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Relationship I (33f) didn't know about my partner's PTSD and triggereed him hard. Can you help me analyze?

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salome2947

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I (33) didn't know about the PTSD from domestic abuse by an ex girlfriend of my boyfriend (39) of 9 months and triggered him badly. We stayed in contact via text so far, with the exception of today, and today of all days he got really bad news from work. Can I check in on him via text?

Background: He and I work together.

In my life I had one violent incident: I slapped a work colleague on the cheek at a work event 10 years ago after he called me a slut for dancing. This man laughed apologetically afterwards and tried to hit on me later on. I saw the slap as a symbol of insult, but after what happened last week (I slapped my bf on the cheek as well) I realize this is a questionable framing. I didn't have bad memories connected to this event that I'm aware of and only even remembered it because of what happened now. Noone in my family has a history with violence. My former relationships (3) were harmonious and phased out in still ongoing friendships.

7 months in in our relationship my bf started to send me what I thought was graphically vile misogynist music that was popular during his youth. It weirded me out a lot that he would send me this out of the blue, and I never had a man expose me to stuff like this. I let him know harshly that I find it tasteless and dumb, but I never admitted that it emotionally weirded me out.

Misogynist music came up three other times, but the frame was different this time. My bf was embarrassed and tried to make me see it from a different perspective (which was legit given the context), but another vile song was just for trolling, again. However I brushed it off as dumb shock value.

Fast forward to last week: we were at a workshop where he and I went to an unserved hotel bar. There was a group of about 30 men from another company and I was the only woman. I don't care about that at all, I worked in an only men office before and feel comfortable among men. My bf and I were drunk and at one point he started to tell me how sexy I am and that I should start dancing for those men. I hardly ever feel pressured by people and neither did I feel so there, which he knows, so I laughed it off. At one point it became annoying and I wanted to change the subject so I made a distracting joke, which worked. The evening started to get blurry, but I don't remember the mood being off overall. At one point the men left and it was only him and I. He recited something of one of the misogynist tracks, but I don't remember the context and whether it made joking sense in the context. I do remember suddenly out of the blue telling my bf about the one time I was scared of men in my life (nothing happened there in the end) and that I wanted to do something meaningful with this experience of fear then, that had been alien to me before. I told him that I took a few lessons of kickboxing to work through this experience. Now, my behaviour gets creepy. After I was done telling my bf this anecdote, I suddenly remembered something hurtful that he said during dinner with our work colleagues and asked him about it. When he affirmed having said that , I slapped his cheek. I wasn't blacked out, I do remember doing it. Toxic as it may sound, but I expected the slap to have the effect of him calming me down, and me being able to tell him that he was mean. I guess I expected a similar situation like the one with the guy from work 10 years ago. To my surprise my bf was in utter shock and had to leave, telling me he swore to never let this happen to him again and that he was full of adrenaline. This was the first time I heard him say something about a possible bad event from his past.

The way I remember it is that I slapped him because of the dinner thing, I didn't remember the misogyny stuff having anything to do with my action, but I now consider that it might have been my subconscious reason given the analogy to the other event. (which doesn't justify anything of what I did, I just want to understand myself and the situation better).

It was immediately clear to me that something horrible happened after his reaction and that I did something horrible to him. I apologized via text immediately. It is not in my nature to beg for forgiveness or make promises so my message wasn't emotional, I said I did what I did and I know I can't undo it.
He texted me the following day and we chatted about what happened. All of the following took place via text, we haven't seen each other yet. In the first chat is where I remembered that the only other time I have acted out physically in my life before was when I slapped that man at the work event for calling me a slut and I told this to my bf. My bf said that him telling me to dance for those men was inappropriate and he seemed alienated to have done it. I didn't imply that it was bad what he did, I described it as a joke between us that perhaps unconsciously reminded me of the other one.

He then opened up about the domestic violence he experienced which was beyond words terrible. And I wouldn't be surprised if he has never told anyone else. He explained the cycle of abuse to me, about how this is how it starts, first it's just a slap, respect is lost, then promises to be better and honeymoon and then it starts again. I was utterly weirded out about myself for potentially having reenacted such a pattern and asked myself whether i'm truly entering this cycle. I didn't exemplify at least the typical regret behaviour of that cycle - I will never ask for him to take me back or listen to me if he doesn't want to or give him gifts or some such thing. I also told him then that I didn't want to distract from what I did by talking about the parallel to the other event and the misogyny thing being a potential trigger of mine that I was unaware of. I told him that I will follow his lead with regards to contact between us without question. On the next day he initiated texting again and wrote about what we could do better in the future, being optimistic, but then he seemed more negative again, slightly bitter. Yesterday after I wished him a good day he thanked me and said that he acknowledges that a slap to a man could be seen as socially acceptable and I couldn't have known what effect it has on him, so he doesn't want to say it's over yet but he also can't just go past it for it evoked too many memories and thus he just doesn't want to say anything for now. I told him I completely understand and that I'll wait for him to be ready and that I'm always there for him.

After this from yesterday I didn't hear from him anymore. Today we got company news that informed us about something that means a career blowback for him that I know it's going to hurt his self esteem badly as I was there for him when similar but less bad news reached us in this matter. I wish I could support him just as a platonic friend for this, but I know I can't do anything and perhaps won't ever be the right person to do so ever again. I'm crying typing these letters but I already set myself up for loss from the beginning.

He and I never had a fight, our relationship wasn't dramatic but communcation was sometimes complicated. We can't see each other that much physically, so we text a lot and I often asked him about potential misunderstandings which in the beginning he explicitly encouraged me to do for good conflict culture. However I know it started to stress him out later-on, making him feel I'd question his commitment to me, which wasn't my intention so I stopped. Also, it wasn't reciprocal, he never told me about anything that bugged him about me, which I in turn always encouraged him on. This was during a time that he was more distant than usual and seemed like he forced himself to keep up normalcy (which I would never ask of him). During this time I told him that I sometimes feel like he's reacting to a different person than me, because sometimes I felt like he felt he had to justify himself to me, without me having any such expectations. He agreed that he might project older relationship patterns on to me then, seemed in thought about this, but he didn't explain any further. This was way before I knew about the assaults. I feel utterly appalled and alienated about myself for having put him through this.

My question now to you is: Can I write to him today to check in on him in a neutral way, just letting him know I'm there, or is this obtrusive?

My other question is: can you help me analyze what happened with us? After having read about PTSD, is it possible he subconsciously projected punishment for his abusive ex gf onto me with the misogyny stuff? Am I overinterpreting this? Also, did I really enter an abuse cycle or was this something different? Can slaps be seen as symbols of insult or are people that slap always in denial about being abusive? I want to know because I would immediately seek treatment if what I did was an indication of such a thing.

Goes without saying that I am deeply in love with this man and I will forever be grateful to him for showing me his beautiful love.
 
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If someone I was dating ever slapped me, I would end things immediately and not even be interested in a friendship anymore, much less a romantic partnership.

Men are conditioned a lot by society to just take it if a woman abuses them and they often feel like they are being overdramatic or weak if they even speak up about it or are bothered by it, but a woman slapping a man is no different from a man slapping a woman in how it makes the person taking the punches feel. It's hurtful and disrespectful and it does make you wonder "what next?" and immediately puts in fears about the future and doubts about future behavior.

Once you cross that line, all you can do is apologize and give the other person whatever space or things that they need, and I would say that the person doing the hitting might want to do some serious soul searching about themselves in therapy.

I was sex trafficked as a child and teen and have been badly abused and I am a feminist. I still listen to music that I'm sure some people might find offensive, and that in no way justifies anyone else in slapping me. I don't think that it's okay to slap someone who called you a dirty name, either, though. You are basically doling out physical violence when someone else offends you, and that isn't an okay response.
 
Men are conditioned a lot by society to just take it if a woman abuses them and they often feel like they are being overdramatic or weak if they even speak up about it or are bothered by it, but a woman slapping a man is no different from a man slapping a woman in how it makes the person taking the punches feel. It's hurtful and disrespectful and it does make you wonder "what next?" and immediately puts in fears about the future and doubts about future behavior.
My wife has CPTSD and has hit, kicked, bit, etc. throughout our 3 year relationship. I've never told anyone. I've justified that it's ok, telling myself she has trauma, or it wasn't that hard, or it was only once and not a full beating. She says the same to me and when I say something I'm weak and not a man. I've never raised my hands to her. When she is not emotionally dysregulated she openly tells me I'm not an abusive person, as I've never even defended myself from her attacks. But this week was different. She became dysregulated and I was unable to pull her out of the spiral and got sucked down with her. I said something she did not like and she attacked me: pulling my hair, slapping me, hitting me, putting hands on my neck, and even spitting on me. She later convinced me that I deserved it because I wasn't listening and I stopped once she beat me. This happened two more times over the next few days. I've finally started speaking to crisis counselors, DV advocates, and even the police. But I can't bring myself to tell my family or friends and I'd probably take her back if she asked.
 
My wife has CPTSD and has hit, kicked, bit, etc. throughout our 3 year relationship. I've never told anyone. I've justified that it's ok, telling myself she has trauma, or it wasn't that hard, or it was only once and not a full beating. She says the same to me and when I say something I'm weak and not a man. I've never raised my hands to her. When she is not emotionally dysregulated she openly tells me I'm not an abusive person, as I've never even defended myself from her attacks. But this week was different. She became dysregulated and I was unable to pull her out of the spiral and got sucked down with her. I said something she did not like and she attacked me: pulling my hair, slapping me, hitting me, putting hands on my neck, and even spitting on me. She later convinced me that I deserved it because I wasn't listening and I stopped once she beat me. This happened two more times over the next few days. I've finally started speaking to crisis counselors, DV advocates, and even the police. But I can't bring myself to tell my family or friends and I'd probably take her back if she asked.

Good for you for starting to speak out and get help. I hope that the people you have reached out to have been understanding and supportive of you. I know that it's really hard to ask for help and that it tends to be especially hard for men because of the societal pressures and stereotypes that I mentioned earlier. You are certainly not weak and anyone telling you that you're "not a man" is simply trying to manipulate, control, and hurt you. None of what was said or done to you is okay and it's not something that you should take on just because you are a man or it "wasn't that hard" or your wife is ill. You do not deserve to be abused simply because someone else is sick. No one should have to go through living like that and being treated with violence and even when we think we are handling someone else's violence and we are okay, it leaves lasting scars and trauma on us as a person as well. The fact that your wife doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior and says that you deserve to be abused is incredibly concerning and wrong. Does she ever take responsibility for herself or show remorse? Not that remorse even matters at this point because abusive people are great at faking remorse to drag us back into their bubble and stay in control.

I have CPTSD and the only time I have ever gotten physically violent with someone else is in self-defense. Having PTSD should never be used as an excuse for terrible behavior and abusing someone else.
 
Thank you all very much for your comments.

Re:"If he had slapped you would you be OK with it?"

My internal picture of personal relations to others is based on symmetry, which translates to never expecting others to treat me differently than I do treat them and manifest f.e. in an aversion to asymmetrical personal relations like for example being a mother to a child.

I have the priviledge of never having experienced violence myself nor been exposed to it (the region of the world that I'm from has also been spared from war since multiple generations) and perhaps this has contributed to my ignorance and thoughtlessness. I know this sounds stupid, but in regards to the initial question I can only say that yes, up until the incident, I certainly *thought* I would have been OK with him slapping me like that in analoguous situations, otherwise I wouldn't have done it, but I guess I never really *thought through* what this meant. I am being honest here about my former attitudes, but those attitudes were obviously stupid and unempathic, which is painfully clear to me after having seen what I'd done.

I am aware of the stigma for male victims of domestic violence and have thought deeply before about the additional terror that comes with the isolation and invisibility due to the gendered stigma. I know that I won't be able to forgive myself for having him go through that, regardless of what happens.

Update: He initiated physical contact to smalltalk in the meantime and was very sweet. We settled an appointment to talk more in depth. I'm not sure whether it's possible to go back to before but I'm already eternally grateful just for this sort of re-establishment of contact.
 
. I know that I won't be able to forgive myself for having him go through that, regardless of what happens.
Good. You shouldn't forgive yourself until you can be absolutely sure that you won't be abusive ever again.

You should be in therapy to try to figure out why you thought it was ok to abuse someone else and how to prevent it from happening again. And it goes without saying that your boyfriend should dump you. He won't, but that's his problem, not yours. Although if you wanted to be an ethical person - something I'm not sure you could actually do, what with, you know, being abusive and all - you could just not be in a relationship until you sorted out all your shit.
 
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I've finally started speaking to crisis counselors, DV advocates, and even the police. But I can't bring myself to tell my family or friends and I'd probably take her back if she asked.
This gets better over time and with processing. Good for you for talking with those people, which will help you. The next thing you should do is get yourself into therapy. She's basically brainwashed you, and therapy can help you undo that. You don't want to go back - because I guarantee it will be even worse next time.
 
Good. You shouldn't forgive yourself until you can be absolutely sure that you won't be abusive ever again.

You should be in therapy to try to figure out why you thought it was ok to abuse someone else and how to prevent it from happening again. And it goes without saying that your boyfriend should dump you. He won't, but that's his problem, not yours. Although if you wanted to be an ethical person - something I'm not sure you could actually do, what with, you know, being abusive and all - you could just not be in a relationship until you sorted out all your shit.
When I wrote that I'm not sure whether it's possible to go back to before I was also talking about it from my perspective for I indeed want to sort things out. Also, it's normal for me to not be in a relationship.
 
Full disclosure, I have ptsd, I am not a supporter. Having said that, I am not commenting on the ptsd one bit.

IMO you are reacting to the misogyny. I believe that this negativity towards you will eventually feel like death by a million paper cuts. He isn’t going to stop, because this is simply who he is, what he believes, and how he feels about women. You have already spoken to him about it and he will not stop. (Can I stress how this shows that he has little respect for you?) I speak out of experience as that’s essentially what happened to me. Yes, you love him, but you are already reacting to his behavior that says “I hate women (on one level or another)”. You consciously know what he says is wrong, but it’s subconsciously bothering you a lot more than you believe IMO. Love will eventually not be enough, and your self esteem will be in the toilet. This is hard to come back from, especially when the misogyny sets in and you start to hate yourself.

I am 7 months out from the last time I saw my ex. The self hatred that he ingrained in my head because of the negging and ways that he was hateful towards women is a constant struggle to control. Simply put, it’s hard. I made a breakthrough in terms of not truly believing I am a horrible person, but the negative thought spirals do not stop.

I’m not going to say anything about the slap as yes we all know it’s wrong. But if a man pushes you so far that you are resorting to slapping, IMO this is a huge red flag 🚩. He isn’t going to stop the misogyny and your sub conscious WILL NOT calm down because hey that’s just kind of what the sub conscious part of our mind does, it just IS and cannot be controlled. (I am talking about he ingrained belief that misogyny is wrong, not slapping.)

My best guess is that this is a fundamental way that you two are incompatible and this relationship is not meant to be.
 
Full disclosure, I have ptsd, I am not a supporter. Having said that, I am not commenting on the ptsd one bit.

IMO you are reacting to the misogyny. I believe that this negativity towards you will eventually feel like death by a million paper cuts. He isn’t going to stop, because this is simply who he is, what he believes, and how he feels about women. You have already spoken to him about it and he will not stop. (Can I stress how this shows that he has little respect for you?) I speak out of experience as that’s essentially what happened to me. Yes, you love him, but you are already reacting to his behavior that says “I hate women (on one level or another)”. You consciously know what he says is wrong, but it’s subconsciously bothering you a lot more than you believe IMO. Love will eventually not be enough, and your self esteem will be in the toilet. This is hard to come back from, especially when the misogyny sets in and you start to hate yourself.

I am 7 months out from the last time I saw my ex. The self hatred that he ingrained in my head because of the negging and ways that he was hateful towards women is a constant struggle to control. Simply put, it’s hard. I made a breakthrough in terms of not truly believing I am a horrible person, but the negative thought spirals do not stop.

I’m not going to say anything about the slap as yes we all know it’s wrong. But if a man pushes you so far that you are resorting to slapping, IMO this is a huge red flag 🚩. He isn’t going to stop the misogyny and your sub conscious WILL NOT calm down because hey that’s just kind of what the sub conscious part of our mind does, it just IS and cannot be controlled. (I am talking about he ingrained belief that misogyny is wrong, not slapping.)

My best guess is that this is a fundamental way that you two are incompatible and this relationship is not meant to be.
Thank you very much for offering a different perspective, that is, for going through the ramblings on my subconscious thought processes in the original post and for giving it a shot to take them seriously to explore where else the story could lead to then. I really appreciate this (the original post is edited meanwhile a bit for privacy).
You consciously know what he says is wrong, but it’s subconsciously bothering you a lot more than you believe
Sadly this sentence rings painfully true to me, and I feel it's his subsconsciousness reacting to this aswell. Also, I think he knows it too after having seen him yesterday briefly. I have seen enough of the essence of this beautiful human being to always be fond of him and I know he did so with me aswell, but I think if he wants to stay in contact we will only move forward platonically anyway. Also if the interpretation you're offering here is fitting, I figure this could be prudent for healing - a female person not judging him and staying loyal without romantic or sexual entanglement and the opaque dependencies that go along with the latter. Does this sound reasonable in theory? In case it sounds like I'm lying to myself in regards to my motives: Obviously I can't 't exclude this. I don't think I am given my loner nature, but who knows.. Thanks again for taking this angle seriously.
 
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