Recovering Yourself. Who I'm Not Won't Suffice

[Thinkingman85]

I know that PTSD has made me a different person. It's a person that I shouldn't be. I KNOW this. I know what feeling normal is. I know that people will say that I'm the person I am now because of what I've learned and it's a "good" thing. However, this person still isn't who I'm supposed to be. This is the PTSD self. It's not me. Last night, I went to a friend's house and hung out. Someone there said, "Who's this dude that would kick my ass?" I didn't even say anything but my body language makes people intimidated. I don't want to be this person. My peers know that I'm not the same and there is something wrong with me. Many of them don't associate with me anymore because they know that I'm a lost cause. Has anyone completely recovered themselves? I'm not settling for being a person that I'm not meant to be.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

If I understand, I agree. I feel like the real me is still in there, buried by years of trauma and reactive patterns and disconnectedness. But he still exists.

Integration is key to healing trauma (as I've read and understand it), but I think the goal is to integrate bad memories so they no longer dominate your existence, and in that sense can become just memories, freeing you to move on. And maybe then the "real you" can be more there?

 

[Flyaway]

Thinkingman, I think your right you won't ever be completely the same... But that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm a firm believer that everyone has something unique and special to give to this world. PTSD just means that your journey may be changed, and you need to rethink the best way to live your life and maybe even the type of people you want to hang out with in the future.

People who treat you as a lost cause are ignorant. It's not your fault you have PTSD and you don't deserve to be treated like you are to blame.

I hope you start feeling a bit better soon.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I'm not going to accept not being mentally normal. PTSD is like a virus that deforms thought processes. I have it because I didn't defend myself when I needed to.

 

[Flyaway]

You blame yourself? ...do you understand why you didn't defend yourself? ...have you heard of the lizard brain? its described as man's first brain - the primitive brain. Its located at the top of the spine, quite small- but vital to our survival. It's responsible for telling our bodies what to do and when - its in control of our automatic responses, including; fight, flight, or freeze (if I stand here still enough, maybe no one will see me...)

Sometimes it helps to be completely honest and say exactly what it is that is tormenting you so much. There are people on this site who have been where you are now, and who have moved past feeling this way. That includes me... I froze many times during sexual assault. I realised over time that the fookers that hurt me growing up, conditioned me to feel like it was pointless fighting back. So, I would scream in my head, I would cry on the inside, I would pray that they would stop, I would dissociate. I've got no doubts that there is a good, valid reason for why you didn't defend yourself.

The other thing I wanted to say is that there is not one person on this earth who is mentally normal - there is no such thing. Everyone is effected by life experiences/conditions one way or another. PTSD does change things drastically, and can be frightening and feel unbearable... but I am learning that it gives me a unique perspective.

I have something unique to give to this world, and so do you. You couldn't fight before, and you got hurt... now is the time to gather your courage and fight for yourself now. You can do it! You deserve it.

 

[Spiderallis]

PTSD is like a virus that deforms thought processes. I have it because I didn't defend myself when I needed to.

The second sentence is an example of the first- I hope you realize that. Many of us feel guilt or shame about what happened. It helps me to remember "This is an ordinary reaction to extremely not-ordinary situations and events."

From this and your other threads, I know you're not a 'lost cause'. There's a wonderful person twinkling through between the lines. It takes time to find those pieces of who we really are under the mess that trauma left behind. It's like rebuilding after a tornado or something. Between the boards that snapped in the storm, there's treasures that made it through- like the people who find their old photo albums safe and sound when they clear away where the roof fell in. The lasting parts of what made you who you were are still there. Some things will change, but the core of your being is more durable than that. It's still there.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for the responses. The reason it's so hard letting go is that I always feel like I'm not 100%. My abuser always tried to make me feel like I wasn't good enough. The part of me that was open and explorative was attacked. It seems like he understood it and went to town. Now, there's an automatic response that causes the loving part of me to restrict in fear as if I'm not allowed. If I want to learn new things the "no, you're not allowed!" message pops up. It sickens me how I was conditioned. My brother definitely is a narcissist. That's why it's so hard to just walk away. My being, my spirit, was attacked. That is one of the worst things a human being can do.

 

[Flyaway]

It is really difficult to understand how someone could do something like this hu? The reason it's difficult is because you're a good person!

Something I am learning to do, is when destructive messages pop into my head from past abusers, I recognise it for what it is and then say it again in a silly voice. The more ridiculous the voice, the more effective... So maybe next time the "no, you're not allowed" pops into your head, say it like the Cookie Monster would or choose a voice from a cartoon villain. Make fun of it- minimise the impact of it! :happy: Hope this helps!