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Sufferer hey, i'm recovering from two decades of CSA and it's been wild

justaperson

New Here
hey. so yeah, i guess you could say i had my "felt it the second my pre-frontal cortex fully developed" moment and spontaneously uncovered some dark, deeply repressed trauma. i'm 25 now, was 24 when it hit me. i'd struggled very heavily with mental health my whole life, and the past few years it was getting worse and worse - i'd dropped out of my grad program in my last semester, had to quit my teaching job, was about to lose my apartment, and my symptoms were just out of control. i'd tried an outpatient program, talk therapy, psilocybin - all were beneficial, and gave me some tools that would really come in handy later, but still i was getting worse. the one good thing was getting engaged to my partner, which was the catalyst for me to decide to stop talking to my parents for a while. i really didn't know it'd be permanent. because of my amazing partner and the work i'd been doing on myself, and the separation from my family, i think my body felt safer than it ever had, and so i was sitting in bed reading a book and a certain line triggered a memory that i'd always had, but thought it was a dream, and suddenly i just knew it wasn't a dream. it was a crazy experience. every single day since that moment has been shocking and painful beyond anything i could ever imagine. the realizations just keep coming.

basically the first two decades of my life involved continuous csa by multiple perpetrators, two from my immediate family, and intense, malicious psychological abuse. it's a lot. like, it's some f*cked up shit. and i had no idea. i've been so severely dissociated my whole life, was even drugged several times. over the past year i've been processing all of this for the first time, and in the process i have lost everything and everyone, besides my partner, who's been going through a similar thing. we've really managed to keep showing up for ourselves and each other; there's so much love in my life and i couldn't be more grateful or surprised, but besides her and our cats, i really mean it when i say i have nothing and no one else left. i suddenly was able to see things so clearly, so even friends had to be let go of because i realized they'd been treating me like shit. others i just couldn't keep up with, just like work and school, so i lost everything. it's rock bottom in a way that feels impossible to come back from, sometimes. there's a lot of hope, too, i mean i'm finally free, and i'm grateful for that. i really am. i genuinely want a happy life and i'm willing to work for it. i'm working so hard, and doing so well, in spite of everything, but it's challenging beyond words, and i don't have anyone to talk to besides my partner and my therapist. and tbh, i need a new therapist. i'm looking into EMDR. anyway.

i have autism. adhd. ocd. (c)ptsd. and ever since that day 1 year and almost 2 months ago, it's all just. bam! just hit me. it was gradual for a while, and then suddenly i broke. the burnout has been unreal. the flashbacks have been unreal, the dissociation, the fibromyalgia, the paranoia, the hormonal changes. i have so many symptoms and conditions it can sound ridiculous sometimes, but it's true, and honestly it makes sense. my life has been like straight out of a true crime documentary. there's always been a lot under the surface and i've finally just. unraveled. i'm having to completely rebuild my sense of self and my life as a whole. it's a huge task.

anyway. believe me when i say i'm doing -everything- i can to heal and process and finally put myself first. i have a lot of information, resources, tools at my disposal. and someone who loves me. and an actual relationship with myself. and there are some trauma therapies i'm hopeful about. but it takes time and i'm frustrated and i'm in pain and my life has been full of so much suffering for so long and i'm just sick of waiting. i'm sick of the intensity of it all. and i'm sick of the isolation, but forming new friendships hasn't been in the cards yet. and that's okay. it's coming. but. i need -something-. i guess that's why i'm here. just to feel a little less alone.

thanks for letting me ramble.
 
Welcome to the forum. Hopefully the resources here are helpful to your recovery, but if nothing else? You have a community here. If you’re starting from scratch? You have a community.

Looking forward to seeing you claim back the rest of the stuff in your life that you want for yourself:)
 
hello justa. welcome to the forum. rambling allowed. it helps with the sorting.

"trauma induced amnesia" was my first official psych dx in 1974 when i was 19 years old. i had repressed the memories of my entire childhood. combat ptsd was still being called, "shell shock" and csa was still being called, "unmentionable, winky wink." when my shrink first delivered this dx, i couldn't understand why he was saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. i couldn't remember my childhood, but i knew my birth family well enough to be sure that childhood was worth forgetting.

it took another 15 years of epic nightmares and psychotic breaks for me to understand why my shrinks kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. i had continued psychotherapy, but didn't take that messy remembering foolishness seriously until i had children in the juvenile justice system and a business that was falling apart at the seams. what a long, strange trip that recovery has been. works still in progress, but ? ? ? is it a silver lining that i am the only senior citizen i know whose memory is improving with age?

just rambling. . .

i mostly wanted to welcome you aboard. healing happens. hope it happens to you.
 
Welcome! I also had repressed csa memories that when recovered caused me to shatter and my life to fall apart. Also had to build my self from scratch. I’m six years on and a different person. Blessings and courage to you!
 
thank you guys so much for your replies. it's so helpful to read about other people's healing journeys and how different it is for every individual. also just knowing that other people have been through the kind of stuff i've been through and come out the other side. you just never hear about this kind of thing. anyway, thanks for the welcome :)
 
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