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  1. beaneeboo

    How to break shame cycle re my role in csa

    Interesting that it helped you. That makes sense from a having no one to stick up for you. At the time when T suggested it, I immediately had a bit of a threat response as I thought it would make the part/ voice stronger which I'd have to deal with, without him alone. But this part has...
  2. beaneeboo

    How to break shame cycle re my role in csa

    I love this... One of my abusers (not overtly sexual, but covertly and highly emotionally abusive) was my dad's partner. I think the image you've used here is perfect for her. She had such vitriol towards me growing up from very young. And although she's in her mid 80s now, part of me is still...
  3. beaneeboo

    How did you finally accept your abuse happened AND who did it to you?

    I haven't really. I very much relate to alot you say here and can't offer too many words of wisdom I'm sorry. I had a bad relationship in my teens with him. I was very scared of going to stay with him (parents were divorced) but I thought my feelings were wrong because I was 'mistaken'...
  4. beaneeboo

    How to break shame cycle re my role in csa

    Thanks @arfie ... this is interesting to me because my own therapists, and I hear generally on the grape vine, that we should be treating those more difficult voices/ parts with understanding (they played an important protector role), and to try to treat them with compassion... my own T...
  5. beaneeboo

    How to break shame cycle re my role in csa

    TThanks @Sideways .. Yeah I think this is the bit I'm struggling with... the part which logic and understanding doesn't reach... it's like 'Sorry, different part of the brain here. Don't hear or understand what this explanation is'. That driving force you're talking of is the hard one to...
  6. beaneeboo

    How to break shame cycle re my role in csa

    Been deliberating whether to think about this, let alone post about it. But it keeps surfacing and knocking at my door strongly in the last 3 days. Think it is because I read about the need to accept when abuse happens to you. That it's abuse. If only parts of it were that simple. I have one...
  7. beaneeboo

    T has broken my trust

    This is great 😊 I think you're doing great... Just keep going, one step at a time... and if you have a bad day, just remember to tell yourself, it's just that. Just 1 bad day. Everyone has bad days. And things do evolve and change. Easier said than done. But you're already doing the hard...
  8. beaneeboo

    What Games Are You Playing?

    Oooh you know about... I'm going to look up some of the ones I haven't heard of... thanks!
  9. beaneeboo

    What Games Are You Playing?

    Thanks! I'm going to give it a go... May have to look up an instructional video on YouTube 🤣 Always up for a new card game!!
  10. beaneeboo

    What Games Are You Playing?

    I'm going to show my age and complete inability with anything technical. I love card games. My fav atm is 'SHITHEAD' - it's fast and clever and requires a bit of strategy... Is that boring? 🤣
  11. beaneeboo

    What Are You Grateful For Today?

    I'm grateful for this community who continue to support even when I'm ready to throw everything in... there's so much wisdom here... and so much genuine want to help... it's a beautiful thing... it really is a great example of community...
  12. beaneeboo

    Collaborative Storytelling: Building a Plot Together

    For a moment, it was almost terrifying. But then one of the cats...
  13. beaneeboo

    Our cats

    Just hanging out on the kitchen table looking innocent, when in fact, she was just caught eating left over spaghetti (literally caught with a long string of it coming out her mouth) 🤣🤣
  14. beaneeboo

    Last movie or tv series you watched?

    NYAD one of the most inspiring true stories I've ever seen... a must watch. Main character was sexually abused by her coach, but it only touches on this. It wasn't massively triggering for me. But I think makes her story all the more incredible
  15. beaneeboo

    Other Accountability thread: back pain treatment and ptsd/fibro

    This all sounds positive! I'd be interested to hear how the online thing goes ....
  16. beaneeboo

    Email fallout with T - need advice please

    So I know I'm ill, sleep deprived and cranky, and maybe this is not a good time to write, but these thoughts and feelings are here now. So I'm going to get them down. May be useful for me later on. I'm struggling with the fact that the focus of my / our work so far last session has been on...
  17. beaneeboo

    Email fallout with T - need advice please

    Thank you for your posts @Midnightmoon ... I actually think you have a very clear way of communicating...I thought that about your last post too, though you yourself seemed to be a bit less confident in your writing... you have a logical, clear way of getting your thoughts across - there's no...
  18. beaneeboo

    Email fallout with T - need advice please

    Yup 🙄 Thank you. I'm struggling with the validity thing. But I guess I'm not making it up. I did dissociate badly and I didn't think I would. So I guess it is valid. Just wish I could feel it. You are right. I'm not going to lie though, part of the issue, and this may be contributing to some...
  19. beaneeboo

    Email fallout with T - need advice please

    So I went somewhere yesterday... not sure where but not really somewhere I'd care to go again... think I'd convinced myself that doing the session would be fine. Then the dissociation happened and on top of that I have a chest infection (with fever etc), so I'm just over all a bit spent. I...
  20. beaneeboo

    Email fallout with T - need advice please

    So I went to T tonight ... I'm not going to reply fully about this now as I need more time to sit and write properly ... But essentially, I made it through the door and sat there for the whole session... it didn't go as partially planned because, as previously predicted, I did dissociate for...
  21. beaneeboo

    T has broken my trust

    I know very well the pain involved in trying to understand the meaning behind a therapist's actions when they aren't predictable or have changed in some way (esp suddenly)... so I really feel you.. My take: if he said he would call and didn't, that needs to be acknowledged and addressed as...
  22. beaneeboo

    Email fallout with T - need advice please

    that's great.. he must really respect you! that's interesting... I think a few people have had similar experiences and feel like you, given all the amazing advice on this thread... it's definitely helped me to see it's more than just a current dispute and has potential for learning and...
  23. beaneeboo

    Email fallout with T - need advice please

    I did let him know in a previous email that was a concern ... so he has some awareness ..I guess we'll just have to see what happens... I've been so up and down i feel it really does depend on the day/ the moment ... Thanks for sharing this... one part of me knows this is what needs to happen...
  24. beaneeboo

    Email fallout with T - need advice please

    Uuuggghhh! You've summed it UP totally 100%
  25. beaneeboo

    Email fallout with T - need advice please

    Yeah, gonna try, but not convinced it's gonna go that way lols 😳.. gonna try to do the least amount possible...!!!
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