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Thank you. And thanks for reminding me too. It is ugly.

Last time I had considered suicide what stopped me was the fact that it’s ugly. I didn’t want to die while in agony and darkness. And I was later glad that I didn’t. What is stopping me now is technical difficulties. Just thinking rationally about it it’s hard. I wish there was a giant clown...

I think I feel similarly so I know how I feel. I don’t know if it’s what you feel. In some ways it feels like a natural reaction. It doesn’t mean I’m going to follow through. I just want what I feel to end.

No I am going to. I’ve never been to the hospital for these types of situation. I guess I was wondering what the best of the worst options are. I will no longer engage because I have actually seen now that this is getting him sympathy and support. In fact I almost feel like this is on purpose...

And now I’m okay again. It’s like a switch. I know the more days I go without seeing him the better I feel. I screwed up and talked to him up last friday. if I had not done that I probably would be doing better now. It’s always okay a little initially. Which makes me think it’s a tool I can use...

I’m embarrassing myself in public. I’m having almost public outburst and it’s crazy and it’s not like me. I live in a small area and I could really feel destroyed living here if I do this. I can’t even believe myself. I’m like scary yelling at him. Not at all times but I’ll escalate myself...

Not to alarm anyone but I feel in a little bit of desperate need for mental health and I don’t even feel well enough to figure out how. What do I do? I guess I mean like what is the best way to go in this circumstance? I mean where is the best place to go?

I also got “get help”, “you really need help”. And then I said okay I am going to seek help. And then I got “no don’t go to a counselor”. “They will tell you to get me out of your life, I’m sure of it” Ha. Interesting.

Thank you for the support. It’s interesting though the verbal abuse wasn’t like I experienced when I was in an abusive relationship at 21. That abuse was different. That was like you are stupid. I’m embarrassed by you because you are so stupid. I could never introduce you to my mom because she...

As a person with possibly almost sort of avoidant personality I feel almost gas lite by that comment. I almost thought to defend myself but then I remembered that’s how it feels responding to gaslighting. Explaining defending explaining.

Freaking love that! Its kind of a silly genre and I usually find myself at those concert events by happenstance but I should seek it out more often because I always end of thinking how great it felt.

Ptsd sufferes are like the true Jesus figure. They are the ones who actually suffer the worlds pain. And yet many still strive to be compassionate. I hate Christianity. I think it’s f*cked. But just an image I had. And I don’t mean me. Just all the souls in here I see pursueing positive things...

I think acknowledging that the person never cared is an emotional issue. One I can deal with in time. But the ptsd symptom triggerer for me is the denial and lack of acknowledgment and that twisting of reality. It makes me feel very frustrated and desperate. And former tip to myself from a...

I think are two phases that I experienced. The first phase lasted two years where my mental health boundaries were ignored. That was a time of active stress where I worked hard to keep myself from getting triggered but felt in a state of chronic stress. And now this phase. Where there is no...

I just thought of something. I have experienced a feeling of catharsis I at hardcore punk or death metal show. Its almost like everybody lets out their rage and there is this intensity. I feel like listening to alone wouldn’t help but the live experience!

I don’t know that I’ve ever experienced a catharsis with rage and anger. I feel like actively being angry would only make me more angry rather than allow me to feel a catharsis.

Though I guess outward expression wouldn’t relieve it anyway. No, not always. Back when I was hardcore struggling with symptoms. That’s what’s scary to me because I haven’t felt like this for so long. And it’s not this person per se it’s that the this seems to be retriggered. That for me is the...

It feels so how I used to feel. This anger and rage that I can’t express. So I just feel it. And it makes me cry because it’s so painful. But at least I’m not expressing it. It’s like inward or outward only two possibilities. And in the end you have to take it inward.

It made not a lot of sense to me why I was triggered in nov. after seeing him. But I realize it was because I saw him in a different way. Before when he was causing hell in my life I saw him as a anguished person flailing around in life. Always one step away from taking his life. Then I realized...

I feel angry. I feel scared of getting more angry. I just noticed I have tears on my face. I always notice I have tears on my face while I’m attempting to analyze my feelings. Like I just noticed.

In the end have you ever read the dsm for avoidance issues? Just wondering because the first time I read it I cried. It’s such a sad thing sometimes. I really have a problem maintaining connections. But i did push in my life at times to be social and I’m thankful for every experience I got to...

I can really relate to this. I’m extremely socially anxious but I used to almost be too outgoing with strangers. Like exhuburant. And talk a lot and connect and then have to hide from them forever. It’s really unfortunate I figured out the reason I do this is avoidance issues. I basically feel...

Thank you. I’ve been analyzing so much. It’s a lot to untangle. I do have faith in my abilities though. I read the most helpful thing about a thing called stonewalling. It’s like a technique to not take any responsibility and not give any validation. And it helped me so much because I couldn’t...

Happy birthday! I have one coming up too. Holidays are hard. I’m often depressed on those days about how I haven’t been able to cultivate as much love in my life as I want to. But I think it also makes me more aware that although it’s hard it’s what I want in life. And just to be aware of the...

I think it’s necessary to have a source of positivity and hope inside of you that makes you not want to give up. I think strength can also look like defiance.