physical comfort, gifts, offering to listen/talk about it, space, tough love, asking what he needs) but nothing ever seems to help. Honestly, I feel like it usually makes everything worse.

I feel a lot of pressure to make sure I do not trigger him (usually, I don't realize I did until its too late- these triggers can be how I said something, what I said, being too "persistent"/not letting go of something, over explaining, etc), to properly take care of him when he is experiencing an episode, and remain happy and calm to not add more stress to his plate, even when I am feeling awful. This also leads me to not feel safe/comfortable to bring up issues I have in our relationship. Whether that is how he treats me during an episode, something that bothers me or how I want to be loved. When I do bring these things up, his response is usually "oh I am doing that wrong too" and I end up backtracking what I said and apologizing to him. It leads me to feel resentful and angry as well as guilty and selfish.

Happiness, love and progress also exists in our relationship, but I find myself feeling that I need to suppress or abandon my feelings, needs and hurts because of his PTSD.

 

[arfie]

hello wifey. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. i speak now as a wifey with ptsd and a husband who was ptsd when we married in 1980. now i think we might be a case study for the theory that ptsd is the number one cause of ptsd. he has never been diagnosed, but i gotta wonder sometimes.

i earnestly wish the love of my life would take care of himself, first and foremost. trying to predict my mental health needs is somewhere between difficult and impossible. hubby helps me best when he plies the self-care needed to be at the top of his game. his efforts to put me first make me feel hopelessly broken and even like a threat to all which i hold dear. when he expresses confidence that i can work through my own psycho snot knots, my confidence in myself and my therapy network grows with his assurance.

but that is me and every case is unique. every good marriage is even more unique.

steadying support while you sort what is best for yours.
welcome aboard.

 

[Friday]

I feel a lot of pressure to make sure I do not trigger him (usually, I don't realize I did until its too late- these triggers can be how I said something, what I said, being too "persistent"/not letting go of something, over explaining, etc), to properly take care of him when he is experiencing an episode, and remain happy and calm to not add more stress to his plate, even when I am feeling awful.

So this is one of those things that is PERFECTLY NATURAL, in the early days, because it’s someone we love… and will also need to get kicked to the curb, ASAP.

Doesn’t mean you won’t walk on eggshells, won’t periodically be walking across a field of …SMACK!… rakes …SMACK! SMACK!

But being blamed for evils others did, just because you’re nearby? Is total BS. And the SOONEST he can wrap his head around the FACT that YOU did not trigger him; HE was triggered, so you stop being blamed & stop accepting blame? The better this will go.

Seeeeeeriously.

And it’s a mindf*ck, in the beginning.

Do not accept the blame, for evils others did.

Just don’t. As much, and as often, as humanly possible. Until it becomes reflex. Until it becomes known. And understood. And baseline.

Check out the articles section on triggers and stressors to get a better understanding, to begin with. ZERO triggers & stressors are your fault. Full stop.

Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?

Feb 12, 2010

Whilst I do not engage most conversations here nowadays, I have been reading this word "trigger" get thrown about more and more over the past months, most of which I found to be completely incorrect for what a trigger actually is. It has gotten to a point where I feel members are getting way off track on what's really occurring within their own life to the point that trigger is being used so carelessly, as to what I can only construed as an excuse for their actions or an excuse to not do something that makes them anxious.

Most of what I read when trigger is used, the person is actually...

• anthony
• Comments: 173
• Topic: Anxiety, Panic & Hypervigilance

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How to use triggers as a means to recovery?

Aug 5, 2018

To answer this question, lets first define a psychological trigger.

A trigger is an activated traumatic memory due to your present environment via one or more of your five senses, sight, sound, touch, taste and smell. A trigger will result in a symptomatic or behavioral response.

To fully understand the difference between trigger and stressor, please read Stressor vs. Trigger (recommended reading).

Many sufferers and supporters view triggers negatively, as they provoke a negative action, so avoidance is often the solution--a natural human response. When you look...

• anthony
• Comments: 38
• Topic: Articles

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Working with triggers

Mar 9, 2018

Triggers are part and parcel of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). If you have PTSD, you have triggers of some kind that cause a symptomatic reaction. The positive to triggers is that with time and effort you can remove them or lessen the symptomatic impact to non-distressing levels.

Many years ago, I wrote about stressors vs. triggers due to the confusion that stemmed from the use of these terms. If you are unsure about the difference, you should read that article first, as we directly discuss triggers...

• anthony
• Comments: 49
• Topic: Articles

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[Roland]

I'm sorry you're deal with all this. It can be really difficult. To echo @Friday 's sentiments, you aren't responsible for his triggers, he is. In addition, many PTSD triggers are random, unpredictable, etc.

You can't read his mind on what he needs either. But likely, he doesn't know either. Keep trying to talk to him about it later, maybe even a whole day or two later "Hey so when x happened, was there anything in particular you needed that I didn't know?". It's really hard to communicate during a triggered state, it's hard to think straight but if you are able to communicate later on it can help going forward. When you go to talk to him, maybe try to redirect the conversation if he says "oh I do that too". Say you aren't blaming him, you're trying to understand him better. Ask questions (when he's not triggered).

I have PTSD and my husband feels similar despite me regularly telling him it's not his fault, he didn't cause x reaction, etc, he still feels responsible. So we're going to marriage therapy that specializes in PTSD and trauma and relationships. Perhaps that's something you and your husband could look at doing? Going to marriage therapy doesn't mean you hate your husband or there's huge problems, it just means you want to improve things in your relationship.