My husband died today

[NarcSis]

Bad episode today. Got a package for my sister delivered today, the UPS guy left it on the porch and rang the doorbell. I had a dog going nuts at the sound of the doorbell and a huge trigger waiting for me on the other side of that door. I opened the door, saw the package and immediately panicked. I knew I couldn't leave it there but I also knew I wouldn't be able to hold myself together for very long once I started handling it. It was in a black bag roughly the size of the one from my trauma.

Essentially a nightmare came knocking today and there is no longer a husband to deflect to for protection.

I grabbed hold of a corner of the package, dragged it in the door and then ran to the kitchen trying to think of what I could possibly do- at that point I wasn't even sure if the package was mine, I didn't take the time to check the shipping label. I was in panic mode, I had to get rid of the trigger quickly and I had no choice but to face it on my own, after all it was invading my comfort zone. I grabbed a pair of scissors, ran back, stabbed at the loose edge, slicing it open, pinched the opposite ends and spilled the contents on the floor. I didn't breathe. I looked away, picked the bag up quickly and stuffed it in the recycling bin making sure to bury it under so I could no longer see it. I then turned and ran back to the kitchen trying not to lose it. After a few minutes I lost it anyway. I was a mess for about 20 minutes as I sobbed, "Tin, I was brave, huh? I was brave. I can do this. Dammit, I needed you." I still get the images flooding my brain, the black plastic dripping, the bulge inside, the horror.

It was the toughest thing I've had to handle on my own so far. It made me angry and sad that he's no longer here to help me with this. It's stupid but this is what he helped shield me from. That is how he protected me with the PTSD. He was always there to step in and do the little things for me so that I didn't have to suffer the panic anymore. I had faith in his ability to protect me. He had my back.

No one has my back anymore. I'm alone in this now.

Every single time a demon emerges I have to fight again, there's no option to just rest anymore.

I'm exhausted tonight. So drained of energy. How could he just leave me? I needed him so much in my life.

:(

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Medic)))
I have been "compulsively" reading your thread from the beginning...I just finished page 13. I am AMAZED at your ability to write about your feelings, your life, AND your ability to "do life" one day at a time. You are "climbing that insurmountable mountain", of pain and loss, every day, whether you like it or not.

In my depression/PTSD, I have MANY times thought that I wanted to die, and know that it's really not wanting to hurt anymore! Because of what I have read here in the past few days, I know that I will NEVER even utter those words again! It would take something WAY out of my world to make me "go there". I have "stayed" for the people that I love, and now I know even MORE that I would NEVER leave this world by my own making.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing your heart and life here....

 

[NarcSis]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ, thank you for your words and support, I am sending you hugs and wishing you continued peace.

Today I cried watching a movie. In it a twin who lost his brother contacts a psychic to contact his dead brother, the psychic informs him that his brother is telling him he is on his own now, his big brother can't look out for him anymore and that it is so amazing where he is, "I can be so many things at the same time." I looked around the room and said aloud, "Are you here? Are you with me still or are you somewhere else? Will you stay with me because I still need you here. I needed you here!" And I burst into tears.

I wake every morning, grab hold of his "hand" (sleeve of his shirt) and whisper that I love him and miss him. This morning I put my hand on "his chest" and felt just how cold the bed was on that side, so I rolled over and put my head on "his chest" like I used to do when he was cold on those early winter mornings. The blanket didn't seem to get any warmer after a few minutes of me lying there like that and tears formed in my eyes because I thought, "I saw you in my dream. Are you really here beside me? Please be here with me."

In my dream we were on the front porch of our house and his brother had moved into a house a few doors down. He was a little upset because not only was he not told, (he only found out when we saw his brother moving furniture into the house) but his brother also wouldn't come over to visit us, instead he just waved from his front window. My husband was upset because he hadn't seen his brother in so long and he wanted him to at least visit. I had hugged him and told him, "In time, he'll come when he's ready to see you." The dream was very strange because although I knew I was with my husband and I could feel him and sense him and hear him speak, every time I looked at him his face was blurred. Every time I looked at his face, that blur, I got this strong sensation of being so in love, like it was radiating from him and filling my heart. I loved that sensation so much. I was almost upset that I had to wake up.

I know there is more to us than just our body. I know this in my heart. I feel this in my mind and I was talking to a friend today about some strange occurrences around my house - light bulbs burning out faster than they should, electrical buzzing / dimming of a bulb; just yesterday, the lights on the Christmas tree burning out while I was having a hysterical crying episode and this morning, waking up to find my outside Christmas lights still on (on a 6 hr timer), so I set the timer switch to OFF and they went off but only for a minute or two, they came back on again even though the circuit should have been cut. It sounds crazy and superstitious but I think it's him. I don't know what we become after we die, but I do believe that we are more than just a physical presence on earth. He's here somewhere.

Sadly the only reason I believe this so strongly has been because of the PTSD and having to come to grips with the "I" vs the "organism". They are two separate things. I feel it. I know it when my body is out of my control and the "I" is relegated to a tiny box in the back of my mind. I am more than just biochemicals and circuitry. I am what animates this organism. The body isn't me. Something happens to "I" when we die and I don't believe it just ceases to exist, I think it takes it's most natural form. I believe he is still here in some form or another. That movie today, although fiction, supported this and made me bawl my eyes out.

He's so close but so far away.

I never knew last Christmas was going to be our last together. He was so happy last Christmas because I think I gave him the greatest Christmas of his life; you see, I bought him something he'd only been dreaming of because of the expense. I took the financial hit because I wanted him to be happy. I felt he deserved it. I got him a brand new specialty stethoscope for work and I had his name engraved into the 'scope itself. I will never forget the pure surprise and the look on his face when he opened his gift. It was the first "true" Christmas surprise for him, something he didn't actually expect to receive. It was the reaction I'd looked for every single year since our very first Christmas together. He couldn't hide his excitement and he had that look like a kid whose just received the most amazing present in the world.

Only five weeks later he was dead. Only five weeks after the best Christmas of his life, he took his own life. It makes no sense. It just makes no sense.

On New Years Eve last year he was working 11-11. He got home just in time to toast with me and wrap me in a huge hug and kiss me. He told me he loved me and that he hoped this year would be a better year for us. He hoped that things would settle down and we could finally live our lives in peace. He killed himself 30 days after saying these things. 30 days after wishing for peace for OUR life, he ended HIS life.

Where am I now? Is this "peace"? I don't think peace exists here. The most we can get here is respite. I still long for respite from the madness that continues to haunt me. I want it over. I want the lawsuit done and gone. I want my former employer finally in the past and I want to move on with some kind of life where I am no longer responsible for anyone else but me.

Does he have "peace"? Or is he still affected by me? Does my pain filter to him and cause him pain? Is he still helpless to ease my tortured mind? Is he still unable to help me while I struggle? Is he relegated to continued watching of my struggles here in life?

I miss him. It hurts. I don't want to cause him hurt but I can't help how badly this hurts. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm heartbroken. I'm trying to keep one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. I can say "this is what he would have wanted" but the truth is, I don't know if that's what he wanted. I can't imagine him killing himself because he thought this would be a better life for me....to Martyr himself for me, sacrifice his own life so that I could gain financial stability? It makes no sense. He wouldn't have known how things would work out. I'm going to be okay, but am I really okay?

I can't be okay without him. I can't ever be truly "okay" again.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Medic)))
I am SO SORRY that you are having to deal with this horrible pain! It's beyond words, the emotional turmoil you are having...I TRULY wish I was a neighbor. I would be able to at least be someone "with skin on" for you to talk to.

I also believe that our existence doesn't end with the death of our body. In some way, our spirit lives on. Maybe your husband is a lingering "spirit" that is being allowed to have some effect around you. How can we say that it's not possible?

I do believe deeply, in God, and heaven. I have a daughter and my dad there, and I still get "signs" every now and then from my little girl. She was profoundly handicapped, and never said a word here on earth. I was given many signs when she lived, that she was an angel in human form. Love radiated from her, and MANY people were touched by her life.

Some people think that people who commit suicide go to hell. I DO NOT believe that in any way! I believe that a tortured soul would not spend eternity tortured. God certainly would love and understand what would drive someone to such a drastic decision. (My opinion)

I think, and I could be wrong, that your husband's physical pain and problems got too big for him to handle. Constant pain, day in and day out, in my experience...especially neck pain, gets to the soul, more than other pain. (I have arthritis in my neck, after 4 whiplashes, had two back to back neck surgeries, and still wear Fentanyl patches.)

He might have felt like he never woke up feeling refreshed or renewed, and never would. Some people can handle the thought of never being pain free, and some can't.

You won't be the "okay" that you were before he left, but I think you will find a new kind of
"okay". It will take time, and the year of "firsts" is the worst. I am glad you are writing out your feelings, and "coming here" for support.

I am only just now getting to "know" you, but I can already tell that you are a very strong and courageous woman! Being a paramedic takes a VERY SPECIAL kind of person, and I believe it is a "calling".

You HAVE to be brave, and have a HUGE heart for people! I worked in the medical field for over 25 years, and I KNOW I could never have handled even ONE day in that position. You did it for YEARS!!!

Now, you must learn how to do "self-care"and that is REALLY HARD for MANY people who are caregivers. It's so much easier to care for others than it is for us to take care of ourselves. Having PTSD makes that even worse, in my opinion.

I can't say that I have experienced anything like you have, but I CAN say, that if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you WILL reach a "new" life. It won't happen fast, and there will be days where you WON'T be able to "move" enough to take ANY steps, but you WILL get better! You WILL feel better! You won't "get over" your loss, but instead, there will be a place in your heart where he, and the pain he has caused will find a "resting place."

I know that sounds impossible, but I believe it with ALL MY HEART! He could not comprehend what he was doing to you.

From what I have read in your posts, it seems he carried emotional pain from his childhood, which did not teach him ANY coping skills for "real life". Add to that, having an emotionally draining job, then being in constant physical pain, "sunk" any and ALL of his life "skills" into a churning whirlpool of despair. He truly thought you would be better off without him. He was HORRIBLY wrong, Desperately wrong, and he couldn't see through that darkness. He couldn't see YOU.

I am SO SAD for you, and my heart aches, knowing that someone who you loved, couldn't really see you. He couldn't FEEL your love, and know that you loved him unconditionally, flaws and all. :hug: :hug:

As I write this, I am praying, that somehow you will know that you are CARED for, and you are NOT ALONE! I know it feels that way now, but one day, some day, you WON'T feel this bad!

You are more than welcome to pm me, and I will do whatever I can, to help you feel less alone. Maybe there is nothing I can say or do, but I AM praying that you will be comforted, in your spirit, when you need it the most.

Prayers, peace, and (((hugs)))
AKJ

 

[Tinyflame]

Tin sounds like he wants you to have the Christmas lights on @Medic72 , if you know what I mean.

:hug::hug::hug: Xox

 

[anonymous]

He definitely is there medic. I wanted to tell you that - I believed that when I first read the news. I think he misses you and is sorry.

 

[NarcSis]

I went out and bought new Christmas lights for the tree last night and after my sister and I struggled to take the dead ones off of a decorated tree, we started carefully feeding in the new ones. About halfway done my sister says, "You checked to see if these work, right?" And I said, "they're brand new!" So she plugged them in - the blue ones didn't work!!! Broken set! Uggh.

I said, "Maybe he doesn't want lights on the tree this year."

I've been dreaming of him recently; last night he was there although I can't remember the dream. His brother was there again too which is odd since I rarely have contact with his family anymore (everything is going back to "normal"). Anyway, one of the dreams turned to a nightmare because I woke up with my jaw clamped tight and my repaired tooth aching. I was afraid I'd fractured it because I was told it could be easily fractured now. Still don't understand why I couldn't get the mouth guard I was approved for. Sigh. I may have to dig out my crappy mouth guard again.

I had a therapy appointment yesterday, 1,1/2hrs of crying, hearing grief control advice, being instructed to thought correct and practice acceptance. I sat and tried to explain the depth and enormity of what this feels like - it's like a boulder falling on you but you can't see just how big that boulder is until you try to stop it from crushing you. It's much much bigger than what you see and you feel like you're going to die.

Suicide grief isn't a normal grief. That death isn't a normal death even though there are thousands of people who die this way EACH DAY all around the world. You'd think there would be an easier way to help people with this by now because this has been going on my entire life. Suicide is not in any way an uncommon occurrence in life. The reactions of those left behind should have a standard of care by now.

I don't know how many times I've been told that he was not himself, knowing this doesn't make this easier to swallow. Of course he wasn't himself, he was sleep deprived, in pain, being doubted and in an emotional crisis. No one is reasonable in that state. No one is themselves in that state. He killed himself and that will never be acceptable to me. Never.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Medic)))
I agree with you, that suicide grief is NOT a "normal" grief. There is a HUGE component of shock and loss, as well as the self blame that survivors deal with.

There is a constant struggle with questions about what you could have said or done to stop what happened, and wondering if it's your fault.

From what I have seen, survivors of suicide, ALL the loved ones, even friends and acquaintances, wonder if they "missed" some sign that could have stopped the person from making that choice. The "fallout" is VERY widespread, even effecting people who may not have been all that close to the victim.

I think that for YOU, the pain has been magnified tremendously, because you have had NUMEROUS suicide "successes" by people in your field and specific department.
That makes your "window view" REALLY HUGE, so that you see and feel the grief over and beyond the "normal" grief.

There really SHOULD be a standard of care, specifically tailored to survivors of suicide. The professionals don't even know how to handle that kind of grief. You, with your writing ability could literally write a book addressing these facts.

It's not like ANY other death...not even close!
NO other deaths are BY CHOICE! Cancer, heart attacks, car accidents...there is rarely any guilt considered to be warranted.

I know there is nothing that I, or anyone else can say that will soften the pain that you are dealing with.

Just know, if possible, that you are cared for, here, by those of us who have gotten to know you through your writing. The way that you write is VERY captivating, and clearly conveys who you are as a person! An AWESOME person who has had WAY TOO MUCH thrown at her! I can't even imagine how I would be functioning!

All that being said... I am sending you prayers of peace and encouragement. I will remember you frequently as the holidays keep coming, along with the first anniversary of your hubby's death. I can't say that it will get better, but I CAN say that you WILL make it through! You are NOT ALONE!

Maybe physically there is no one sitting next to you, but here, in this "virtual" world, at least for me, I am sitting with you having coffee, LISTENING, and handing you tissues as you cry, and giving you a (((hug))) when you need one!:hug: :hug:

Peace, Hugs, and Prayers :tup:

 

[anonymous]

I hope your mouth guard is safe with no loose bits, please make sure, because I wear an old one and a big chunk came off in my sleep, lucky not to choke on it :(

It's odd how the new lights were not working, it could really be his energy is around and causing these things. I remember one Christmas I was talking with a friend about her mother who had passed recently and after a while I said "shall I switch the fairy lights off?" and the very next second, they switched off on their own. I said "I think your mum is here"

I really do believe he is with you

Best wishes

 

[NarcSis]

Our tree has light again. I hope it can stay that way. Now the house seems cold, especially our bedroom and especially since I turned the heat up a full degree when my sister got here! He's here somewhere, I have to believe it.

Fb showed me a memory from last year this morning. It was the pics I took on our picnic last year when we hiked in to the park. He's sitting at the picnic table, there's no snow at all, he's holding a sandwich and smiling the most amazing smile. That was a whole year ago already. This does not seem like a year - he was just here!!

I can't feel him gone. I still can't. I remember a story he used to tell about his grandmother, how after her husband died she sort of lost touch with reality, telling everyone he'd gone off to war again even though the war was over. She refused to accept he was dead and she convinced herself that he'd just gone back to the war. I feel like that some days; "he's at work" or "he's on a training course". He just never seems to come back from there and all I want is for him to just come home!

My nephew used to call him Tin-Man from his favorite movie, The Wizard of Oz (my nephew is autistic). He loved my husband. Yesterday while we were out my sister and I just happened to go into one store on a whim and there inside they had the entire Wizard of Oz collection Christmas ornaments. Of course, there was no doubt, I had to get the Tin-Man to put on our tree. I placed it right next to the personalized ornament with his name on it that my sister had made for us last year.

We were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to last forever. We were supposed to stay together.

:(

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

A year ago today husband and I went for a hike/picnic in the park. It was warm, he was happy; we shared a sandwich. The weather was beautiful. Today, my sister, the dog and I hiked into the same park. It was cold, everything covered in snow and nothing like the hike last year.

I still look for him. I pray that I'll see him or just catch even the tiniest glimpse.

I went to the garage this evening and half expected to see him there, searching through his things from his car. A car that doesn't exist anymore.

I unplugged the Christmas lights and thought, "He's just at work, that's why he's not here, he'll be home.."

My sister goes back tomorrow. I can't wait and yet, I don't want her to go. I can't wait to get back to my and the dogs routine but at the same time, the silence is what I dread.

The dog may improve though - he's startling at every shadow!

We need our routine. I need my Tin.