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i saw a scene on television in which police were searching with flashlights in a wooded area right before i had to shut it off to go finish a task. in the sudden silence i heard sirens maybe 4/5 miles out, just barely. I finished my chores, walked back through the house and thought i saw...

i wish my mon could have carried on her life past where it ended, and seen her kids move into adulthood on the path she had laid out for us. I wish my father had allowed himself to get past the grief states and reached acceptance and the ability to make choices based on the lives that moved on...

burbank california, it isnt LA but you can smell it from there

maters n taters (hash browns and ketchup, ‘merican breakfast easy)

trying lavendar extract. look for 80 mg. of extract, not the 500 mg of cold macerated lavendar caps. supposed to create lavendar burps, no show. We were hoping for lavendar gas too. reaching. jury still out but maybe kinda working. 12 days in

having an indoor job on the day shift, on what is very likely the 50th anniversary of a muddy outdoors in the dark shift on a construction site wet to the bone and cold cold cold. Sometimes traumatic memories bring the satisfaction of knowing that it wont ever happen again

haystacks. like giving up on tortillas and quesadillas or any other more refined version of a mexican dish and just putting all the ingredients in a pile in a plate. A little guilt, this stuff could have been put to use towards a greater goal.

we want to procreate. we want to be accepted by our peers. We dont want to feel unable to find sex partners, we dont want to miss out on the benefits of being part of a group. Other motivations drive us toward dominance, acquisition, curiosity, creativity, the whole gamut of human desires, but...

“even in safe environments” is the catch point fir deciding paranoia vs hypervigilance? define safe. i drive on roads everyday that are laden with skid marks. intersections have glass crystals on the edges. I see places where people went into and got pulled out of ditches all the time. zero...

black belt pragmatist here. anxiety disorder/ subset/post traumatic stress disorder/subset multiple ( complex) post traumatic stress disorder/ subsets/ abuse survivors and injury survivors and witnesses to events etc etc is maybe a bit like: head injury/ subset blunt force trauma/ subset...

The first few seconds of pushing a small boat off of shore. The jiggly transition from loading, driving, arriving, carrying the crafts to the launch, boarding and then joyfully being afloat on a totally different and sought after element. Like weightlessness but not, like flying but not, both...

pork steak, green beans and mozarella cheese

smart people care

yep. I cant say i ever stopped for a half second while in the midst of chaos and thought “this is peaceful” but on reflection it can feel that way. Remember that time when the next move was all that mattered and everything that happened before and everything that might come after held zero sway...

you realise that all you ever think about is “why did that happen?” or “how can i keep it from happening again?” it must be PTSD “how did i let this happen?”

or the 3S drill is done in 5 so you must have missed one, guess we will figure that out later, like after dressed and driving and drinking coffee.

totally get the zero trust for people idea. I am also no contact with parents altho who cares? they are dead now. our parents are our most trusted critiques as we form our beliefs about ourselves and when they show us we are not liked or acceptable to the standards it sets us up for a life of...

I was never a regular drinker, I wasn't ever good at it, getting sick when I binged as a teen wasn't something I got over. As an adult I could process it better but having heard the stories told by hard core drinkers I was a rank amateur. I drank wine when at a wine tasting, I dutifully bought...

snow at 4000 feet this weekend. damn, that was sudden. raking leaves and lighting a fire in the woodstove

you apologize when you have to fire someone and realize the apology was made in an effort to quiet your own inner critic and calm your own desire to be liked while you spend the next few years questioning your decision and not out of sympathy to the person you are terminating.

survived yet another

its easier to fall asleep watching a movie you paid for and wanted to see than it is when thinking about something you pay good money to try to learn ways to avoid thinking about and wish with all your might that you could.

my dogs make me smile. every day at least once. i listen to their opinions about people they dont like one helluvalot more than i will ever listen to someone say that they dont like a dog. Especially these old boys. just plain good no bs guys. wanna go for a walk?

5 miles from home i saw lightning. then big glop rain, at first you could count them, then see them a ways off, more there than here, then a wall of water that my blades could barely push off the windshield, then hail- dimes, nickles, quarters? maybe. pull into an orchard for cover? nope...

nice fall days and bonus octoberries