My sister went back to work today. I'm glad but I'm also very lonely right now. It's quiet again in here and even the dog notices because he keep coming over and whining at me. I've fed him, walked him, played with him, petted him, did a training session and STILL he is whining and acting bored! Last night all he was doing was sitting on the floor listening to us talking - well, mostly her talking about her work people and their lives like I know those people but still, it was another voice in this house.
I just wrote a letter to my hubby in my private journal. I was angry at him. I asked him if he even loved me anymore when he decided to shoot himself. I asked him how stupid he could have been shooting himself over some stupid physiotherapist who didn't even know what they were talking about. I told him I was still confused and angry and sad because I'm alone now. He didn't know how hard it was for me just to meet him. Since I met him we isolated ourselves from other people, it was always just us. I have no clue where or even how to meet another person, so I will be alone and sad for the rest of my life. I can't see it any other way. I can't see me, with PTSD now, being able to suddenly be this friendly, outgoing person when I was never that to begin with - that was my "work persona", it wasn't me, it was something I put on. I get afraid now when people want to know more about me, I get suspicious and paranoid. I shut down. I push them away. I stop doing the activity I was engaging in that drew their attention. I was never a social person to begin with.
I told my hubby that I was angry that he would leave me when, once when we were fighting, in our early days together, he screamed at me to just "get out then" but when he found me packing my bags later, he went screaming into the spare room crying and carrying on about how I didn't love him, how he knew I was eventually going to just leave him! He threw himself on the floor and started smashing his head on the garbage can and screaming that he couldn't live without me. I stayed. I'd never felt so sick in my entire life for making someone feel that badly...and I was just doing what I thought he wanted me to do! If he thought my packing my things was easy on me, he was so wrong, I didn't want to leave, I had nowhere to go and my heart was shattered because I thought he didn't love me at all. Then he did that and I felt confused and upset and extremely guilty.
I wrote to him and asked him why when, on one of our anniversaries, I admitted that I was really drawn to him right from the first time I saw him and I loved him so deeply from early on ( even before we slept together!), why he chose to tell me that he didn't love me from the start, that his love for me took "some time" to develop. Those words broke my heart that night. I was angry with him for saying it. Why wouldn't you just lie and let your wife believe you were in love with her from the start!? Why would you say that to someone? Did he really ever truly love me or was I just a convenience item? Is that why it was so easy to just blow himself away? Because he had no real attachment to me?
I asked him how f'ing easy it was to shoot himself and leave me forever. FOREVER. I'm not social. I'll never find a "replacement husband". I don't want one. No one else will ever be him. Where would I find someone that challenges my intelligence like he did? Where will I ever find another person who supports me and stands by me like he did? Where would I find someone that could take my shit and still be so damned positive and optimistic? I can't even leave my f'ing house for any length of time on my own for crying out loud!!
How could he have made me waste my time for the past 20 years? He just threw away OUR life together. Not just his, mine too. All of it, everything I did for the past 20 years was a complete waste of time, just tossed to the wind like yesterday's garbage. All of the investment I made in him, all of my emotions, all of my love, all of my effort to keep him happy and content - blown away.
That was my life too!! He was the only bit of life I had left to hang onto, he was the only reason to keep moving forward, the only reason to try to heal. Now I just don't even care anymore. I wake up with no goals save for a list of tasks to do that day. I live from minute to minute with no real future and I don't even care. This is my life now. Breath by breath with no point. Tasks. Tasks. Tasks. Distract and just keep breathing for reasons unknown. I mean, some days I don't even get my tasks done - how ridiculous is that? I had five things to accomplish today and I managed one then spent the rest of the day sitting on my ass "resting" and wasting time.
I hate that my days don't seem different from when he was alive. I lived for his days off of work when he was with me. I "worked" doing my tasks every day, celebrating the little things and being proud of me so that I could get my reward - spending time with him. He was my reward for working on my healing. Now what is the point? He's not coming home anymore! Why do I HAVE TO wash the floor, he's not going to be here to see it. Why do I bother to dust or keep this place up - he's not here to enjoy it anymore.
Maybe I'm triggered right now. I'm angry at him for leaving me. I'm sad and torn up inside. I want to scream and beg the universe to bring him back, give him a "proper" death, like an accident or a heart attack or something "normal". I was shoveling the driveway and repeatedly thinking about how I'm no longer doing it for him - I'm doing it for the sake of doing it. I'm doing it because I hear him in my head saying, "You can't schedule emergencies, gotta keep the driveway clear." I go outside and it's -15C and the air is super crisp and the snow groans under my boots and I think about how those things remind me of hiking with him in the park, how he was always prepared for any emergency, how the wind chill made it so cold your jacket could just shred and the only thing we had exposed were our eyes as we trudged through the snow. together.
I'm thinking about how I go out to the park now and it feels no different and that in itself is really sad because it means we were walking together but not really because I was walking alone in my own head. I was experiencing it on my own, like I still do. Was he even ever there with me?
I'm sitting on my butt typing on the computer, waiting for the text to tell me he's coming home early from work. The house is silent. Like it already was when he was working and he worked a lot. The house is silent like it was for that last year he was alive, even when he was here, he was on his computer or his handheld and all that I heard was the tv. I talked to break the silence, half the time he didn't answer anymore. I felt ignored and heart broken and alone. So, no different that I am right now, except there's no one here to ignore me.
You think I wouldn't miss him because of that. You think I'd be angry at him because of that but I'd give anything in this universe to have him silently filling the space on the other side of this couch right now. I never hated him. I regret resenting his moods. I regret the one day I was in the bathroom silently screaming that I just wish he would go back to work and leave me alone instead of sitting there, acting annoyed at my talking and shut down to me. i'm guilty because I was waiting it out and I was waiting for the "storm" to clear and I wasn't helping him. I knew he needed help but I also knew he didn't want it. He hated therapists, he hated that they were so dense and didn't understand our job and what we had to go through. He hated that they lived in their little boxes and didn't have a grasp on the reality of the world for the most part. He hated that they didn't KNOW. I knew. That's why he always used to turn to me. That's why we always debriefed each other's work stuff. I couldn't do that for him anymore. And it only took 8 years of that to kill him.
Why did he let it kill him? I wasn't a good enough example for holding on? What else was he dealing with? What sh*t was eating at him that made him believe he had to die? Whose fault is this!? I want someone to pay for this.
I want my husband home for Christmas where he belongs!!!! :(
