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I was being careful. Very careful.

Wow, joeylittle; thank you for your thoughtful response. I used to be super on-point with sleep hygiene, but with my body memories and other stuff getting worse that's gone to the wayside. When I'm about to fall asleep and my body jolts me awake, I know I won't be able to even attempt sleep...

Thank you, Rumors, for getting back to me and giving me the specifics on things you've found helpful. I am going to check-out the website, and look into getting the books. Thank you for the peace, too. Sending you warm thoughts.?

Well, that thought is even scarier, because that means anyone or everyone is a potential violent assailant. If someone can hide that so well, for years in various contexts, then the world is truly a dangerous place. What is the point then, if anyone could snap and attack me?

Not sure I am understanding what you are trying to say.

I'm very familiar with all of that research. It just doesn't add-up in my case. People who aren't abusive, somehow become abusive toward me.

None. He wasn't the kind of person to fly off the handle. He dealt with things head-on, was able to express his emotions. Heck, he was the 1st person I have ever felt comfortable enough with to cry. He was really helping to support me opening up about my childhood assaults and rape. He...

Hi, somerandomguy. I'm sorry you ex-wife abused you like that. I'm glad you were able to leave. If it were just one person, I might be persuaded. But seriously, I can't count the number of people who have abused me. (I tried listing them, but I don't know all of their names, so it became...

But it still doesn't add-up. How can someone go from kind, loving, supportive to strangling in a split second? My psychologist insist there had to be warning signs, but I've analyzed the f*ck out of our relationship, and can't find any. It's so confusing.

I get that you believe what you are saying, but it doesn't make sense any other way. Everything I've read about domestic / intimate partner violence indicates that people just don't one day strangle someone, they commit other acts of violence first. Everything I read said this. So, it makes...

Thank you for being patient. Here's the issue, I know all about child development and tons of information related to learning, trauma, and stuff. Without saying too much to identify my profession , I used to (I am on disability, now) work with young children, and spent years learning how to...

@Ronin You mentioned that you've had some people figure out your real-life identity. If I may ask, how did that go? Were they people who experienced CSA, too? I'm just wondering.

That's good! Sounds like you stood-up for youself. That's a gigantic step in a healthy direction. I'm so happy for you. ☺?

There is a part of my brain that understands and knows what you are saying is true. However, there is this other part of me, in my heart maybe, that just doesn't think all those truths apply to me. I've always been better at helping other people than I've been at helping myself. I just don't...

You are more than welcome. I'm glad I could help. What, because there are evil people in the world, your mom expects you to not wear shorts? Or open a window for fresh air? At least you were able to recognize how unhealthy her statements are. I think that is a very good sign. It's okay...

Hi, rumor. I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you angry. Thank you for putting up with me, and trying to help. I really do appreciate it. As far as the trauma diary thing, l am writing tons of pages every day in my journal trying to purge all the things I have kept stuffed down all these years...

I understand what your saying, but i've been judged by various mental heath professionals on multiple occasions, and they are trained on being objective. So, it's a little hard to believe that regular people won't do the same. Sometimes I just feel like there must be something intrinsically...

Hi, Ronin. Thank you for the thoughtful response. I have found my body position really does impact my "natural" breathing pattern. Interesting idea you suggested mixing up breathing and changing positions. I will try to be more mindful of this during the day. Hopefully, I can figure...

Hi, Friday. Thanks for the reply. I'm taking the Prazosin with Xanax, and I took them at the same time. So, I probably should have mentioned that. (Monday, my psychiatrist wants to talk about tapering off the Xanax. I'm praying he has an alternative plan.) I have considered the trauma...

It's okay. That suggestion works for some people, I'm sure. I ended-up playing words with friends, and I was so sleepy that after several words, I put the phone down. I tried to sleep, and got about three hours. So not too bad. I counted the black splotches against the white ceiling tiles...

I'm still awake. The sun will rise soon, and I will have had another sleepless night. Sorry, I realize I am misusing this thread, but I don't know what else to do at this point. I'm having such a miserable time with this. I need my body to settle-down enough, so I can fall asleep. Don't know...

Hi, rumor. Thank you for responding. Your first suggestion is too scary for me. Long story needed to explain, and way to personal for a forum post. These rape-like sensations would get connected to any book or movie I'd use to try to distract myself. I tried bathing, earlier, because it...

I am unable to sleep tonight. I took the Prazosin over five hours ago, and still no sleep. This is torture. No one else is awake, because it's the f*cking middle of the night. I am alone with my body feeling like it's being violated. I've been trying to ignore these messed-up sensations, by...

Hi, Truthful_whispers. Thanks for your suggestions. Sleep is something I crave. If only I could calm myself enough to drift into a refreshing sleep. Hugs. ?

Hi, Survivor3! I love your post, because it brought to mind something I used to say to my son. I used to say, "hugs; no drugs," when I would say goodbye to my son in the morning. This was how I handled his phase in which he was too old to hug his mom. Now he's an adult, and somehow no longer...