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That's good to hear. Yeah, I have a friend that is a firefighter. He's the same age. He just bought a house. With "white picket fence" I was just referring to a stable middle class job. I get the vibe that relationships are more informal as opposed to strictly routine which would make the job...

I think I don't know how to not beat myself up over my past mistakes. It seems like I'm incapable of redeeming myself because I messed too many things up.

I honestly don't know. I think talking about it. Whenever I do try to take a step, a voice says, "No, you're not allowed to be normal". I've made many mistakes in the past. I was doing well in college until I had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't stand seeing my older brother on drugs and I passed...

True. That's why I like this forum. I know that everyone has problems. I'm just stating mine because I've been "sucking it up" for six years and haven't gotten very far otherwise I'd stick to that approach. I know that it's up to me but it's hard if it feels like 10,000 knives are in your brain...

I'm glad that you got better after therapy. I like opening up on this forum because it's online as opposed to in person. I have told people about my past and think that it was too much for them. It's hard for people to relate if they haven't been through trauma. My outlook is a "too many things...

I honestly don't like talking about my past because it feels like I'm downgrading myself and people will judge me in a negative and stand-offish way. However, for some reason I have the desire to.

Bell, I don't believe that the perpetrators are better than me. Usually, I am able to let go what was inflicted by other people because holding on is unproductive. However, for some odd reason my emotions are stuck with a couple people. My brain is telling me, "They did too much." That is why I...

I was in therapy for 12 weeks. It helped but made me feel like a broken person trying to put himself back together. Also, I felt like if I did do this the fixed me wouldn't be as strong as the pre-broken me. I, too want to show them that I can rise above them. I have an opportunity right now...

I'm pretty sure that there is no other alternative than to hurt those that violated me. They laugh at the fact that I have not attacked them and are happy to label me as weak. I cut out my family because they intentionally pushed my buttons. Now, things aren't the same. I'm seen as the bad guy...

Thanks for the responses. The reason it's so hard letting go is that I always feel like I'm not 100%. My abuser always tried to make me feel like I wasn't good enough. The part of me that was open and explorative was attacked. It seems like he understood it and went to town. Now, there's an...

Maybe holding onto pain is a lifestyle. Personally, when I was at my best I didn't hold on to pain or trauma. However, so many people attacked emotionally that it was like I gave into their negativity. Holding onto that negativity is what perpetuates my PTSD. Maybe, if we don't hold on to the...

This popped up, but you're walking in the fire. The way to not do so is to jump out. Trying to defeat it won't do anything because you believe there is something wrong with you. I'm just explaining what I'm visualizing which could be the right answer.

I've noticed that a defense mechanism is working that causes me to avoid enjoying the moment or feeling comfortable and content with myself. If my mind enters a state of rest and acceptance suddenly the subconscious mind causes me to do something. Some actions include shifting focus...

I'm not going to accept not being mentally normal. PTSD is like a virus that deforms thought processes. I have it because I didn't defend myself when I needed to.

I know that PTSD has made me a different person. It's a person that I shouldn't be. I KNOW this. I know what feeling normal is. I know that people will say that I'm the person I am now because of what I've learned and it's a "good" thing. However, this person still isn't who I'm supposed to be...

Solara, I'm not in therapy right now. I went for 12 weeks. I know that that doesn't seem like much. I might go back. However, my support system (i.e. friends) are definitely helping me at the moment.

Reestablishing a relationship with him is not an option. His ridicule was so harsh that I almost committed suicide. The only reason I lived with him for so long was because both of our parents passed away and he was asking me for help. I haven't beaten him to a pulp because most people say that...

True

I'm aware that I was treated as an object. There is a depressing and intrusive feeling that validates it. I didn't want to accept that I was being used for three years until I finally broke. I disconnected contact with my older brother for six years but the horrible feeling is still there. I'm...

I used to have a confident and stable view of myself. However, for about three years I lived with my drug addict brother. Both of my parents passed away and we had to help each other. Surprisingly, he was uncaring and negative. I tried my best to tell him that living a sober life is the only...

It's ironic that whenever I try to do something repressed thoughts attack. When I was working, a voice would be saying, "You saw your mom die in the hospital and you dad dead in your house. You can't be normal. You've been through more than the average person and you are irreparable." I'm 27 and...

The best way I can describe how my mind works is that there is a tidal wave of memories being blocked by a huge wall. I can't get rid of it because the wall will not break. So, the pressure continues to build. Sooner or later, this wave of memories has to come into my conscious mind. I think it...

Sorry about your husband's passing. I haven't tried EMDR. It has been recommended.

Yes, I have a small support system in my home city. However, there are so many traumatic memories. Also, a few people that treated me unfairly still live here (my older brother and uncle). Five years ago, I moved to Minneapolis for a month and it was amazing. However, my mental state was still...

I agree with you, WillThereBeCake. I notice that no matter what I do, my brain is motivating me to leave my home city. No matter how rationally I see things, the feeling is there. This feeling causes me to not be able to focus 100% on anything. I practically never can finish anything 100%. If I...