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I have been lucky enough to have my gynecologist send me to women's physical therapy. There is a kind female physical therapist there who helped me find massage spots for muscles in the hips that may be part of the cause for it. I had surgery last November for hysterectomy and rectocyle repair...

Feeling endless

That after an entire month where I had lost sight of what feeling balanced was like I've started having a few days I feel in control. The loss of control shows me I have taken this peaceful time where I'm not deeply depressed or manic for granted.

Hadn't thought of that. He'd never pick up on my name which is a combo of two characters I played in a game years ago. I was 44 when I first came here. Asking him to maybe come here back then was just me trying to fix things that weren't broken in my life. And of course my diary here is...

If you place a thing into the center of your life That lacks the power to nourish It will eventually poison everything that you are And destroy you. Song : Lion Tamer by Faithless

I'm sitting here writing while my husband of 22 years cooks breakfast. He loves me more than I feel I deserve. I don't know if he will be allowed in the room or not but even if he is I have to answer my aprn's questions truthfully. "Are you self harming? Suicidal thoughts? " all the fun...

I'm working on it. Money situation is now better. I misjudged him. When something gets worse I expect to be rejected and don't know what to do when I'm loved instead. We talked last night and he's going with me for my new med appointment. I expected him to react to yet another thing mentally...

@Deanna she divorced him when I was 10. I was maybe 6 or 7 when the car event happened. So many other things happened before the divorce. Things like him driving and saying he was going to drive into a tree and kill us all on our way home from church. Maybe that one was the last straw for her...

@Mee ill see if I can get that for him. I told him if he had questions that this site had a lot of info and a supporters section when I was here years ago. He's never gone here though.

@Tinyflame I'm the same way , got to fix things etc. Maybe my sense of disaster control is way over where it should be here. I get worried he will reject me. Possibly based on how my parents treated me. I'm not giving him credit or much information expecting the worst outcome when I finally...

I know I have complex ptsd from diagnosis a few years ago. Its this other set of things that has my head a mess and I can't figure out what to do with his " but why?" A lot to think about and figure out. And some times its as if he forgot we talked about all of this before. And now something...

I am just relaxing today. For the first day in a month I feel like myself again.I'm hoping this lasts. I feel like today I could deal with diagnosis day and new meds. I'd say I'm fine but this mess can all come back. And what if next time it's worse and lasts longer.

Ok probably not the best idea then. Thank you. I talked about things years ago when all of this came back to bite me. If I was symptomatic at all it was nothing like this and 5 years ago. I had a guy ask me out when I was 18. He'd come back from being in war. I said no because of the look on...

He doesn't understand how I suppressed the things I went through. My therapists explanation to me about that is that the brain was trying to protect itself from damage. Was good enough for me but sometimes it seems not enough for him to fully understand where I've been and how I lived. Where...

Toxic

F F F F F. I fat this so many times a day now. I feel so screwed. I just get myself together mostly and your F ing Sh*t comes up. F U for making my mother right. Making me more your daughter with what I feel as your rage, your unbalanced mind is part of mine now. You mind f*cked us all and...

Abuse

Turkey. Ham on holidays brings my parents back to me. A day at the beach or a day in bed with peace and quiet?

@Lionheart777. Good luck getting those down. @MrMoonlight hoping you get sleep tonight and have a good day. @blackemerald1. Hope you stay safe. Hugs. I just finished a short yoga DVD I used to watch 5 years ago when I was getting sober. I was in better shape back then it seems because I'm...

@Deanna thankfully I'm not working. I'm in process with a disability office here to help me get one. It takes a while so I have time to fall apart. Just had a kitty massage from Cinnabon. Feeling like I'm closer to balance. Trying to start this off as a new day after a hurricane. Clean...

Yeah. Therapist gave me a caution tell your husband just in case. I don't bs her on anything and I'm in touch every day. But even someone who feel they are strong enough can loose it. Been there. Done that. I'm reaching out for help. And doubling sessions with my therapist for a bit. I can't...

Talked to my aprn. Have new apointment on the 26th. Its 43 mins from here and I'm taking my husband with me. I can't go alone. I'm stable. Still sober and I'm not going to harm myself. Yet the aprn mentioned getting checked at er before then. I haven't told my husband yet. We can't afford...

Just got back from my therapist. We went over my current symptoms and my concerns that its bipolar and why. I was feeling buzzed and things I'd normally be embarrassed to tell anyone I didn't feel embarrassed at all. How bad is it when she says I don't need to be hospitalized YET. We can't...

Shame , regret, feeling like you've been a total a** to anyone who cares for you. Yes a whole list of bad feelings about an attempt. Try to go easy on yourself for it. Every day you have lived past that is the hard part. Congratulations you survived that's the important thing. Hugs if you...

Yep the first major head blowing up nightmare sideways. Somehow this didn't go completely sideways till I was 43. I didn't know what this was. Flashbacks almost constant sometimes. Thought I'd learned most of everything id need to carry on the last time I was here. Theres still more it seems.